Déjà vu~

Is defined as:

The experience of feeling sure that one has witnessed or experienced a new situation previously (an individual feels as though an event has already happened or has happened in the recent past), although the exact circumstances of the previous encounter are uncertain (Wikipedia, 2010).

To me probably it is not a deja vu anymore. I encounter this all the time. Always while I am anticipating something good to happen, there will be some bad things blocking my way. I am going to Singapore for a short vacation this coming Thursday and thought that I can just make my life easier these few working days before my trip. I have done all the work I needed to do the week before and plan to have a more relaxing week.

But in my heart I know something somehow will pop up in the middle of nowhere, which will mess up with my plans. And ya, my prediction is right again. There is this doctor who wanted to see me tomorrow morning at 8am for a briefing on my product, which I think the ROI is freaking hell low.

ARGHHHHHH~ 200% reluctant to see him tomorrow. If I am not going to Singapore this week, perhaps my working spirit will be higher, I wouldn't mind seeing him early in the morning and have to do all the preps I needed to on the world before I see him. WTH...

Blaming again~

Not trying to find fault, but just wanna voice my heart out.
This is my blog anyways, don't like then just get out of here.


Was in the office few days back. As usual having morning meeting with other colleagues and some bosses. One of them voiced out that another company has been head hunting our people over. He said that company is becoming a "little Roche", like to hunt people from our side. Then some laughed, some snorted, some just couldn't be bothered.

Maybe it is the way he expressed it, I raised my eyebrow looking at him in a way. It is as if that company is such a jerk where they only know how to headhunt people from other companies to work for them. Saying as if the only thing they know how to do is to "fish" people from our side.

Well, it is just another blaming game. I wonder if he actually put on his thinking cap before making such judgment. Why people from our company wanna leave and join other companies? Besides better offer (maybe a little increase of salary), why do they leave if they are truly satisfy with the company? Perhaps we should bear some responsibilities as well.

But don't think many of them actually see this. All they do is just to point their fingers to others. What to do? It is too simple to blame.

P/S: A bit of crap. Whatever.

Dreams~

Long long time ago,
When I was still a nerdy kiddo,
I dreamed of many things.

Sometimes they are so unrealistic, they make me laugh when I think back once a while. But I remember a friend of mine told me this before. We are who we are when we first born. Our characters, our desires, they are all at their purest stage.

But when we are getting older, things start to change with our growing environment. Dad said it is wrong if we don't study hard; Mom said it is bad if we don't get a good job, etc etc. Eventually we do things by taking into account of other factors, by considering others' expectations on how we are suppose to behave. Whether we are success or not is predefined by the society setting. Eventually we no longer dream anymore. How sad.

But I still dream occasionally. I think it is a temporary getaway and sometimes when I think of my dreams, they make me smile again. While I was on my way home from dinner just now, I dream of my future life. Do I need to work in the future? I hate being a employee but it is not easy to start my own business. The best way is that I have a husband who earns a decent salary, which is sufficient to survive and have extra for saving and investment. Then I do not have to work anymore, or I work leisurely. Keke~

I also dream of my future house. I am not a greedy person who likes big giant mansion. To me a compact and unique house will do. I just want a place where I can call home. Spacious, comfortable, peaceful, safe and sweet. Simple interior design, ergonomic furniture, airy with good ventilation, modern and clean.

I dream to have 2 kids in the future. One boy and one girl. The boy is a macho little boy, although younger than his sister, he tends to always be the one who leads and protects his sister if someone coming near her with any bad intention. He is young, energetic and smart. He is our family hero, but sometimes can be a little hyperactive.

I dream of my daughter. She is an obedient little girl but at the same time very independent. She loves cooking and cross stitch, things that he mother is not good at. She is very talented and love musics. In the future she want to be a musician and tour around the world to share good music with all the people that she comes across.

I love shopping actually. But in the future I hope I can offer a place where people can satisfy their shopping desire but at the same time don't have to burn a hole in their pocket. I wish to see their satisfying face after coming to my shop. I want to open a boutique in the future with a specific theme. Working attires for example? They are so expensive in the market and usually the designs are more or less the same. I want to open a boutique where my clothing are well designed, reasonable price and comfortable quality. I dream...

