Pros and Cons~

As a sales person, every now and then I am dreaming for more new patients to use my drug so that I can hit my budget at the end of the day. I was actively talking about this topic over the dinner just now with my family.

My aunt was there too. She was diagnosed with ovarian cancer (stage 3) few years back. Although she has completed recovered now and leads a normal life, I suppose the experience of going through chemo and all that depression still haunted her until today. She was telling me this: "If you want more sales means you want more people to kena cancer?" In business sense, she is not wrong. But in ethical sense, I feel very wrong. Sigh~ The pros and the cons.

A day of reflection~

While I was driving home today, my mind was spinning with thoughts. Some people said attitude is acquired, but I think to certain degrees, attitude is born. I am a person who wanna strive the best for myself.

Nonetheless often times when I wanna prove my ability and effort, I ended up doing the opposite things that showed the inferior side of me. I remember having a severe stage fright during my high school time. I would be the last to talk if I have to, and if I were given a choice, I will choose to be the silencer. I am a supporter, I seldom voice out my opinion, I have no confidence to stand on the stage, I am afraid of public attention.

My ex Leo president actually said this to me once. "You are there all the time, but... ya, you are just there." I was very much impacted by what he said, and think he was in fact very right. I must start talking, I must be more vocal, if I wanna be notified in a group of people. That was when I started to be very active in Leo club, grabbed all the opportunities to talk in the public, to build my confident level. Eventually, I've made it.

The same goes to my work. Every time I tried too hard to prove myself, I set too high a standard where I cannot reach at the moment. In the end it shatters my confident level, and I am back to the timid cat that scared of rejection, scared of questions and scared of public attention.

That is why I think for the future, I am just gonna be myself. As long as I am prepared, I don't have to overdo things to prove myself. Just let the inner energy flows, and I believe I will regain my confidence. =)

I am not a clubber nor a drinker~

I used to enjoy clubbing quite a lot, with the alcohol, musics and the people around, you just can't stop your body from moving. It is a good way to temporarily forget about your problems, flirting around and enjoying the chill of having fun with random people. But that's once upon a time.

Too much of alcohol can kill. I started drinking quite a lot ever since I started working. The amount of input may be more than all the inputs I had over the years. I know I may be a paranoid, but my tummy don't feel well every time I started drinking, it aches a bit. Maybe I think too much, maybe it is a warning, to stop me from drinking too much before I become a habitual drinker.

Plus, in the club most of the people don't be their usual selves. In fact it is a good chance for clubbers to become someone else, someone that they yearning to be but may not have the chance due to social constraint. People started to get wild in the club, molestation, sexual harassment, harmless flirting, alcohol abuse and even drug abuse. In the end of the day, we may not know what we are doing.

Just find a day if you are in a club, try to be abit observant and look at the people around you. I don't know if this applies to everyone, but I feel abit disgusted. People become soulless, they become someone that you do not know. Some of them spent hundreds on beers and hard liquor, but in the end they vomitted out all the alcohol, drunk and wasted. Then whats the purpose?

Perhaps I have passed the age of clubbing. A few drinks once in a while still okay, but no longer a *kiap-kiap* kaki... XD

Love fades with time?

Recently I know a friend who has married for 7 years. He is now 28 years old, and ya... He married when he was 21 years old. I don't know how he actually sees his marriage with his wife, but from our conversation I can wildly guess that he is still wild, still looking for fun, seeking something interesting outside of his wife and son, looking for more spices for his life.

When he was excitedly telling me his story, my eyes were looking into his, smiling and nodding. But my brain was thinking, analyzing this guy in front of me. There must be some reasons that caused him to make the decision to get into marriage at the age of 21, and I suppose there must be some LOVE elements in his decision. Nonetheless, when I looked at him now, I don't see any or at least I don't feel the LOVE anymore. So, is this what people said love fades with time?

When we were young we were told about the fairy tales, the Happily-Ever-After ending. But most of the time when we look at the reality, often times we only see the opposite. Husbands abuse their wives and kids, some even murder their family members; high divorce rate in most of the developed countries, not many people actually see the value of marriage anymore. If I like, I get married; and if I don't like, I can just divorce. Is this the world that I am living right now?

Maybe at the end of the day I still do not have the ability to change the world to the version that I prefer, but to the minimum I will do what I can to make a difference. Having him at my side is a God bless. Although I am not sure where is our destination at the end of the day, but at least during the process I have tried my best. =)

* Be positive*

Today~

Today, 12. 04. 2010...

I felt like I was back to my younger age, during my primary time. I was sitting at a room with a bunch of nerdy students, everyone of us was sweating in our palms, wondered when was our turn for "the punishment". The punishment for not getting 100% for the maths homework.

Unfortunately it was not a good day for all of us, everyone was punished. I remembered she had a big fat cane in her tuition room, and everyone of us got to taste it very often, including this time. I still remembered her expression, the face of disappointment when she looked at me. I was not a good maths student but most of the time I worked hard to score okay. But I was really bad in mathematical division as I never got to understand the concept behind. So in the end, I screwed up my maths homework, and was canned.

