Marketing and You~

I've came across this marketing theory where it says that, consumers are bombarded with more than 3000 advertisements per day. However, we human are selective beings, we only look into things that we are interested in. Therefore, we actually *consume* less than 4% of the total 3000 ads daily. Same thing here. There are many people walking in and out of my life everyday, but now there is only one person that I can see in my eyes, and that person is YOU.

Story to be continued...

*I am a criminal*

Ever since I've committed the crime, my heart was imprisoned. I was trapped, listening to the throbbing of another heart. A strong heart, with extraordinary fast beating pace. It should be from a young man, with passion and vision in order to achieve his desired life. But I wonder, how is my heart doing? The feeling is torturing, as I've lost contact with it. Nonetheless, God has never forgotten me, my infiltrators have brought back some signals... The messages of my heart...

24th October 2009
I guess this was the first time you saw the vulnerable side of me. You said it was heartbreaking, but somehow, I just couldn't control myself. Honestly, I have regretted many things that I did in the past, but I have no regret to be with you.

25th October 2009
This was the first time I saw the other side of you. A bit shocking at first, but I still love this side of you.Through the phone, I listened to your voice and my tears dropped, even though I tried hard to act normal. How I wish, that I have a port key, that distance is not a distance after all. I wish to be at your side, especially during this moment.

26th October 2009
Thank you for everything that you do for me. I think I've thanked you many times during the process. I hope my existence can ease your pain. If can't, I wish my existence can at least make your day better. Just wish you can sleep well.

27th October 2009
My heart ached when you said you are a lone ranger. I know you have your own thinking and worries. But I just want to assure you, sometimes it is okay to be vulnerable, it is fine to share your feelings. At least, I am ready to listen.

29th October 2009
This is a day where distance is out of the love equation. We are 40km away from each other, but our hearts are working together, for the best of tomorrow. Wish you all the best and I will try my best too. God bless.

30th October 2009
Happy 2nd month! I love you! I'm really sorry for what I did just now, I didn't mean it. But seriously, I want you to be happy with me, if that doesn't happen, I wouldn't ask you to stay. That is what I really mean actually. Today I learned more about love. Love is not about going where or doing what, is about just being with you. I just want to be with you now, no matter where you go or what you do.

31st October 2009
I am a negative person, especially when comes to relationship and love. Because I have seen too much, people change with time, love changes with time and eventually promises become empty promises. That is why, I afraid I may be another loser, loss to the environment, time and space.

But, I love you. Eventually, there is a kind of bond between us, sometimes there is just an urge to be with you, a desire to see you. Even if we are not doing anything, just being with you make me feel comfortable. That is why, I will try my best. I can only say, I will try my very best to make things work.

I know it may be unfair for you, but I really hope you can bear this with me. Lets go through this together.

P/S: I am not very much bothered by the pasts, as they are part of you.

2nd November 2009
Sorry for ruining your dream to become a politician. =P I think I got to take some responsibility for what happened that night. But, this is because you are simply irresistible. Every time I see you, every moment I touch your lips, every time my heart meets yours, other things will start going on. LoLx. Sounds A. =P

Anyways, I am really happy when you said you want to be there for me during my hard moment. Although I didn't show it on my face, but once again my heart was touched. I am a blessed child, because I have you.

P/S: I am addicted to your body scent...

3rd November 2009
Sometimes my heart wonders, how would Jason Wong be when he is 31?
10 years from now...

He will be a man... As fit as now...
Got a stable career with decent savings...
Got a lovely wifey with 2 children...
One girl one boy...
Girl elder... Always brings her brother along...
Sometimes he will fight with his wife...
Like what is the best breakkie for the children...
Coz his wifey is sucks in cooking...

Perhaps he will have some family short trips over the weekend...
Since Jason Wong likes sea and beaches...
While his wifey likes historical places...
Sometimes he will teach his kids how to ride bicycle...
Have fun in the garden...
While his wife will brew some really nice coffee waiting for him...

P/S: My heart wishes Jason Wong to be happy. Now and future.

