12.11.2010~

Today,

I wear a new pair of shoes. The shoes itself is nice but the wearing part is torturing. I got blisters and skin peel off.

I had a drug talk today in one of the hospitals that I cover. Coincidentally I met a man with his sick wife. His wife had used my drug before but didn't seem to respond. So happened that the man saw us having a talk, and he said:

Man: "You still doing this drug?"
Me: "Ya" (smiling)
Man: "I heard a lot of bad news about this drug, esp in lung cancer. The net is saying a lot of bad things about this drug and yet it is so expensive" (hatred expression)
Me: "Hows your wife doing?" (didn't really answer to his last statement)
Man: "Oh no, she is not doing very well" (eyes watery)

Out of the sudden I got a feeling of depression and sadness, especially when I look into his eyes. I don't know how to continue the conversation and don't know what else I can say. I just excuse myself and walked off.

His sorrow expression was imprinted in my heart. His pain of going to lose his dying wife is so immense and infectious. Before I left I had a glimpse of his wife. She looks like my grandfather during his dying age. At that moment I got a feeling to cry out loud.

This afternoon I received a bad news which I pray hard not to receive. But in the end it still makes it way to me. The first moment I saw the message, my heart sank, my tears rolling and yet I have to wear a smiling mask when I see my clients.

Today is a bad day. I spent my evening crying. My heart is still aching, but I have to find my way out eventually, all by myself perhaps.

1st Year~

Welcome 9th November 2010.

This day marks my one year anniversary in Roche. Time flies. Nothing much to shout about. Throughout the year I have seen a lot, heard a lot and experienced a lot. But these are just the tip of the ice berg. A lot more to learn and a lot more to go some more. Personally needed more money to survive. *Laugh Out Laud*

Anyways, just wanna mark this date down. First year with my first permanent job. Congratulation to Stella as well, my colleague who came in together with me. All the best to both of us. =D

Outdated?

People said I am outdated.

Just because I don't keep myself so hooked up with Facebook 24/7, and just because I don't stalk your page all the time, I was said to be outdated and living in my own world. Haha~ I can only laugh when I saw those kinda comment. No doubt I may be full of myself but I still look around and read the newspapers.

Haha~ Whatever.

Eat, Pray, Love~

I still remember the science.

When we are cold, our hairs stand to trap air, because air is warmer than our body so they can protect us from getting hypothermic (too cold).

That's how our body responses when we are too cold. What about our heart? When our heart shivers, is there any ways to prevent it from getting too cold? I saw forest burning the other day while on the way back. Dark, thick smoke was gushing out, traveling very rapidly along with the wind. People didn't seem to bother. "Who cares what happen, I am busy enough dealing with my own life." Human nature.

I saw terrible accidents happened along the highway. Reminded me of the bus tragic a few weeks back. Looking at the injured victim lying on the road waiting for the ambulance, my heart shivers. I saw on Discovery channel about young kids under starvation. No clean water, no food and their retarded growth, my heart shivers.

I saw documentary about plane crash, about disappearing ships and human trafficking; I read about how people struggle to survive when they were diagnosed with cancer; I read through some magazines describing how a Iranian lady reconstructed her face due to injury from massive suicidal bombing, and the list goes on.

I live in a gigantic world. My life and encounters are merely a blink among trillions of human on this Earth. My heart shivers when I read about others. If there is a chance, I wanna be like Elizabeth Gilbert, travel around the world to find peace, to widen my vision, and to cleanse my soul.

*Worth reading*

Currently~

Today I have a lot of things in my mind.

I lost my car ticket while I was on the way out from the hospital. Absent-minded, not because there was nothing in my head, but I guess many of them are unorganized and I have no intention to get them organized.

Besides, I was irritated by the lost car radio antenna. I don't know which freak has stolen it actually and don't know when did it happen. But I got frustrated when I cannot tune to my favorite radio while I was driving.

Then I practically wasted the whole night online reading articles and catching up with some news. Saw a few clips on Youtube about Selina's (the lovely lady from S.H.E) burn injury. I was shocked and concerned but was at the same time touched to see how her friends and loved ones support her while she is not well. Hope she will recover well.

I don't know how to explain my life now. The current stage of my life. Full of rubbish and concerns and worries and pressure. I am looking forward for 22nd December 2010. But before that, tonnes of work have to be done. Argh!

P/S: Please bear with my broken English.

P for procrastination~

Found out one thing about myself today.

I talk more than I listen.
I talk more than I observe.
I follow my heart more than my brain.
I follow gut feelings more than analysis.

In the end, people don't really get what I want, and I don't really know why I talk so much and talk so fast.

P/S: I need the strength to stay optimistic. Current procrastinating...

Bleak~

Finally ESMO was over.

With much anticipation and hope, I am waiting for good news released from this medical oncology event. But before I heard about any good news, bad news comes first.

There was a data presented during the event, which could possibly shatter the confidence of the doctors in using my drug. What most funny is that the presentation was putting a question mark on one of our most established indications, which I couldn't help myself but to LOL. How worst a situation can be?

Of course, just based on one email I cannot determine how large and how severe is the damage. But with some other problems that we are facing now, I guess it is safe to say that my product is gonna face a challenging future.

Looking at the current situation, I don't know how much I can do, and how much I can help. But in the field that I am working, I believe besides rapport and sponsorship and other related help and services, the most important sales-factor is still our product data.

Honestly speaking, I don't know what is going to happen next, but I wish I am positive and strong enough to stay on. Gambateh!

Stressful life~

So freaking stress!

I don't wanna work can? Sobs I hate myself for being over stressing myself, but I just can't help it! Argh! How? I really don't know what to do. I hate to see the figures! I don't know what else I can do to push more and more and more. People said we should work smart not work hard but I have tried to try both but still I am far behind. How lar?

P/S: Stress level freaking high.

DIY Miracle~

Often time I think and think and think. Analyze analyze and analyze.

I like to spend time in the toilet while showering. I feel the calmness when the steaming hot water pour onto my body. I feel relax and my mind starts to think better. I reflect the activities of my day, what have I done, what have I said, and reflect how people react to my words as well as to my actions.

Sometimes I am able to find the link between one person to another, sometimes I get to understand the person more under the hot water. I feel that my mind is clearer under the hot water. I think, and think and think. I analyze, and analyze and analyze.

I feel that I am a director, sitting on one side of the scene, rolling the camera while watching the actors come into life. I see them play, and I see myself a few hours ago playing as one of the actors. I see my customers and how they react to my play. I see our interactions and our conversations and I realize that there are still a huge room for improvement.

It hasn't been easy to be a sales person. Talent is one thing, but effort is a big thing that leads to its success. Looking at myself now, I know that I am still not good enough. But I want to prove it to myself that I can do better than I think I can.

I don't need a solution, I need a miracle. And I have to create one.

The sense of Gratitude~

Life...

At this point of time, is not perfect, but is good enough.

Thank God for all the blessings, and thank you everyone who make it together with me. Thanks to my family, my parents, my beloved one, my colleagues and friends. There are still a lot of stress, undone work, unfulfilled dreams ahead, but at this point of time I am contented and happy.

P/S: Maybe because of that, someone said I have gained weight. =P