Today I felt the same. Boss was having some sorta expectation on me, but I didn't turn out to be at his level of expectation. He said I acted differently, and he preferred the me when I was first joined. The level of confidence, the eagerness to learn, and the passion. I cannot deny what he has said, because they are true. My confidence was shattered quite a bit when I was on field, and the longer I deal with people, the more rejections I received, the more careful I am. Because I don't want customers to hate me. But this at the same time, I become a timid, I dare not to express myself clearly. I was blurred and scared. This time around, I can also see the face of disappointment in him.

Somehow or rather, I've found this trend quite a repetitive in me. At least in many aspects of my life. Wonder if I am gonna let it repeat or find some ways to stop it from happening again?

P/S: Currently in severe migraine. Sorry for all the grammar and vocab mistakes.

God Mummy~

There was a person who said this to me some times ago,

As long as you believe,
Our sun will never stop shining,
Even after a dreadful thunderstorm.
Just don't give up.

I believe in God, not because I wanna go to heaven. I believe in God because I believe that She will not abandon us. As if she is the sun over the universe, she will protect us along our journey of growth, the journey in seeking of self-realization.

She always remind her people to work hard, work smart, to be a better person for the world. Try to find our own way to success, try to find our way to make this world a better place. She gives us motivation, energy and strength to move forward, to not give in to defeats, to stand straight even when we are hit with problems and obstacles. That's what God is to me. She is my motivator, because I know she will be there watching, and blessing everyone of us, regardless whether you believe in her existence or not.

Love you god mummy, I will work hard, and work smart. =)

简单的幸福~

有时简单就是幸福。

有位云吞面大叔正勤奋地准备面条，他的老婆在旁帮忙打包。他们身边有个可爱的小女孩在静静地做功课，不时吵着爸爸妈妈要他们来看看她的功课。只见大叔边准备面条边对着小女孩说：“等下爸爸来看啊。。。”

云吞面大叔一家人可能不是很有钱，但是他们却很快乐。

幸福有时可以很简单，只要有心即可。

P/S: 以上情节是我昨天打包云吞面时所看到的。

The Book of Eli~

*The Book of Eli*

I happened to watch this movie with my colleague when I was in Ipoh last week. Although we had to ciaoz in the middle of the movie, it actually impacted me quite a bit.

The movie started with a ruined world, due to a nuclear war 30 years ago. The world has totally changed, what left was a bunch of mutated survivals who are willing to do anything to survive, this including to eat human flesh. They have become so mutated that their hands shake due to over eating of human flesh, drinking human blood, or simply, due to living under a nuclear-contaminated environment. Disgusting.

Eventually when I think about it. This story was based on bible study where Jesus has already predicted what will happen to us in the end of the day. We are not ruined by natural disasters or other catastrophic events, but we are all killed by our own hands. We created the war, we exploited our mother's natural resources, we contaminated our own home. If we die today, it is all because of us. No other reasons.

I would say this is a movie of reflection. In fact nowadays there are increasingly more and more movies with this kinda theme, natural disasters, the end of the world, a new world, etc. All of these bring the same message, that our earth is changing, slowly but noticeably.

Just be more observant and look around. Our world was used to be very peaceful a few decades ago, but now natural disasters are everywhere around us. Just 2009 alone, we are struck by earthquake, winter storm, flood, tsunami, wildfire, and many more. How many people died and how many lost their homes and loved ones? When everyone is focusing on saving the victims and how other countries tried to help, who actually see the other side of the picture? Who, who on Earth caused all these to happen? Can we blame our mother? Or we should point the finger to ourselves?

Besides, how about global warming? Can anyone feel the extremely hot weather nowadays? How about the exploitation of natural resources? How about population expansion? Do we have enough clean water and food and land to support this much of people? What happen when we do not have enough resources to keep everyone survive? I seriously cannot imagine.

As an individual, I dare not say that I have done alot for the environment. But I hope that at least all the people living on this planet, we have the courtesy to really think for our mother, to have the basic awareness of what is going to happen if we do not do anything right now.

Clock is ticking, earth is slowly evolving, don't ruin it with our hands. God bless.

Change~

Change is the only constant in life.

I guess this is very right. Recently there are a few changing of staffs in my company. Some of them have been working for the company for a couple of years, and the sudden decision to leave really gave me a shock. Some have been promoted, which I think it is something happy, because he deserves.

Somehow or rather I think changes always happen around us. Perhaps, my heart is slowly changing too. Who knows?

A night of reflection~

Attended a talk last night, all I can say is that it is inspirational. It was like a soul digger, force me to look into myself, think about what I have done for the past 24 years, and foresee what I am going to do for the coming future. A lot of reflection, I would say.

A nice night for sharing. I almost shed my tears when I thought about my family. All the while we have been in average relationship, with my dad especially, I always find it hard to communicate. Have you told your parents that you love them? For the past 24 years, I don't think I have said once I love you to them. Just feel it is awkward and uncomfortable.

Parents are important for me, that is why I care how much they see me. Hopefully before I registered for the training, I will have their full support. =)