Old Time Memories~

Yesterday I was telling my boyfriend about my close friends in highschool. There are four of us who always hanged around together. We knew each other for many many years and in class we used to sit in a clump of four. Two of us were librarians and another two were ordinary students. We went to the same tuition centers, we went to the same college and university. We were always the top four in class where a lot of our classmates during that time, thought we were inseparable, so did I.

But things change in time, including friendship. In Chinese we have this idiom called "天下没有不散之筵席", meaning that there is always an end for every gathering. In other words, regardless of how many years, separation among people is very common. Whether it is due to human activities, natural events (born, old, sick and die) or natural disasters.

So I think the same has applied to our friendship. I remember the last time the four of us gathered together was the time where we were anxiously waiting the sms from the government, whether we are selected for National Service or not. I remember some of our classmates were there as well, as if it was the last gathering before all of us parted into different routes in life.

Well, in the end of the long waiting, I would have to say that I was the only ''fortunate'' one that got selected for National Service. Others were "unfortunately" escaped. With that I have to fulfill my responsibility as a "rakyat" and went into camp for 3 months. The three of them then continued their journey by taking pre-university program together at the same college.

Sometimes when you have too much complains and grumbles in your heart, you tend to get explode very easily. This was what happened to the three of them during my 3 months service with the government. Things changed, from sweet to sour, from good to bad, from appreciation to blame. It is always like that, we tend to blame others when things don't do well, cause it is easier that way.

In the end of the day, our gang splitted into 2 and never talk to each other anymore. Some even delete the contacts from handphone and other social networks. Although it has been years now and I am still close with all of them, but the possibility of having the 4 of us to gather together is slim, maybe close to zero.

Sometimes I would spend sometimes alone, to think of what has happened to me over the past few years. What have I done and what have I not. It is a moment of reflection and to readjust my position in life, where do I wanna go, and whether I am working towards that direction. When I think about our long lost friendship, sometimes I can only sigh.

P/S: Happy Friendship to everyone.

Am I, am I not?

I am losing my confidence slowly.

The incidence is so obvious that even I myself, have noticed the change in myself. The lost of confidence when facing someone who I presumed to be more professional and knowledgeable than me. The feeling of myself holding back things that I wanna say but dare not to say because I am afraid of the consequences of saying them all out. Customers may look at me in a different way. Bosses may look at me in a different way.

In the end of the day, I realized that I am trying to push myself to live in others' expectations. To be someone who they think have the quality to succeed. It is so obvious that, I am actually feeling it. I feel that I am changing in their directions, I am losing my own self. I don't know who I am. For your information, the aforementioned are the features of a low self-esteem person. They are people who unable to fill their own cup of fulfillment and satisfaction. They are people who depends on others to define whether they are a success or a failure. They are people who live to please others, so that they feel accepted.

Am I one of them? Sometimes I can be. I am living in a society where people are valuing highly of others' perceptions. How others see you define whether you are a good breed or a bad breed. How your bosses see you define whether you have a chance of promotion or not. How your friends see you define whether you are a good friend or not. How your partner sees you defines whether you are loved, or have the right to love or not. In the end of the day, we are doing things to please others. We loss ourselves, and sometimes, I really feel like one of them.

I hate the feelings when I lost my confidence. I know I can do better than this, but there are always these invisible hands that pull me from behind. Too many considerations: "what if", "how about", "if I don't...", ''but", "I am scared" and etc. In the end of the day, I am working like a dog to preserve my image. The image of fake-confidence, the image that I thought could help me to succeed. But does it? No it does not. In fact the image is like a mask, it masks my potential of being who I am.

I know I am a person with confidence, just that there are times where my confidence are easily shattered, because I have this self-doubt in myself. For a minute I can be confidently telling you that this is the right information, but the next minute when you throw me a doubtful look, I will straightaway chicken out, started to think and consider, am I giving the right information? Am I doing the right thing? Am I giving the right suggestion?

In the end of the day, I am still worrying about others' perception on me. How they view me define my happiness. That's the main feature of low self-esteem. I don't want to be like this. I want to change. I want to live for myself.

I remembered my boss telling me this when he had his 2nd assessment with me. He said:"The first time I worked with you, seriously I was very impressed with your level of confidence. But now, I felt so different. As if you have changed to another person. Is there anything that block your way?" Yes it is. I am afraid of rejection. I am afraid of screwing up things. That is why I took extra caution in doing things, and this at the same time shaken my self confidence. I am no longer who I am, I am someone who I think I should be, to minimize rejection.

