Self-hatred~

I hate to say this, but I think I have to.

I hate myself, for many things.

\(' o ')/

Recently I don't leave the house without my calculator, I mean if I go to work.

The reason is because year end is so close, almost every single minute while I am free, my mind is calculating. How much more? Why so slow? How to get more patients? Can or not? etc etc... Looking at the figures now, I can only keep my fingers crossed.

Trying to keep all the positive strength I have. Came across this quote recently, which I found it quite inspiring.

"Do the best, prepare for the worst"

Yo! Aza-Aza! \(' o ')/

何谓快乐？

曾经有人对我说，人生是一场又一场的选择游戏。想要达到梦想，我们必须为梦想而努力。努力，何尝不是一种选择呢？

近来的我很不快乐，在工作上遇到了一些难题，感觉很沮丧。我觉得工作不顺利，一直在想到底我适合这种工作吗？是不是应该另谋一片天地？还是问题原之于我？

因为这些事情而想太多，近来的我好像得了忧郁症。突然间我会哭起来；突然间我会想要逃避一切；突然间我会变得很悲观；突然间我会变得没有信心；突然间我好像老了许多，白头发也长出来了。

觉得自己不可以再这样继续下去，终于狠下心去阅读一本我买了相当久的书，想要去了解到底快乐是什么东西？书还没有读完，但是它忆起了我深深埋藏在心里的记忆。我知道快乐是什么，我知道如何使自己快乐，只是忙碌的工作，繁华的诱惑使我忘了最基本的人生之道。

人生是一场选择游戏，快乐也是一种选择。放眼看看我们的世界，有多少人是一辈子顺顺利利的？不顺心的事十之八九，难道每天都要活在痛苦里面吗？从挫折中寻找希望，从悲伤中寻找快乐。要快乐与否，全掌握在我们的心中。

所以说，快乐原之于心。

12.11.2010~

Today,

I wear a new pair of shoes. The shoes itself is nice but the wearing part is torturing. I got blisters and skin peel off.

I had a drug talk today in one of the hospitals that I cover. Coincidentally I met a man with his sick wife. His wife had used my drug before but didn't seem to respond. So happened that the man saw us having a talk, and he said:

Man: "You still doing this drug?"
Me: "Ya" (smiling)
Man: "I heard a lot of bad news about this drug, esp in lung cancer. The net is saying a lot of bad things about this drug and yet it is so expensive" (hatred expression)
Me: "Hows your wife doing?" (didn't really answer to his last statement)
Man: "Oh no, she is not doing very well" (eyes watery)

Out of the sudden I got a feeling of depression and sadness, especially when I look into his eyes. I don't know how to continue the conversation and don't know what else I can say. I just excuse myself and walked off.

His sorrow expression was imprinted in my heart. His pain of going to lose his dying wife is so immense and infectious. Before I left I had a glimpse of his wife. She looks like my grandfather during his dying age. At that moment I got a feeling to cry out loud.

This afternoon I received a bad news which I pray hard not to receive. But in the end it still makes it way to me. The first moment I saw the message, my heart sank, my tears rolling and yet I have to wear a smiling mask when I see my clients.

Today is a bad day. I spent my evening crying. My heart is still aching, but I have to find my way out eventually, all by myself perhaps.

1st Year~

Welcome 9th November 2010.

This day marks my one year anniversary in Roche. Time flies. Nothing much to shout about. Throughout the year I have seen a lot, heard a lot and experienced a lot. But these are just the tip of the ice berg. A lot more to learn and a lot more to go some more. Personally needed more money to survive. *Laugh Out Laud*

Anyways, just wanna mark this date down. First year with my first permanent job. Congratulation to Stella as well, my colleague who came in together with me. All the best to both of us. =D

Outdated?

People said I am outdated.

Just because I don't keep myself so hooked up with Facebook 24/7, and just because I don't stalk your page all the time, I was said to be outdated and living in my own world. Haha~ I can only laugh when I saw those kinda comment. No doubt I may be full of myself but I still look around and read the newspapers.

Haha~ Whatever.

Eat, Pray, Love~

I still remember the science.

When we are cold, our hairs stand to trap air, because air is warmer than our body so they can protect us from getting hypothermic (too cold).

That's how our body responses when we are too cold. What about our heart? When our heart shivers, is there any ways to prevent it from getting too cold? I saw forest burning the other day while on the way back. Dark, thick smoke was gushing out, traveling very rapidly along with the wind. People didn't seem to bother. "Who cares what happen, I am busy enough dealing with my own life." Human nature.

I saw terrible accidents happened along the highway. Reminded me of the bus tragic a few weeks back. Looking at the injured victim lying on the road waiting for the ambulance, my heart shivers. I saw on Discovery channel about young kids under starvation. No clean water, no food and their retarded growth, my heart shivers.

I saw documentary about plane crash, about disappearing ships and human trafficking; I read about how people struggle to survive when they were diagnosed with cancer; I read through some magazines describing how a Iranian lady reconstructed her face due to injury from massive suicidal bombing, and the list goes on.

I live in a gigantic world. My life and encounters are merely a blink among trillions of human on this Earth. My heart shivers when I read about others. If there is a chance, I wanna be like Elizabeth Gilbert, travel around the world to find peace, to widen my vision, and to cleanse my soul.

*Worth reading*

Currently~

Today I have a lot of things in my mind.

I lost my car ticket while I was on the way out from the hospital. Absent-minded, not because there was nothing in my head, but I guess many of them are unorganized and I have no intention to get them organized.

Besides, I was irritated by the lost car radio antenna. I don't know which freak has stolen it actually and don't know when did it happen. But I got frustrated when I cannot tune to my favorite radio while I was driving.

Then I practically wasted the whole night online reading articles and catching up with some news. Saw a few clips on Youtube about Selina's (the lovely lady from S.H.E) burn injury. I was shocked and concerned but was at the same time touched to see how her friends and loved ones support her while she is not well. Hope she will recover well.

I don't know how to explain my life now. The current stage of my life. Full of rubbish and concerns and worries and pressure. I am looking forward for 22nd December 2010. But before that, tonnes of work have to be done. Argh!

P/S: Please bear with my broken English.