Humanity~

Many people said dog is human's best friend.

I don't know because I am not an animal lover nor did I have any pet before in my life. But recently a friend of mine is suffering greatly from her dog, which is dying of old age.

The dog was with her and her family for more than 16 years and now it is about time to go. I don't know what kind of emotion is that to lose a pet that we have kept company for so long, but I know she is very sad and cannot let go. I remember once when I called her for some business matter, she sounded weird and before I could finish talking she put down the call. I wondered for a while before I received her text and she apologized, because she wasn't in the right mood to talk. Her dog is very sick.

Seeing what she and her family have to go through really makes my mind thinks. Family bonding, love and passion. People feel sad for losing their pets, people feel said for losing their loved ones. All these emotions are evidence that we are still a "human" human.

We aren't completely blinded by money, power and greed yet, although our world is corrupted enough. We still have what makes us human, and that's humanity. I really hope that my friend will be able to go through this. All the best to her.

P/S: Be strong k babe. =)

Super Idiot~

I thought I have seen the worst of her idiotic face for the past few days.

Didn't know that the worst part (so far) is now. She asked her assistant to call and said she is now running low of stock. Asked to put in order urgently when X'mas is just a day after tomorrow and the supplier is closed for the holiday.

The worst of the worst is she some more dare to ask me for bonus scheme when she knew that she didn't have the chance to extend her contract with us anymore. Can you believe it? Such idiotic person? And yet I still have to smile to her the next time I see her? Bloody hell to the maximum.

Grrrr! And the worst thing is, she ruined the first day of my long holiday. Grrrr! >.< You IDIOT!

Idiot~

This woman that I met today is scary.

I was trying hard to endure her evil and greedy face for almost 2 hours, and all she said was to give her a better offer before come talk to her again.

Throughout the whole conversation all she thinks about is money, profit and how to maximize profit for her organization. Ya I mean, I understand you are one of the shareholders and all you wanted to do is to bring the best interest to your company group.

But seeing her face today really ruined my mood to the maximum. Regardless of what I said, she just wanted me to offer her something better. She as a crucial person in a hospital setup never put patients' priority in the first place but profit always comes first.

Well, this is your choice. Don't come and bug me for drugs when you're running out of stock while I am having holiday. Damn you!

I Can't Believe This!

Can't believe I am doing this! Cooking up stories just to make "them" happy. What the hell and what's the point?

Never take into account of public holidays and annual leaves and events. Numbers do not represent everything, use a little of your brain please you idiot! I can't believe I am part of this!

Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrr! >.<

Between Money and Happiness~

I remember once I was having a discussion with a friend. I said now I have to focus on earning as much money as possible, so that I can have my first bucket of gold at the shortest period of time. Anything besides that is of secondary importance.

My friend then asked me, how much is your first bucket of gold? And what happen after the first bucket of gold? Am I gonna start saving for my second bucket of gold? Then forever I will not have the chance to spend, because after second bucket of gold, there will be third, forth, fifth... Infinity.

At that time I just don't understand why he said that. We live in a realistic world, money is a tool of survival. But now when I think about It, I guess I start to see his point.

I am not saying that money is no longer important, but money cannot buy happiness. I want to earn money too, but I just want to have enough money to live a reasonably comfortable and simple life.

Life is only so short, and if I am able to live until 100 years old, a quarter of my life has already gone. I don't want to spend the rest of my life chasing money and miss out all the good things in life. No doubt money is important, but money is not everything.

I don't know if my perception is going to change again in the future, but for now, I know I want happiness more than money.

=)

Today is really a fruitful day. I happened to like my job even more! A patient called me today to know more about her cancer. She saw my number on the form that the doctor passed to her, and initially called to just ask about something related to our biomarker tests.

Then later on we talked about something else, maybe she finds me friendly or maybe I feel bad to call for a stop for the conversation, she started sharing with me how she discovered her disease and how she feels about herself now. The uncertainty, the worries and anxiety. We also talked about food and diet for cancer patients, and she shared with me her family problems and how she felt lucky to have her husband besides her.