4th November 2009
From 1 common friend to now, we have more than 40 common friends. It is like all fated, our first common friend linked us together, and now we are slowly getting into each other's life. Keke, I am happy to see that. ^^

5th November 2009
It was a bit unexpected when I saw your stern and moody face. At the foyer, when you walked very slowly and in a serious way. I don't know, I was just chickened out, but I know I cannot show it on my face. Perhaps I should be happy because I have seen another side of you tonight, and don't know why, I still love it.

6th November 2009
Don't feel guilty about the RCC meeting.
In fact I would prefer you to enjoy yourself with your friends. =)

7th November 2009
女人水做, I think you wouldn't disagree with me. In terms of perception and thinking, I know we have not much in common. Somehow I know, my actions and words may hurt you a lot, I am really sorry for that. But there is one thing for sure, that is I really love you Jason Wong, so deep that I myself am worried. And because of that, my body has automatically turned on the self-protection mode, just to protect my heart from getting hurt. In return, it hurts you. I am really sorry once again.

You said I influence you a lot, but actually it is vice versa. When I saw your text just now, my heart was actually aching. When I walked to the car park, I was crying already. Before I meet you, I have prepared some tissues, because I know I would cry for sure. Tears nowadays, is merely uncontrollable. Love is a strong word, it involves commitment between the both of us and our effort for the future. It also includes the desire to see you happy or at least comfortable, when you are with me.

But deep inside my heart I am a negative person. I have no confidence to make you happy with me, I have no confidence with our future, I have no confidence to ensure that you are better off with me. I am just a stubborn cow who resists to change my mindset. But after all the crying and *arguments* tonight, I think this cow is starting to change, in a good way. *wink*

I understand what you mean about the acknowledgement issue. You said sometimes you don't see the confidence in me, you don't see the motivation to move on. I know somehow I am too eager to protect my own feelings and I ignore yours. I am really sorry for that. But then no worries, you know what, I am yours. =)

Hope your study mode is in full blast tomorrow and day after, sapu the final paper and throw the notes! You know I always want the best for you. So for the future, sacrifice some brain cells la. =P

P/S: I like your (our) future room.

9th November 2009
我是个普通的女人，只想做我男人最后的女人。

13th November 2009
Have not been seeing you for about a week. While on the way to meet you, my heart is accelerating, throbbing so hard that it was almost jumping out of my throat. We have been together for a while, but the feeling is still the same as we first being together. 小鹿乱撞的感觉，你知晓吗?

14th November 2009
I guess crying is part of love. When I whispered at your ear saying that I will definitely miss you for sure, my eyes were filled actually. Just that I am trying hard to control, don't want to show it to you. Nonetheless, from the back mirror, when I saw you standing there waiting for me to go, a lone figure, suddenly my eyes were filled again and I ended up crying again. For no particular reason, I was just being emotional lately.

Tomorrow you will be leaving already, if you ask me how do I feel, it is a mixed feeling actually. I wanted you to go home, you have your family there and I wish you can finish your internship as soon as possible. But at the same time, I am gonna miss you for 4 months darling. Every Friday is not as good as the usual Friday, every weekend may not be as good as the usual weekend with you. Well, I guess life still move on. It is just a bloody 4 months right, I can do it de.

I hope tomorrow I will not cry. =)

15th November 2009
Today is the day where you fly back to Sandakan,
To the embrace of your family and friends.
To the awaiting delicious seafood. =P
While you text me before you took off,
I was on the road heading back home.

You are on the air,
I am on the road,
Heading towards different directions and destinations.
Apparently time and space have played their parts,
But I know our hearts are bonded,
Even if we are separated by the South China Sea.

Take good care hubby, I love you.

P/S: 难得我今天超平静的。。。=P

17th November 2009

Just now I had another weird dream of you. On a sunny morning, we are hugging on the bed, lazy to wake up. But then eventually you wake up first and leave me to continue sleeping. I grumble a while as the warmer has left my side, but still continue sleeping.