I dream of being a speaker occasionally as well, voluntary basis. There are many people out there who do not know about the importance of nutrition. Kids as young as 2-3 years old they may be so malnourished that they look like a old haggard man/ woman. Incidence as such is avoidable, if they know what is the right thing to eat. I wish I can give some speeches someday to the poor rural area people, in their dialect and really convey the message to their hearts. I wish all human beings will have a better quality of life...

It is so good to just dream sometimes. Although it may sound silly, but I feel good after dreaming. Will they come true one day? I wish... =)

The blaming game~

Somehow I find that blaming is the nature of human being.

It is always easier to blame others rather than to hold responsibility for an incident/ accident. By pointing our finger to others we can get ourselves protected. A way to show others and ourselves that we are not in fault, we aren't the one who need to change. For that, we can continue to laze in our comfort zone.

Today while I was lining up for a fitting room, I saw an aunty dragging a little girl walking very fast passed by me. Probably she is eager to grab the cheap deal she did not realize a small wooden partition jerking out near the fitting room. The small little girl was innocently dragged by her mother (I assumed) and obviously she did not have a chance to avoid the wooden partition as well. As a result, her small little head hit onto the partition and I heard a very loud *bang*.

Although I wasn't hurt at all, but seeing the incident happened in front of me I feel that my heart ached a bit, as if I can feel the excruciating pain as well. Immediately the small girl cried, the mother turned her head and finally realized the small partition. She went to check on the girl's forehead and said it is fine, don't cry.

Then she started saying: "Next time must see properly okay? Don't simply knock onto something. How can you be so careless?". When I heard that conversation I was actually looking at that woman in surprise. I mean, how can you blame the small kid while it was you who dragged her so quickly and didn't notice the wooden partition? The girl was so young and all she can do is just to follow someone she can trust. In fact she wasn't given a choice since she was dragged most of the time.

I can only sigh when I look at the small girl. Once again this showed that blaming is part of our nature. When bad things happen, it is almost a spontaneous reaction to blame others. Have a look at our world histories, blaming was part of the war, part of conflicts, part of misunderstanding. But seems like not many people actually learn the lesson from our past.

P/S: Something that I recalled learning from my self-improvement course. When things turn bad, don't blame others nor you blame yourself. Just hold responsibility of things that happen.

Home Sweet Home~

It has been almost a week since I last stepped into my house.

Nothing has changed but the feeling of being at home is really good. Long hour of traveling from South to North, staying in a budget hotel with uncomfortable pillow and frayed bed sheet and curtain, eating oily and heaty outside food, working under the hot sun and the list goes on. With all that going home is actually a blessing, the comfort zone where I can take a deep breath, let my shoulder melts down, relax my jaw and ease for a moment. It is a place where I can temporary forget about my to-do list, about pressure and figures.

It is always good to go home. =)

Bleak~

The only word to describe my mood and feeling now, is BLEAK.

It has nothing to do with any movie series or whatsoever entertainment-related stuffs, it is a word as stated by the dictionary. Sorry I think for the rest of the post, it may contain a little vulgarity because I am really not in the mood to make things right and proper.

Things have been bad ever since the second quarter of the year. In sales we have 3 quarters per year and second quarters started on May. Sales is down by few hundred thousands and company is having damn lot of politics and conflicts and conspiracies. I don't care who is gonna read this or in the end I am just talking to air, I just wanna let this all out once and for all.

Pressures are from all directions of my life. They are trying their level best to attack me from any possibility that they can ever find and penetrate. I know the market is bad, I know the team is down, I know every negative things that I need, or actually don't need to know. In fact I think I have known too much and I really don't blardy hell wanna know anymore.

What the heck! Then there is this over-doing and under-doing issues which I really don't know how to strike a balance. It is always easier said than done. Who doesn't know the ideal theory? I can give you one thousand and one theories. Whatever shyt theories you wanna know I can tell you, but when put into real life, how many can maintain ideal? You just tell me how many and try to convince me that I am wrong. What the heck!