In the end although my ears are in pain, complaining of the over dose of radiation from the handphone, I feel happy. I am glad that in my job I actually have a chance to help patients to get a better lives, to increase the accessibility of expensive drugs so that more patients can benefit. Maybe not so noble but at least, I can make some of them feel better and let them know having cancer is not the end of the world.

Suddenly I feel that pharma sales isn't so difficult after all. The opportunity is there, it is just depending on whether I want to take it or not.

All the best to all cancer patients out there. =)

可悲人类～

人类有时真的很可悲，为了一点点的虚荣心可以做出很多无谓的事情。真的很想大声笑，人类啊！可悲可悲。

当压力成为赢家时~

上天对我，其实已经算不话的。

从小到大我都衣食无忧，担心的只是如何考好成绩；担心的只是别人对我的看法；担心的只是一些无谓的小事，谁谁谁喜欢谁，谁谁谁暗恋谁，等等无谓的琐碎事情。出此之外，我可算是一位很幸运的人。

直到我开始工作，我才开始发现这个世界的另外一面，现实的一面，残酷的一面。我渐渐发现原来离开了父母的怀抱，一切都变得很困难。以前以为自己很厉害，到了现实社会才发现原来自己不过如此。

不是说上天已不再眷恋我，而是现在很多时候我都得付出双倍的努力来换取想得到的结果，有时候甚至付出了也未必会有成果。以前是个理想主义者，现在是个现实主义者。

我渐渐发现，其实我很多时候都不如人。很多时候感觉很沮丧，很多时候觉得自己很失败。很多人跟我说压力是自己给自己的。当初我很勇敢的说，压力是我的推动力。但当压力成为赢家时，我就像跌进山谷里的羊，怎么爬也爬不起来。

你们说，我该这么办？

Fork~

I'm at the fork of the road now. Too many things on my plate and I lost control of how to control them. Too many things to consider, and too many things in mind. I stopped asking opinions because that's how other people feel, and they may not be how I feel. I don't want to get myself more confused with the already confusing situation.

I keep asking myself. Am I willing to take the risk? In fact every decision has its risk. Either way I will certainly be facing some regretful moments, thinking of "I should have done this and that". There is no perfect decision, and there is no ideal solution. Either way I will have to sacrifice something, and to be responsible with my decision.

Argh! Lets take a deep sleep and think about it tomorrow again.

P/S: Sometimes it is good to clarify, rather than to keep in the heart and keep thinking why. I hope she will find her answer. I'm happy for you my friend. You've changed so much to becoming a better woman. =)

Decision

Sometimes l get myself confused by asking too many opinions. To the extent that other people's opinions have flooded my mind and heart and I can't hear the voice in my heart.

This time around I am just going to forget about how other people think and listen to myself.

Had a quiet moment for myself and I think I have made up my mind. The rest I will just leave it to God. If it is yours it will be yours.

Good night to myself. =)

La La La~

*La La La La La La, Sing a happy song...*

I wonder if all girls do the same, but I definitely is one of them.
I spend 25 minutes in the bathroom reflecting and thinking, then I spend another 2 minutes to shower. Hahaha~ and today I sorta understand myself a little bit more.

I like myself the most when I first joined the company.
That time I know nothing but I am fear of nothing too. =)

When you have no money~

Yesterday I forgot to bring my wallet out, and while on the way home after gym, I only left RM5 with me, the balance of the money I loaned from my colleagues. The traffic was bad, my tummy is growling, and I was thinking maybe I can stop by the drive thru along the highway to get myself some fast food snack, maybe a box of nuggets or so.

So I stopped by and briefly glanced through the menu. The talking machine is asking me for order but after hesitating for a while, I said sorry and went away. The nuggets itself cost RM6, before tax. I can just sigh and make my way home.

Nowadays things have been getting so expensive or our currency is getting smaller?

Unconditional Love?

What is unconditional love?

Besides my parents, I haven't seen any.

Sigh~

Sigh.

I don't know what to say, but no point crying over spoilt milk.
Better get motivated and start thinking of solutions.
Don't give up Joeanne!

Positioning~

When I was talking to a breast surgeon today, he shared with me his experience of my drug, and also my competitor's drug.

