Not giving up~

*Not giving up yet*

Today's assessment was like a knife stabbed onto my egoistic heart, excruciatingly painful.

What my boss said is very true. I came in as a mirror rep, I have the tendency to live under the shadow of another person. I am fear of facing difficulties, I am comfortable with my comfort zone. I let the other person do the big thing, while I relax and chicken behind thinking that I can sail through smoothly.

I think I am a balloon. Continuously pumping myself with air without knowing that one day it may burst. The first impression is always impressive, because I have a shiny appearance that can hide the inner me. I acted as if I can, and I am capable to, but I know sometimes I can't.

Of course, how long can a balloon last if we keep feeding it with gas? It will burst one day, when the elasticity has reached its max. Thats me now. Left alone to handle a bigger port folio, suddenly I feel that I am helpless. I have almost nothing to prove to my boss that I can handle it as good as my predecessor. I have no confidence that I can do better than her.

Sigh~ There are a lot of times where I wanted to quit, telling myself that maybe I am not a sales material. But the other side of my heart is still fighting, they don't see the point of giving up so easily. I am easily panicked nowadays when I have to see important customers. The confidence level is low, or maybe more precisely my self-esteem is low. I am afraid that I am not tactful enough to say things in the correct way, which has been proven many times with all the troubles I have with my customers.

The remnants of my confidence, they are seemingly disappearing with time. But I know, I have a warrior in me. I will not give up. No! and Never! I know the situation is changing fast, so fast that I don't even have enough time to learn before the next Tsunami strikes. It is okay. I adapt to changes. I alter my approach. I learn, and I will prove to you, you and YOU as well as myself that I can.

I am not giving up. Not giving up. Not giving the bloody hell up!

朋友~

这些年一个人
风也过雨也走
有过泪有过错
还记得坚持甚麽

真爱过才会懂
会寂寞会回首
终有梦终有你在心中

朋友一生一起走
那些日子不再有
一句话一辈子
一生情一杯酒
朋友不曾孤单过
一声朋友你会懂
还有伤还有痛
还要走还有我

While I was on my way back today, I was listening to one of the old CDs that I got from my father. This is an old song, I believe many of us are quite familiar with. I sang along with the singer, and my mind was thinking of my partner.

Thinking of the changes that are coming so soon, my tears were dropping again. I will definitely miss her. The days where we hang around together, the hard days where we let our mind went crazy with figures and adrenaline. We were once comrade, but we will be friend for a very long time.

I will miss you. Wish you all the best.

Change~

Change is the only constant in life.

I guess this is very much the fact of life. From the first day I joined Roche until now, it is only barely a year. Maybe about 10 months or less, so many people have left, and so many people at the same time joined the company.

I joined Roche as a mirror rep, meaning that I am the mirror for another person for the same product and at the same areas. The purpose is to increase coverage and penetrate the market more in depth, since the product that I cover is the company's block buster.

The first time when I met my partner, I sorta chicken out in a way because she looked cool and cold. She is like one of those hard-to-approach type as she didn't talk much the first time we met. Also she was a bit reserved and only chose certain things to talk about.

I thought I was disliked. Maybe because I am not so interesting or maybe because we weren't just at the same channels. But as time goes by, we have become close partner. At least now we can bitch about something/ someone else, at least now we can talk about personal stuffs, at least if she goes today, I will definitely miss her.

Indeed, she is gonna be promoted really soon. Maybe at the end of this month, as a product manager. I am happy for her, seriously I am. From the start I already think that she is the manager material. It is just the matter of time. But I will miss her, seriously I will, in fact I am already.

When we were having dinner together just now. I was casually saying that this Friday may be her last day on field already as a rep. The feeling was a bit sad thou, as in there will be less chances where we can go yam cha in the afternoon, or morning before we start work.

Change is the only constant in life. When I just about to get comfortable with her, and she is now promoted. And I have to adapt to changes again. Boss said they will hire another new person to take over her place, and he jokingly said that I am now a senior already.

It is just barely a year, and there is so much more to learn and yet I have to bear the responsibility as a senior already. Although I dislike my big boss for being judgemental, but I really hope that I can hit my target.

Anyways, wish her all the best. I am really glad for her. =)

P/S: I remember a few months back I went outstation with another colleague of mine, which was also the last field work as a rep before his promotion. This feeling is back again, but it is much stronger now. All the best babe.