Seriously the basic training has given me a lot of insights about myself. Where do I stand right now in my life. What is my strength and weaknesses? My boss has once told me this before, "You will be there (as a manager) one day." Ya, I want to be there one day. I really want to. As said is easier than done, I think its time to set some small and achievable goals. Things that I can do to get closer to my goal in my career. One step at a time.

For the time being,

1) I want to be a responsible sales representative. Not only do my job well, but do more than others. Keep track of things that I need to and make sure that I read enough.

2) I want my customers to trust me. When they want help, they will think of me. When they want to put in order, they will think of me. When they think of my product, they will think of me.

3) I want to be more observant in work. Things change everyday in the working field. I am sometimes too focus-minded that I miss out some minute information that may turn out to be of great information.

For the time being, I want to achieve this 3 goals by the end of this year.

P/S: Intention --> Goals --> Mechanism

Emo Nemo~

Tonight is really an emo night.

Mind was mentally blocked. Everyone is telling me what is the right thing to do. But I am done with inputs, please just leave me alone. I just want a night with a blank mind, am I asking for too much? Sorry I am not gonna care anymore. I am done with overly constraining myself.

Dropby one of my friend's FB wall, he passed away 7 months ago due to a horrible accident. Saw many people still dropping posts on his wall, the feelings are very strong. Can he read in heaven? Or wherever place that he is in now? Can he feel the love and warmth from his family and friends? If I am gone today, are you gonna still dropby my wall and keep me updated with your life? Will you still remember me in 10 years, 20 years, 30 years, 40 years, 50 years... or till the day you catch your last breath?

P/S: Today is the 5th anniversary of Kenny Sia's dad passing too.
http://www.kennysia.com/archives/2010/05/its-been-5-year.php

Joeanne Wong~

Below reflects how others are seeing me right now.

Joeanne Wong

1. Straightforward
2. Silent killer
3. Very helpful and a great team player
4. Helpful and can be very direct
5. Friendly and good to talk with
6. Great personality and helpful
7. Hardworking
8. Very helpful and easy to chat
9. Inquisitive and curious about life
10. Hardworking, passion in work and humble

How true is this? Can have a rating?

Pros and Cons~

As a sales person, every now and then I am dreaming for more new patients to use my drug so that I can hit my budget at the end of the day. I was actively talking about this topic over the dinner just now with my family.

My aunt was there too. She was diagnosed with ovarian cancer (stage 3) few years back. Although she has completed recovered now and leads a normal life, I suppose the experience of going through chemo and all that depression still haunted her until today. She was telling me this: "If you want more sales means you want more people to kena cancer?" In business sense, she is not wrong. But in ethical sense, I feel very wrong. Sigh~ The pros and the cons.

A day of reflection~

While I was driving home today, my mind was spinning with thoughts. Some people said attitude is acquired, but I think to certain degrees, attitude is born. I am a person who wanna strive the best for myself.

Nonetheless often times when I wanna prove my ability and effort, I ended up doing the opposite things that showed the inferior side of me. I remember having a severe stage fright during my high school time. I would be the last to talk if I have to, and if I were given a choice, I will choose to be the silencer. I am a supporter, I seldom voice out my opinion, I have no confidence to stand on the stage, I am afraid of public attention.

My ex Leo president actually said this to me once. "You are there all the time, but... ya, you are just there." I was very much impacted by what he said, and think he was in fact very right. I must start talking, I must be more vocal, if I wanna be notified in a group of people. That was when I started to be very active in Leo club, grabbed all the opportunities to talk in the public, to build my confident level. Eventually, I've made it.

The same goes to my work. Every time I tried too hard to prove myself, I set too high a standard where I cannot reach at the moment. In the end it shatters my confident level, and I am back to the timid cat that scared of rejection, scared of questions and scared of public attention.

That is why I think for the future, I am just gonna be myself. As long as I am prepared, I don't have to overdo things to prove myself. Just let the inner energy flows, and I believe I will regain my confidence. =)

I am not a clubber nor a drinker~

I used to enjoy clubbing quite a lot, with the alcohol, musics and the people around, you just can't stop your body from moving. It is a good way to temporarily forget about your problems, flirting around and enjoying the chill of having fun with random people. But that's once upon a time.