Sometimes I am really angry with myself. I am such blind that I didn't see things around me. Talk like a nut, do things like a nut and think like a nut as well. In the end maybe I am just a nut who doesn't know what is the right thing to do. I know in the end of the day maybe I am the main source of all pressures, but I seriously don't know how to cut this blardy source out of my way. I am really becoming nuts!

Then there are bad news from the field, from the office and from almost every person that I came accross. When I look at them flushing into me like flash flood, at first I still tried to struggle and run for my life but in the end I just manage to stand still and let the wave flushes me off. I am getting numb, and don't know how to save myself from all these shyt.

Even some stupid indian fella wanna buli me with his dumbass Camry. And I only dared to shout and curse in the car but have no guts to throw stones to his car. At the peak of my madness I actually tore a piece of paper from my notebook and wrote: "Fcuk off! Such uncivilized human beings!". I wrote furiously but I have no guts to slid the note under his bloody windshield. Because I scared he may damage my car, or whatsoever possible damages. In the end of the day the note I flew it onto my dashboard. My colleague said:"Well, now you wrote a fcuk off note to yourself." In the end of the day, I am just a chicken perhaps.

Then there is this stupid flood in Singapore. A real flood that did not happen for more than 15 years. And just 2 weeks before I go for my Singapore vacation and this stupid flood is there to disturb my plan. Really somehow or rather things are just all going in a crooked way. Somehow they just wanna make my hard life to be harder, forcing me to stay in Ipoh long term I guess, in the Tanjung Rambutan hospital. What the fcuk! What the fcuk! What the fcuk!!!

I thought life is full of miracles and indeed I believe in the existence of miracle. But I don't know if miracle ever happens to me? I need a break. Gimme a BREAK!

Random thoughts of the day~

1. While removing makeup, I saw my worn out face on the mirror. Suddenly I am asking myself, since when makeup has become part of my daily routine?

2. Looking at the daycare chemo board, I saw few patients on my competitor's drug and none on mine. Suddenly I am asking myself, was all my effort going down the drain?

3. Have been raining almost the whole day. Suddenly I am asking myself, is the rainy season coming already?

4. Highway is suppose to be express, with the money that we are paying everyday. But I took one and a half hour to reach home. Highway was clogged with cars. Suddenly I am asking myself, is highway = expressway anymore? Why am I paying so much every month?

5. When I was talking to a doctor today, he was repeating a story he told me before. But my mind has no memory of the story at all. Suddenly I am asking myself, since when I am so numbed with the conversations I had at work?

6. From 8am to 7.30pm today I only had a cup of coffee, a toasted garlic bread and a hotdog bun. Suddenly I am asking myself, am I gonna screw my stomach?

7. Today I miss Sam a lot. He is one of the best managers I ever met. I wonder why he has to go to other company? Suddenly I am asking myself, can he come back and save our product? Please?

8. Have been procrastinating. I miss the old days where I don't have much to worry about. I miss my aunty gang. I miss Leo club. I miss reports. I miss lab session. I miss all of them.

9. I miss him, terribly. *sobs*

Shame of Myself~

Something embarrassing happened today.

I was happily talking about my product to a doctor in a hospital today. Full of passion, as I always do. But then she came to ask me a simple question, the data that I should know inside out by now, the data that should be at my finger tips by now.

When she asked, unfortunately to say my mind was blank. I forgot the data, I don't exactly remember the smaller details. Embarrassed, I told her that I will get back to her as soon as possible. In a way I am lucky because she is still a relatively junior doctor, I am lucky because this did not happen in front of some specialists, and I am lucky because I was not working with any of my bosses.

Sigh~ Not that I didn't read my data, just that I didn't memorize the data inside out. Nowadays I feel that I am super disorganized. Things are all scattered around my table. I don't have a to-do list to keep my progress on track. My selling tools (clinical papers and some promotional materials) are running low since weeks ago, and yet I still havent get my ass up to go get more from the office. Last Ipoh trip I kinda went empty handed, I just did with what left in my car. @@"

This Saturday is my dad birthday and yet my boyfriend remembers better than me. Argh! Need some help.