This was then continued with you in the kitchen with an apron. Frying eggs and toasting bread with my favorite coffee. Prepaing breakfast.... Then dream no more, was awaken by my colleague as she said is almost time to leave the office. =P

P/S: Actually I wish to be D4 in your heart, to be someone significant to you... =)

18th November 2009
D6 means...

No matter where 车牌仔 go, 车牌妹 will follow...
No matter where A 公 go, A 婆 will follow...
No matter where 衰佬 go, 怪婆 will follow...
No matter where 老公仔 go, 老婆仔 will follow...
No matter where daddy go, mummy will follow...
No matter where 黄健荣 go, 黄丽薇 will follow...

20th November 2009

*I love you this much*

Today don't know what happen, my abdomen is very uncomfortable. Plus the office is so cold, I can only keep drinking hot water to keep my body and fingers warm. Then also add some lukewarm water to my tumbler to roll around my abdomen.

Just got a very strong urge to manja with you... Feel so much to hold your warm hand and rub onto my abdomen. Feel so much to 扁扁嘴, and said it is pain to you. Feel so much to hold you tight to keep warm. Feel so much to see you... Sigh~ Just want to manja with you...

Very 小女人 hor... =S

22nd November 2009
When love becomes unconditional, a person will do anything to make the other person happy, or glad with his/ her life. I think my love to you is advancing from day to day. Everyday when I pray to the God, I wish you will be happy, with yourself, with your work, with your family, with your friends and with me.

When I know that you will have less expenses next year onwards, I am a bit concerned actually. Not because of less movies or surprises etc, it is because I worried that you have less to spend on things that you want, especially with the high cost of living in Sunway. Kaka~ I know I think too much... BAH... @@

24th November 2009
Today while chatting with Stella, she shared some of her thoughts with me. She wants her guy to be more mature, wiser and older, to have more working experiences, to have a stable financial base, to have planning for the future. She said she is a lazy woman, working itself is already very tiring, everyday she goes home she only hopes to have some warmth from her guy, bring her out for nice food, once in a while pamper her with surprise gifts, no need her to worry about his career, financial status and etc. He should be someone who can take care of himself and at the same time able to take care of her. A typical city girl I would say.

That is why she is impressed, when she knows about us. She wonders if love is really so blind that I don't bring other factors into consideration. She said future is unpredictable, people change everyday, like her and her ex-boyfriend, she wonders that at the end of the day, if everything do worth a price.

Well, this is how I responded to her (same meaning but in different phrases):

"I cannot control when love will come, and when it comes, and when I know I really love this man now and he loves me too, I don't know what is the reason for not loving him. I cannot deny that other material factors do play a role sometimes, and sometimes give is not equal to take. But this is love anyways, it is through the willingness to sacrifice for each other, the believe that we will have a future, that we can see true love. Maybe I am just a naive person, maybe at the end of the day, I am not the one who hold his hand till the end, but at least I have no regrets to be part of his history."

After saying all this, she looked at me unbelievably and my vision started to blur. I never know love can be so deep, really...

P/S: 无条件为你

28th November 2009
Today I really missed you alot, partly due to Stell's case. We were on phone for 2 hours yesterday, and most of the time she was just crying over the phone, and I cried too. Life is unpredictable. At this cold night, I just hope you can be at my side, hold my hand and hug me into dreams. I've never cried so much for someone before, I wonder why this time things are so different from the past.

Was blog hopping, this was what written by my friend, but I think it represented my heart as well.

"I wrote your name on the sand, but it was washed away by the waves."
"I wrote it on the chalked board, but it was also being erased."
"I wrote it in my heart, because I know this time it will stay and remain."
(Written by Wenn, 2009)

Love u, as always.

29th November 2009
I hope one day when we have enough of dreaming, our dreams can come true. I hope to be someone special to you in your life. The one that shares happiness and sadness with you, the one that will hold your hand no matter how difficult the road may be. I hope. =)

30th November 2009
Happy 3rd month hubby. You're right, it is tireless to always repeat "I Love You" to you, because it is something deep from my heart, and I am eager to let you know. Regardless, among so many "I Love You" that you have spoken to me, this time the feeling was a bit different, as if I could touch your heart when I read your text. The sincerity of your heart. Once again, my vision was blurred again. I am just a crying baby I know, but this is just because I Love You too.