He said he has a patient recently who came in as stage 4 breast cancer patient Very severe, he said he once thought it was a "no hope" patient. He referred the patient to an oncologist and together they started treating her with chemotherapy as well as my drug - Hxx.

He said after sometimes patient progressed from the disease. Hxx at that point of time did not seem to help her in controlling the disease in spreading further. Then the oncologist proceed on next line of treatment, to use Txx, which is indicated for 2nd line treatment after progression of Hxx.

Luckily for the patient, Txx seems to work on her. She seems to tolerate well with the drug and now she is doing okay, at least not as ill as before. The breast surgeon said he is convinced. I mean, totally convinced.

As a sales person who is selling Hxx, by right I should defend for my drug, probably list down 101 reasons why Hxx may not work. But I didn't, I look at the surgeon and nodded. I am glad that the patient has found a drug that can help her, and I believe regardless of how competitive the market is, every drug has its role, and has its positioning in the market, especially in the oncology market.

Txx is indicated to use after Hxx in HER2+ advanced breast cancer who spread to other sites and organs. I think the oncologist has made the right decision, and I guess this will be the future direction of pharmaceutical sales. We market and promote our products based on positioning. Every drug has it roles at different stages of the disease, and we are here to save patients lives, not to take them away for the sake of our sales.

P/S: This is just my opinion. If you do not agree, just have a good laugh and forget about it. Cheers!

End Points~

Sometimes I wonder, in the world of medicinal research when treating cancer is concern, which endpoint is more important?

Progression Free Survival (PFS) means how long can a patient survive without the cancer getting worst. Overall survival (OS) means how long can a patient survive before the patient dies of the cancer, or dies of disease complications.

I've come about this issues quite many times, when the professionals often asked, "Do you think your drug works, when it only shows a fairly good enough PFS but not OS?". Ultimately we are talking about prolonging the lives of the patient.

Yes I agree. Ultimately we are talking about prolonging the lives of cancer patients. To me I guess both endpoints are appropriate, and whether PFS is better or OS, I guess it is also depending on the prognosis of the disease type itself.

For example, a patient is diagnosed with advanced breast cancer, which comparatively have a better life span as compared to a patient who is diagnosed with advanced prostate cancer. For cases where patients can potentially live longer with the disease, PFS is more important to testify the efficacy of the drug, because chances are, patients would have many lines of treatment in the future.

How long a patient can survive is no longer just confined to one type of treatment, or one type of drugs. With the advancement in oncology, patients are now able to live longer with better drugs, and live longer to undergo many lines of treatment, and thus overall survival may not be relevant to see how effective is a particular drug.

But for disease which progresses very rapidly, OS is a good endpoint because chances of patients living long enough for many lines of treatment are low, and thus OS is a good indicator of how effective is the drug given.

I am not a professional to say whether what I said is absolutely correct or wrong. But to certain extent, when a patient comes to a see a doctor with advanced diseases, we know that prolonging survival is ideal, but providing a better quality of life to the patient is also of ultimate importance. And I believe, my drug can certainly achieve this.

Pray for all the surviving patients out there, and hope one day more patients can get access to good drugs. =)

I Eat the Shit I threw~

Opportunities knocked on my door,
Just that I happily let them go.
Thought that others will come soon.
In the end I know this is not true,
If Karma is ever true,
Then I deserve to eat the shit I threw.

P/S: 活该!

Past, Present, Future~

曾经

At different stages of life, I meet different people. Some people were very important to me at some point of times, some people might be just another common person pass by my life. But as the time ticks and I move along, things change again.

People who I thought will be my ultimate partner is now a stranger to me, but to another person, he/ she is now the most important person. People I thought who is not going to cross my life at any point, has now become the most important person in my life.

This is life. Constantly changing and changing is the only constant. So does this mean that people who were once very important to me, is not worth mentioning anymore? So does this mean that people who have come, and now gone is being erased from my life?

To me, for all the people who have come and now left my life, they are still very important to me. Our world is very unique, we value history, we are surrounded by evolutions. Our world has come this far, so do us human. If without our ancestors, then there will be no us. If without evolution, then there will be no us.

