2010~

Time flies, two more days and there goes 2010.

Reflection has not been done, as I am too lazy to do so. But I would say 2010 is a year full of blessing and a year of challenges, sweat, blood and tears. Just to list a few:

1) I had a few *minor* car accidents, causing my dad to spend a bomb in fixing my car.
2) I had a few minor/ major breakdown as I couldn't handle my emotion well.
3) I had a lot of blur moments as this is my first official year of work.
4) I had a few strands of white hairs as I am getting older.
5) I have my first long term relationship (more than a year).
6) I have finally upgraded to a professional shopaholic.
7) I had more than 250 cups of coffee.
8) I had more than a dozen of beer.
9) I had spent a lot of time procrastinating.
10) I have finally cut my hair short and dyed.

Regardless, I have to thank God for all the blessing, for keeping all of us safe, happy and healthy. 2011 will be another year of challenge, sweat, blood and tears. I can almost guarantee that. But hopefully it will be another fruitful year.

Wishing all of you Happy 2011.

Cancer~

Cancer is a terrible disease.

I've seen many people, either they are my friends' relatives, or some random patients I met in the hospital, cancer is indeed a very horrifying disease. It doesn't kill you immediately, but letting you dying in a slow process, which you know that there is practically no cure when you are detected at late stage.

Mom's medical report was out. Doctor said that she has a cyst at her right kidney, 55mm. Another cyst at her right ovary, 35mm. Left ovary was undetected (as in cannot detect the organ), which I don't understand why.

Doctor said for the time being the cysts are harmless. Round, well-defined and are relatively small size. But she needs to do check-up regularly to monitor her cysts. I am worried. Being in the oncology field for only a year but the knowledge regarding to this disease and the experiences I have with the cancer patients, I become more paranoid than ever.

Cancer cells are changing every minute, now they are benign but we don't know when they will cross the *barrier* and become cancerous. I told my mom to monitor her check-up closely, at least every 3 months she has to do her check-up, just to be safe.

As for me, I recently took pills that will fluctuate my hormone level like roller coaster. Already I feel the tenderness of my breast and the slight pinching pain of my left breast. I know taking the pills is unavoidable, but this is the last time, I don't wanna take it again. Bear in mind hormones play an important role in driving cancer.

If you said I am a super paranoid I will not deny. I am so scared of dying. Thats what my heart is telling me now.

Hate~

I hate her.

Although I have forgiven, but I can't forget what happened.
When is this gonna stop?

Thanks~

Once a doctor shared with me about his experiences of God.

He said he never personally believe in the existence of God, but somehow he sees how his patients changed in terms of believes when they were diagnosed with cancer. People who do not believe in God, now turn to be a faithful believer. People who believed in God, turn to point their fingers to God and question the unfairness. All sorta people, but all we talk about is God.

Do I believe in God? Yes I do. Honestly I did see how people change when they started believe in God. God to me is not someone with supernatural power who can give us whatever we wish for. But he/ she gives us the energy, the strength and the courage to look for what we want. A wise person once told me this, God creates problems, but at the same time provide solutions. It is through this seeking and problem solving processes that we are able to grow, become stronger and better.

I do, believe in God. For today what I have achieved, besides the people around me who really help me a lot, I would like to send my gratitude to God, thanks for all the blessing. And with this, I will work harder towards my goal. Thank YOU.

Hook or Crook~

9 more days to go,

300k more to do.

By hook or by crook,

Just got to make it happen.



*Go baby go!*

My sister~

Surprise once again.

Didn't know my sis has a blog, until this very moment.
Briefly went through her blog, and I saw maturity.
Once I thought she is just a small kid,
But didn't know she has matured and grown up.
I have been too caught up with myself.
Trapped in my own world,
Until I forgot to care for the people around me.

In one of her posts she mentioned about mom,
I don't even know that she has been through some hard times.
Ignorant? Maybe I am too obsessed with myself.
Enlarge my own problems and I don't see others.

Sad. I feel useless.
My sis has grown up.
Somehow when I read her blog, I feel that she is more mature than me.
Who said maturity is proportional to age?

What happen to me?
Sobs.

Surprise!

Change is the constant of life.
Uncertainty is the foundation.
Stability does not mean absolute,
It only means higher predictability.

Time to get rid of credit cards,
Apply a debit card instead.
Spend money that we have,
Not the future money.

Because future is unpredictable.
Because life is full of surprises,
And shock!

Deal with it.
Bear with it.

Self-hatred~

I hate to say this, but I think I have to.

I hate myself, for many things.

\(' o ')/

Recently I don't leave the house without my calculator, I mean if I go to work.

The reason is because year end is so close, almost every single minute while I am free, my mind is calculating. How much more? Why so slow? How to get more patients? Can or not? etc etc... Looking at the figures now, I can only keep my fingers crossed.

Trying to keep all the positive strength I have. Came across this quote recently, which I found it quite inspiring.

"Do the best, prepare for the worst"

Yo! Aza-Aza! \(' o ')/

何谓快乐？

曾经有人对我说，人生是一场又一场的选择游戏。想要达到梦想，我们必须为梦想而努力。努力，何尝不是一种选择呢？

近来的我很不快乐，在工作上遇到了一些难题，感觉很沮丧。我觉得工作不顺利，一直在想到底我适合这种工作吗？是不是应该另谋一片天地？还是问题原之于我？

因为这些事情而想太多，近来的我好像得了忧郁症。突然间我会哭起来；突然间我会想要逃避一切；突然间我会变得很悲观；突然间我会变得没有信心；突然间我好像老了许多，白头发也长出来了。

觉得自己不可以再这样继续下去，终于狠下心去阅读一本我买了相当久的书，想要去了解到底快乐是什么东西？书还没有读完，但是它忆起了我深深埋藏在心里的记忆。我知道快乐是什么，我知道如何使自己快乐，只是忙碌的工作，繁华的诱惑使我忘了最基本的人生之道。

人生是一场选择游戏，快乐也是一种选择。放眼看看我们的世界，有多少人是一辈子顺顺利利的？不顺心的事十之八九，难道每天都要活在痛苦里面吗？从挫折中寻找希望，从悲伤中寻找快乐。要快乐与否，全掌握在我们的心中。

所以说，快乐原之于心。