5th December 2009
Today morning I was so freaked out. I woke up from bad dreams where you are going to leave me, with your cruel and serious face. I cried sadly but you don't seem to care anymore. It was something scary, something that I don't wish to happen, no matter how.

Then I quickly go look for my hand phone, from up and down, from left to right and I still couldn't find my cell. I started to panic, because I off my hand phone, which make it harder to trace, plus I wanted so eagerly to tell you about the dream, so it will not come true.

Then eventually, I found my phone underneath the blanket. Felt relief, I lay back on my bed, quickly text you to *invalid* the dream. Kakaka... Silly me right? =P

Just as you care so much about us, I also care very much about us. Love you. =)

6th December 2009
Not sure if you know this, you are the one that make me cry the most. I know you care a lot about us, and so do I. Thus I will not do things that hurt you, not on my own intention. You know what, it is not easy to find someone who you care so much and not willing to let go no matter what. I think I've found mine too, and I will try my best in making us work. I love you darling, so deep so deep... Can't say that in phone because I know I wouldn't be able to express clearly, due to uncontrollable tears. *cries*

P/S: Don't loss yourself... =)

7th December 2009
I'm happy that we'd been engaged for around 3 hours yesterday. From this small change, I saw the blessings from your friends and I felt that now, our relationship is blessed. Actually, the term engagement has been in my mind for quite some time. But I want to make it a day for us to remember, a day when I really propose you for engagement, officially. So, don't feel wrong for my decision to switch it back. I'll turn the verbal agreement that we had, into a reality... Sooner or later... Wifey, just wait and see...

Love,
Jason @ Hubby

P/S: Definitely, I'll lead you in our marathon... Till our desired destination.

7th December 2009
Many a times I am the one that build thick walls surrounding my heart. I am the one that always holding myself back, to give less, to doubt, just in case I got hurt in the future. Every time when I discover that I love you more and more, I yearn you more and more, I will be panic, I scared my wall is no longer thick enough to protect me from running towards you, even though I may get hurt during the process.

And you, you are always the attacker. You will make many steps forward and break my thick wall. Whenever I wanna chicken out you will pull me back to your side. Sometimes the small little things you said, make me cry as I know how much you actually care, how much you actually want me to be yours. These are energies for me, motivations for me to move forward with you. I really thank God as she has given me a chance to meet you, and be with you, a man that worth my trust and love.

Engagement? Bring it on darling... Muahaha~

14th December 2009
Because of you...
I've changed...
I used to put myself at the top priority...
Doing things that I like...
Caring less about others...
Pleasure, freedom, fun, excitement...
They were substances that define my happiness...

But, because of you...
I've changed...
I started to care a lot for you...
Regardless of what I do...
No matter of what decision I made...
Or where I go...
Your feelings are now my priority...

I think, somehow we've made a step closer...
Or at least I've made a step closer...
It is like you've become part of my soul...
Something that I wanted to protect so much...
Something that made me fearless...
Of the future that I used to fear most...

I think, I've got to admit...
Jason Wong, this is my first time...
For being in love...
So, so, so deeply...

I love you, darling.

16th December 2009
Sometimes I think, if there is a way for you to remember me forever, I will do it. Either it is bad or good. I was thinking, if today I die because of accident, probably you will remember me forever. If that is the case, then I will go die. So weird right me? =P

17th December 2009
没有你的日子，特别孤单。

尽管身边人来人往，但在我内心深处，依然想念你。想念你看我的眼神，想念你紧握我手的时候，想念你拥我入怀的时候，想念你对我开怀大笑的时候，想念你深情吻我的时候，想念你野蛮的时候。。。

你逼我把围墙拆开，要我勇敢的相信，要我勇敢的爱。但是没有了自我保护，所剩下的，只是脆弱的我。一个容易哭的女人，一个爱她男人的女人。

P/S: 我会坚强的。为我，为你，为所有爱我的人。

19th December 2009
A day where I wish you can be at my side. I hate myself for being such weak and dependent. Not giving you pressure, but I really want to let you know, how much I need you, how much I miss you and how much I love you.