So, if without those people who came to my life before, then there will be no me. For those people who were once very important to me, and now moved on to another stage of life, I wish them all the best of luck because I truly believe that to them, I am part of their histories as well.

P/S: Don't deny our past, as they created who we are today.

Mirror and Reflection~

It is such a long holiday, I find myself unable to adjust. Maybe because I am not traveling this time, that's why I find too much of time, but too little things to fill up my time.

Have been rereading some of my motivational books since I have nothing much to do. One of the books talked about the law of expectancy. You are what you think you are. The author encouraged us to look at ourselves at the mirror, and see what we see from the mirror.

Mirror mirror on the wall, show me who am I after all.

For that I stand in front of the mirror and started examining myself. The overall figure, the face expression. What I saw is a tired and plain looking me. Not that I didn't have enough sleep, the tiredness is because I am slowly aging with time. I am slowly out growing my current stage, and moving towards another. I see a face which is lack of inner confidence. There is no radiance in the face I saw. It is like a standing ghost. Quite horrible I would say. Mirror and reflection, maybe that's who I am.

Have been arguing over many things with my loved one. Different perceptions different opinions, but same level of stubbornness and selfishness. Nobody wants to give way, nobody wants to change. Nobody wants to give without a guarantee of return. In the end it is a suffer from both sides. Sometimes I wonder why things can change so drastically. Sometimes I just wonder...

Opportunity~

A lot of time in life, when you miss the opportunity then thats it.


How many times have you missed an opportunity?

&

Why we missed these opportunities?

Dream~

When I was younger, I mean REALLY younger, I dreamed of becoming a tailor, with a small little shop, in the time of war.

I imagined myself being the diligent tailor, helping others to sew and make new clothing and at the same time earn a living. I imagined myself falling in love with a young soldier, who later died in the war.

I believe most of us young ladies, we do have that kind of dream before. The prince charming who come rescue us from our miserable live. Haha it has been so long since I dreamed.


P/S: "You raised me up". Suddenly the song was in my mind.
A nice song that I liked so much, but never really listen to it these days.

This series was one of my favorites when I was young, and that was when I dreamed. =)
Enjoy!

Self Worth~

Sometimes I will ask myself, how much do I worth?

But come to think about it, what do I want to know? How much do I worth in the eyes of others? Or how much do I worth in the eyes of myself? Always people live by the standard of others. For example, I have to do this and do that because this is the standard of society. But how about ourselves?

Sometimes we think that we can count on our loved ones for self value because they are the people who are closest to us. Be it our family members, boyfriend or husband. But what if one day these people moved on or leave for another world? When that happens who are we going to depend on?

In the end we can only depend on ourselves. If there is no self value in ourselves, then we will never feel secured. Never have enough confidence to pursue our dreams, because we look at others before we take actions.

It is fine if today you don't value me as much as before. I value myself.

It is a matter of choice~

Mum brought back a bad news. My grandma was suffering from kidney failure. Only 25% of her kidney is left fighting for her body, the rest has died over time. She is now 89 years old, doctor doesn't recommend any treatment.

Sitting next to my mum listening to her calling all the siblings and asked them to prepare, I know she is not happy, can see from her red teary eyes. Me too. I am not very close to my grandma, but somehow I still feel very sad for her.

How long can a person live? Average of 80 years. It is just a blink of an eye and time flies. The next blink of eye we will see ourselves moving towards the other stage of life, maybe heaven or hell, maybe we are left with bone and dust. Wonder if I will regret things that I have done, sacrifices that have been made when I was young?

My boyfriend told me that we can only live once. Bad times are inevitable. It is a matter of choice whether we want to be happy or not. It is a matter of choice, whether I want to be the victim or not.

P/S: 过于执着只会让自己困在死角，叫天不灵叫地不应。

Intoxicating Hot!

Today the weather was so hot. This reminded me of The Book of Eli.

Protect our Earth! @@

Short Sighted-ness~

I remember my chemistry teacher once shared her story with us. She said her son was a naughty little brat, wanted to try everything that comes to his touch. She once tried stopping him from playing with the switch, but he never listened.