Too much of alcohol can kill. I started drinking quite a lot ever since I started working. The amount of input may be more than all the inputs I had over the years. I know I may be a paranoid, but my tummy don't feel well every time I started drinking, it aches a bit. Maybe I think too much, maybe it is a warning, to stop me from drinking too much before I become a habitual drinker.

Plus, in the club most of the people don't be their usual selves. In fact it is a good chance for clubbers to become someone else, someone that they yearning to be but may not have the chance due to social constraint. People started to get wild in the club, molestation, sexual harassment, harmless flirting, alcohol abuse and even drug abuse. In the end of the day, we may not know what we are doing.

Just find a day if you are in a club, try to be abit observant and look at the people around you. I don't know if this applies to everyone, but I feel abit disgusted. People become soulless, they become someone that you do not know. Some of them spent hundreds on beers and hard liquor, but in the end they vomitted out all the alcohol, drunk and wasted. Then whats the purpose?

Perhaps I have passed the age of clubbing. A few drinks once in a while still okay, but no longer a *kiap-kiap* kaki... XD

Love fades with time?

Recently I know a friend who has married for 7 years. He is now 28 years old, and ya... He married when he was 21 years old. I don't know how he actually sees his marriage with his wife, but from our conversation I can wildly guess that he is still wild, still looking for fun, seeking something interesting outside of his wife and son, looking for more spices for his life.

When he was excitedly telling me his story, my eyes were looking into his, smiling and nodding. But my brain was thinking, analyzing this guy in front of me. There must be some reasons that caused him to make the decision to get into marriage at the age of 21, and I suppose there must be some LOVE elements in his decision. Nonetheless, when I looked at him now, I don't see any or at least I don't feel the LOVE anymore. So, is this what people said love fades with time?

When we were young we were told about the fairy tales, the Happily-Ever-After ending. But most of the time when we look at the reality, often times we only see the opposite. Husbands abuse their wives and kids, some even murder their family members; high divorce rate in most of the developed countries, not many people actually see the value of marriage anymore. If I like, I get married; and if I don't like, I can just divorce. Is this the world that I am living right now?

Maybe at the end of the day I still do not have the ability to change the world to the version that I prefer, but to the minimum I will do what I can to make a difference. Having him at my side is a God bless. Although I am not sure where is our destination at the end of the day, but at least during the process I have tried my best. =)

* Be positive*

Today~

Today, 12. 04. 2010...

I felt like I was back to my younger age, during my primary time. I was sitting at a room with a bunch of nerdy students, everyone of us was sweating in our palms, wondered when was our turn for "the punishment". The punishment for not getting 100% for the maths homework.

Unfortunately it was not a good day for all of us, everyone was punished. I remembered she had a big fat cane in her tuition room, and everyone of us got to taste it very often, including this time. I still remembered her expression, the face of disappointment when she looked at me. I was not a good maths student but most of the time I worked hard to score okay. But I was really bad in mathematical division as I never got to understand the concept behind. So in the end, I screwed up my maths homework, and was canned.

Today I felt the same. Boss was having some sorta expectation on me, but I didn't turn out to be at his level of expectation. He said I acted differently, and he preferred the me when I was first joined. The level of confidence, the eagerness to learn, and the passion. I cannot deny what he has said, because they are true. My confidence was shattered quite a bit when I was on field, and the longer I deal with people, the more rejections I received, the more careful I am. Because I don't want customers to hate me. But this at the same time, I become a timid, I dare not to express myself clearly. I was blurred and scared. This time around, I can also see the face of disappointment in him.

Somehow or rather, I've found this trend quite a repetitive in me. At least in many aspects of my life. Wonder if I am gonna let it repeat or find some ways to stop it from happening again?

P/S: Currently in severe migraine. Sorry for all the grammar and vocab mistakes.

God Mummy~

There was a person who said this to me some times ago,

As long as you believe,
Our sun will never stop shining,
Even after a dreadful thunderstorm.
Just don't give up.

I believe in God, not because I wanna go to heaven. I believe in God because I believe that She will not abandon us. As if she is the sun over the universe, she will protect us along our journey of growth, the journey in seeking of self-realization.

She always remind her people to work hard, work smart, to be a better person for the world. Try to find our own way to success, try to find our way to make this world a better place. She gives us motivation, energy and strength to move forward, to not give in to defeats, to stand straight even when we are hit with problems and obstacles. That's what God is to me. She is my motivator, because I know she will be there watching, and blessing everyone of us, regardless whether you believe in her existence or not.

Love you god mummy, I will work hard, and work smart. =)