29th December 2009
Another 1 and a half hour, and we'll mark our 4th month anniversary. Seriously I am touched, when you said you don't wanna be my past, wanted to be my present, and future. I am touched hubby, really. Thanks for everything.

You said you've changed, I think I've changed too. Hanging around with friends is no longer as nice as hanging around with you. If I can choose, I will give up those hanging outs to be with you. To spend more time with you, even if we are not doing anything.

Perhaps I think somehow we've moved one step deeper to each other. Starting to think (dream) of the possibility of future, the day where we really settle down, and enjoy our days together, no matter they are hard or happy days.

Hubby darling, you've made me walked this far. Don't let go of my hand if you can. Love you.

th December 2009

每次都想呼喊你的名字
告诉你心中的话
面对面 看着你的眼睛
不再追寻你的背影

I don't know if you sing before through the phone, but you don't sing quite well from the phone. =P But, when listening to your voice, my tears dropped again. It was just so natural, and I am touched, to just listen to your singing voice.

At the eve of 2010, I wish I can be a woman whom you will be proud of. I love you darling.

P/S: You know you make me cry a lot, even when typing this post now...

31th December 2009
At the eve of 2010, I just want to tell you I love you, and don't doubt my love to you. Seriously you are different from the first time I know you, where you were always chill and seemed care-free. I remembered you told me that you hate girls who are too sticky, and that was one of the reasons why you broke up with her.

So all the while I thought you are those kinda person, wanted a lot of freedom and fun and attention. But then when I really get to know you, I realized that you are the total opposite of what I knew about you.

Maybe you've changed, as you always mention. Or perhaps that's the real you, someone who you've hidden deep inside your heart. Actually, you are a family guy, with a relatively vulnerable heart. Things that you treasure, you will not let go easily, no matter how hard the situation may be.

As for us now, I know you care a lot for me. Sometimes even worry that I may get myself into troubles, or troubles sometimes just know how to find their ways to me. Sometimes because of love and worry, I know you sounded demanding, but then just to assure you, don't feel sorry for that, because I know that's an act of care and love. If those elements are not there, you wouldn't be bothered.

I am touched seriously, and thank God so much that I've met you along my journey of life, and lucky enough to fall deep in love with you. But, sometimes I am worry for you too, when you put all your attention on me. Not that it is not good, but just remember to strike a balance, and fill your life with other interesting things.

I love you hubby, and I want my hubby to be happy with me, and with your life. Happy 2010. I know we still have a long way to go. Lets hold our hand tight and move forward. Love.

Animal Phobia~

Dog phobia.
Because they licked me when I was young.
Because they followed me from one street to another when I walked to tuition center last time.

Monkey phobia.
Because last time they snatched my drinks when I went to Batu Cave.
Because last time they rampas my orange and snared at me when I went to Selangor National Park (NS time).
Because recently they broke into my room and destroyed 2 pairs of my contact lens and ate my lip gloss.

Cockroach phobia. (insect or animal?)
Because when I was young I picked up one lipas with newspaper and had a good "close up" of their bodies. Damn geli.

Tikus phobia.
Because they are dirty.
Because I saw many dead and flattened tikus on the road.
Disgusting. @@"

And generally I am scared of all types of animals, including hamsters. =P

Stalker~

*Stop stalking me!!!*

You stalker!
Yes I am saying YOU!
Don't stalk me anymore!
Have your own life!
>.<

Guilty Pleasure~

Today Flyfm was having a discussion about guilty pleasure. What you know you shouldn't be doing but you enjoy doing it secretly. This topic was open for public discussion and many people called up to *confess* their guilty pleasures. It was indeed a fun topic for discussion. While listening to others, I thought of my guilty pleasures as well. Lolx.