In the end my teacher stopped trying to stop him. In fact, she let him play with it. Her theory is that, her little boy will not listen to her if he didn't know the consequences of playing with those switches. So one fine day, when he was happily playing with the switch again, he was mildly electro-shocked. His finger was numbed for a while, and then the pain came. He cried.

After that incidence, my teacher never see her son going near to the switch anymore. That is even more effective than continuous bugging and scolding!

For the past one week I was like her son, eager to try out other opportunities and possibilities. And I found out that I am happier with what I am doing right now. I realize I am a short sighted person. I wanted to be rich fast, and retire young. I almost wanted to give up when I face difficulties in my job. How sure am I that things will not repeat if I change a different working environment?

A successful person is able to strive even in tough situation. Persistence is one thing, patience is another thing. I'm asking myself, "how much bullets do I have right now?" Be patience, be determined. Set a goal and direction, never give up so easily.

P/S: A friend of mine said that I am a person who give RM1 and expecting RM10 in return. Do you think so?

Pressure Cooker~

Whatever that I am experiencing now, is nothing new to me. Always, I fall to the same cycle, over and over again, and I cannot help myself out of the trap.

For many people who know me well, they know I am a perfectionist. I set high bars for myself, I want to achieve things that other people think it is impossible, or they couldn't be bothered. I want to prove myself to the world.

For that I have a great price to pay, for all my entire working life so far I am living in a pressure cooker. Depression is not a foreign word to me, I experience it almost everyday. I become persistent, I become over-persistent, I become pushy and in the end, people are afraid of me.

I feel defeated. I know my attitude is going to ruin me one day. I know I am finished if I don't change, but I just couldn't help myself. I feel so stressful if I didn't get to do it when other people don't even have to chase for it. Things just fall nicely for them.

Sometimes I just can't control myself but to feel unfair. The world is never fair, I know this is the real world that I am living in, but I just can't help myself to look at others and then look at myself again.

My ex-boss just called, and the minute I heard his voice, my tears just dropped. He told me I am already doing well, sometimes whatever you do, you may not see the result immediately. He asked me to relax, and really need to let go of myself before things really become worst. I know what he said is true, in fact I knew it myself too, but just it is so difficult to not think about it, to not make my brain work for it.

I know some people may have been afraid of me. I know some people will not tell me anything. I know I am not good enough yet. Thanks boss, for the listening ears. I hope one day I will be a better woman.

What goes around comes around~

Last week was a disastrous week.

For all the wrong deeds that I've done, I think I have suffered from the consequences. For being lazy and un-focus, I think my boss have seen it clearly with her eyes.

I am not ragging, nor that I complain anything. Whatever I've done, now it is just the consequences of my wrong deeds. Damage is done, the only thing right now is just to control the damage.

It is okay. Not a problem, I will work on the problems and areas that I am weak at. Gambateh!

Love is in the Air~

At every stage of my life,
There are something exciting waiting for me to explore.

At this stage of my life,
I feel the love is in the air. Many of my friends are getting married, many of them have met the special someone who they can see as a future husband/ wife. Some of them are preparing to be a mother, some of them just started to be a mother. I am happy, because I see the smiles on their faces.

All the best wishes to all of them.

Troubled~

Wow, it has been almost 6 months since I last blogged!
At first I thought I would have just given up blogging, but recently life has been a little bit too sucky and I think I have to blog my feelings out again.

Sigh~ I'm going to move to new house soon. Well, it is suppose to be a good thing but things don't always be good. Mom and dad have been quarreling over some issues, which to an extent where my mum is literally not listening to anyone anymore. She is sorta isolating herself from other people, and just wants other people to follow her way, before she starts making threats like she is not moving with us if things are not sorted out her way.

Sigh~ Dad is kinda given up. From what I know, he will do his way as well, and I am the person left to be the peace maker. Need to talk to mum and maybe let her know that things may be better if we see it from another perspective. But looking at my mum, my mouth is zipped. I don't know how to communicate with her. So difficult, don't even know how to start.

Have been very troubled by this matter. I really don't know how to get this thing solved. Sigh~