Well, I don't think watching porns counts. Because it is not a secret anyways and I've stopped watching for quite some times as they bored me. Lolx. Then what is my latest guilty pleasure? I think it has to do with my *greediness* in some particular issues, which I don't think it is wise to disclose it here (don't wanna spoil my reputation, muahaha).

I enjoy the process even though I know I am playing fire. I know if I continue, it is just the matter of time before I fall into the many *traps* that I have set earlier. Eventually I may be the victim of my own greediness. But somehow I think my wild side is just too hard to be tamed. Somehow the wildness of me has surmounted my sense of rationality. I know I am bad, but just couldn't help it.

And the worst point is, I still don't seem to learn from my past experiences. I am repeating the mistake and I know I will regret later. It is like a drug addiction. I know it is bad but I just couldn't help myself.

So whats my guilty pleasure? I think some people may know and for those who don't know what I am talking about, just forget about this. No point killing your brain cells to think about stupid question like this. LOLx. =P

About Facebook~

A general observation.
I think it is pretty obvious that the highlights in Facebook differ accordingly to our age group.

At our early 20s,
The trend is rather active. You can see many of your friends playing stupid quizzes, addicted in some applications, shouting out and looking for food ingredients. Besides, many will shout and yell to complain about homeworks, assignments, tests and Monday. The latter applies especially to those who just started working, like me. =P

In terms of photos, it is not uncommon to see graduation/ convocation photos, trip photos, lover photos and outing-with-friends photos. All these are signs of youth. Active and energetic plus a little innocence, naive and wild sometimes.

At our late 20s,
The trend is getting slightly slower. Less quizzes, less active applications and less shouting outs. In terms of photos, maybe you will see a lot of wedding photos. Either you attend your friends' weddings, or it is your own wedding. Lolx. And now, you don't complain about assignments and reports, but maybe stabbing your boss for the infinite workload.

At our 30s,
The trend is even slower. Maybe you log in Facebook once a week, or twice a week, but not everyday or several times a day. Facebook to this group of people, is less significant as compared to those in early 20s or even late 20s perhaps. Now, people don't seem to upload pictures that often, even if they do, maybe you will see a lot of kids' pictures. *Happy family* Mother and child or father and child. Your good old friends might perhaps write something on your wall, something like:"Hey how are you nowadays? Busy changing diapers?" Lolx... Different stages of life.

At our 40s,
As I do not have any friend in my list who is 40 and above (besides my mom), it is relatively difficult to see the trend. But I think as we age, the significance of Facebook may be replaced by some other things, which have higher priority to us when we reach the age of 40s. Such as family, financial stability, health issues, career as well as children education. Somehow, you may even forget the password for Facebook. Lolx.

In marketing, this is called SEGMENTATION. People do different things at different ages. That is why we have plenty of products targeting different people of different age groups. Pretty interesting huh... ^^

Am I too thin and child-like?

All my seniors are commenting on my appearance. First they said I am too thin, like a stick. Second I don't wear makeup to work. Third I look and perhaps also act like a kid. I was like... DUH!

Today when I was having lunch with my manager, he forced me to have ONE and A HALF bowl of rice, with a lot of fatty roast duck! He said I am too thin and therefore no strength and cannot stand too long (My job requires me to stand for long hours).

Then my senior said I am not *lady* enough. At my twenties but I still dress like a kid. I remember few days back when I went to Hospital Kuala Lumpur to meet up with a periodontist, he said at first he thought I am one of the students there. I was like, please I am wearing soooo formal okay. @@

Yea it is true that I don't wear makeup to work, because it takes up too much of time. I already having sleep deprivation and I don't wanna waste my time in doing makeup when I can use the time to sleep more. LOLx. Just too lazy la. =P

Well, just now when I was trying on some new OL shirts, I did realize that my size is getting smaller. Sobs, okay then, I will try to eat more then. @@ DUH!

Once last time~

Today I guess we both have enjoyed the dinner. No other intentions, just good friends sitting together. I seriously don't want to look back at the past, because every time when I do so, it reminds me of my mistake, or someone who I have missed in life. If I know something like that would happen today, perhaps I wouldn't be so stupid and indecisive last time. If you ask me if I regretted of my decision, I would not lie to you. The answer is yes.

But we both know that nothing can be changed now. There is no U-turn sign. Even if there is a U-turn sign, you already have another passenger in your car. Once we were interacting with one another, today our lives are parallel. It is like we travel back home using the same road, but eventually you turned to right and I turned to left, both heading to different destinations.

I told you everyone deserves to start a new life and you told me everyone deserves a second chance. I am glad that you have found your happiness, although there are still many obstacles in front. But with love I think you have the strength to fight with what is in front of you. Seeing you happy, I am happy for you too, because you really deserve to be happy.

No matter what happened in the past, you are still one of my best soul mates. I wish you all the best and for sure, I will always remember you in my heart, to always remind myself not to make the same mistake again. Once and for all, this will be my last time thinking of our past. Life is moving forward. I will move on and wish to find my happiness too.

Lets work for it together and sincerely, I hope you will be happy. =)

Imagination~

Just to clear things out.
Sometimes don't think too much.
Things can be very simple and straight forward.
No point complicating stuffs based on your IMAGINATION.

You know the truth is A.
But you twist and turn it into B.
What is the point?
So what if people believe in the B story?
How long can a lie last?
How big can a snow ball be before it smashes into pieces?

So please clear your mind.
Stop putting in rubbish,
As it tends to generate rubbish too.
Just keep everything simple and nice.

You will know if it is real.
You don't have to IMAGINE it to be real.
Control yourself.
It is time to move out from your wonderland.
Bear this in mind.
IMAGINATION does not equivalent to reality.

I wonder.
How long does it take to make you grow?

顺其自然~

近来情绪非常混乱。。。
上上下下。。。
反复无常。。。
遇到这种情况。。。
我想最好还是静下心来。。。
以不变应万变。。。

想想自己需要的是什么。。。
想要的是什么。。。
而不是变得毫无方向。。。

有时候有些东西不能太强求。。。
不能太冲动。。。
不能太贪心。。。
顺其自然吧。。。
反而会有预想不到的结果。。。

这是一本不错看的书。。。
人有时候真的应该学会阔达。。。

When expectation becomes the devil~

Today someone knocked onto my car. I stared at him furiously and signaled him to stop. While he pretended to stop in front of my car, he suddenly zoomed off when I was about to step out of the car. Missed the chance to snap his car plate.

I slammed my car door and started to breathe heavily. Heart throbbing. My car was in the middle of the road. Not that I care thou. Grabbed my hand phone as I got a sudden urge to call my senior and said I couldn't be able to make it for the surgery (I was suppose to follow him to the surgery). Worst come to worst I just loss the job. I don't care. Just wanted to chase that stupid nut head. But he was damn far away and I don't know where did he go.

Suddenly tears were dropping. A mini breakdown. My heart was asking a thousand questions. If I could just slow down for a second, if I could just be more careful, if I could recognize the road better, if I could deal with stress better, if I could perform better... In the end I was not mad at the driver, but myself.

When I told my dad, he was telling me to take things easily. Nobody hopes to see accident happens, and if it does happen, we can only accept, fix it and move on. He asked me to relax and don't overstress myself. I cried once again. In fact he is right, I am setting a lot of expectations for myself. I have a set of criteria that define the success of life. That suffocates me and I ended up become more vulnerable than ever.

I remember reading a book called *Follow Your Heart* by Andrew Matthews. He said expectation is a form of driving force, very energetic. But too much can kill. He is right. I guess it is time for me to accept myself as who I am. No one is perfect. Just be a good enough person leading a happy life. I think that is what defines the success of life.

Oh by the way, of course I didn't quit the job. I still hold back all my emotions and stood in the clinic for 3 hours. Backache... =P

Why no sense of direction is a disadvantage~

This morning was attending a surgery with my senior in Pudu Raya. My job was to observe how implant surgery was carried out. But too bad the patient was surrounded by 2 doctors and bunch of nurses. I found it almost impossible to penetrate the wall of nurses to see whats happening in the patient's mouth.

Halfway through the surgery another senior called. He forgot to bring the prosthetic membrane for the surgery that he was attending in Daya Bumi. Having some backup stocks, my senior asked me to send the membrane over to Daya Bumi by driving her car, since it was very near. But too bad you know me, I am Joeanne the blur queen with no sense of direction. I still don't know how to drive there even though they are throwing stone away.

The membrane was really urgent and the doctor was pissed already. My senior showed me a long and black face. She said:
"If you don't know the way, how are you going to serve customers next time?"
"Go take taxi, now"

Well, I get her order and immediately run straight down to look for taxi. Reaching there was not a problem. But finding the stupid clinic in the building was a big problem, for people like me. Frantic, I hugged the precious membrane (cost 1k+ over) and started asking everyone who came into my eyes, from postman to security guard to whoever.

Finally, I reached the stupid clinic and they already started the surgery. I thought I could leave after putting down the membrane. Manatau my senior asked me to stay and help. Seriously I don't think I could help much, since this was only my 2nd day of work, but I know he is being helpful, he wanted to teach me more things and give me some hands on experience.

After I was done with this, I was lost in the building again trying to find an exit with a taxi stand. After few minutes of waving to every taxi I saw, finally I managed to hop into one. It was a Chinese driver and we started to *blow water*, from radio station to the price increment of taxi basic charge. Before I close the door and wave goodbye, he asked: "Are you a Christian?" What is that have to do with religion? Kaka~ Weird, but in a friendly way.

Well, time to start recognizing roads man. Else cannot survive. @@

First job first day~

In summary:

+ Went out almost whole day.

+ Basically traveled the entire Klang Valley already (Not me driving).

+ Finally get a better idea of my job:
1) Sales and marketing (promote company's implant system)
2) Consultation in surgical planning with doctors
3) Assisting doctors in implant and prosthetic surgeries

+ So far, colleagues are friendly and helpful

+ So far, I know nothing about implant dentistry

+ So far, I don't know most of the roads in Klang Valley

+ Got to sleep early. Tmr got to follow my senior for surgery. @@

+ Conclusion:
1) Damn lot of things to learn
2) Damn tired
3) Not that I got a choice @@

My job requires me to see blood~

After seeing this video, I know I can never be a surgeon. @@

*Sorry the quality is bad because this is the recorded version*

My senior pass this vcd to me the other day during the briefing so that I can be more familiarize with the working procedures and things that they normally do as a sales support executive (my position). Of course, we are not qualified to do the surgery. But, we must have the adequate knowledge to *assist* the doctors to do so. This includes surgical planning and the proper use of the implant system (provided if they choose to use our company's implant system).

So whether I am doing this gross thing or not, I have to be there. For the time being, I am there to learn how the surgery is carried out, so that next time I can *educate* doctors who wanted to do implant using our implant system.

Ewww... Gross. Thats my first impression when I first checked out the video. No wonder my manager asked if I am afraid of blood. Well, I am okay with blood that was already withdrawn and arranged nicely in tubes for me to use. But not blood oozing out of incised tissue. And look at the suture part. Omgz... @@

Freedom~

*Freedom*

I think I saw this question somewhere sometime back.
What does sky symbolizes?
To me, it is ultimate freedom.
Besides the stupid haze and low air quality,
I really do like the sky.

Perhaps this is just life.
The reality of life.
There are a lot of things which are not under my control.
I feel helpless.
Especially when I cannot change the current condition.
I cannot escape from what everyone has been going through.

I am no special.
I am just another inhabitant of the world.
How I wish I can be a bird sometimes.
Where flying is part of my life.

My mind is empty and plain.
Really wish to get away from the usual routine life.
With a bunch of cash, a backpack, a camera, a world map and a companion.
There I go, leave my world behind.
And explore the world outside.