5 symptoms~

Five symptoms that a guy is leaving you

1. He replies your message late. Sometimes didn't pick up your call.

2. He always find excuses to avoid seeing you.

3. Even when he sees you, he is always busy with his own stuffs. Not paying attention to you.

4. He doesn't care much about your stuffs and life anymore. He talks more about other people.

5. He wants more personal space.

It is just ironic sometimes. When he loves you, he tells the world's sweetest story. How much he loves you, how much he is willing to sacrifice anything for you. But when love comes to an end, these are the things some guys are doing (I am not saying all).

I mean, no one can guarantee that every relationship works. In fact we wouldn't know until the very end of our life. But, if you know that this relationship is not going towards the direction that you want, then just be frank to your partner. Avoidance is always the worst thing to do.

P/S: I am just spamming my blog.

W508~

Dear E72,

I am really sorry. Your survival rate has drastically reduced to 3 months under my care. And without much mourning, I have now embraced another phone, and it is your competitor. I am really sorry to say that. But I still love you, k? I really do. Sobs.

New phone on board, W508!
Due to previous bad experiences, I think for the time being I will just go for a normal phone instead of those hi-tech and expensive phone. I do not want them to all end up having the same faith as my E72. So before I actually learn how to protect my phone well, and make sure that they survive long enough, I will stick to this phone.

*W508*

Basic function. Cool design. Handy and slim. Thats more than enough for me already. =D

Blank~

*Blank*

Think is time to empty my mind.
Too much of rubbish.
Clogged.

Nothing in my mind.
Nothing to write.
Thats why I spam my blog.
Who cares.

Flee~

*Flee*

How I wish that,
I will be like her one day.

Freedom.
Stress-free.
Total flexibility.

When life is too stiff,
When there are too many rules to follow,
When pressure has marked its maximum threshold,

Just GO!
FLY!
SCREW EVERYONE & EVERYTHING!

Broke~

*BROKE*

I promised myself to save,
But everytime I am short of cash.

I feel that I am kiam siap enough,
But always I over spend.

Withdrew money again just now,
Balance is pathetic.

How?
I want to save money!

P/S: I wanna be a millionaire, so freaking bad...

Ouch!

*SLAP!*

Today I got a big fat slap, again...
Pain, excruciatingly pain.

Thought of giving up,
Not that I can't live without.

But my mind is too stubborn,
I don't wanna become a chicken.

I will find a way,
A solution.

Gotto prove everyone wrong,
Gotto prove to myself that I can.

Its time to hold responsibility,
Its time to face consequences.

The growth hormone~

Today I went to the saloon to cut my hair. Felt so much better after the hair cut, as in my head is much lighter now, although the style is ugly.

This woman who cuts my hair has a small body frame with a short spiky hair with a flaring red dye. She looks young for a mid 40 lady, and trendy. But maybe her daughter has inherited her husband's genes or due to growing environment, her daughter is rather big size.

We chatted quite a bit when she was cutting my hair. I asked her some stupid questions on hair treatment and how to take care of our hair, which most of the times I don't register what she said. Just wanted to keep the conversation going. After awhile somehow we have diverted our conversation to growing hormone.

She said that people nowadays age faster, die faster. At the age of 30s to 40s, some of her customers have got cancer. She said look at her so small size, but her daughter is so big size. Indirectly saying that her daughter has been taking too much of meat. More precisely, meat injected with over-dose of growth hormone.

Somehow I look at myself. Hey I eat a lot of meat too, but my boobs still small, my body frame still small. Although no doubt the fats are accumulating at my thigh, but I don't think they are due to over dosed of growth hormone. Haha~

Well, what she said can be true thou.

Sucky day~

Today was a sucky day.

Sometimes I don't know if this is the worst day of my life, because I don't know what is going to happen tomorrow. Let just say that today is one of those days where I feel like retreating myself to one corner and stay away from everyone I know. It is one of those days that I will wanna spend the time on my own, and heal my own wound.

Maybe I am too emotionally attached. Sometimes my heart throbs crazily while waiting to see a difficult doctor, or a doctor who I have not been seeing for ages. The feeling is as if I am meeting my long lost beloved person. It makes me nervous and anxious. Mentally I rehearsed my speech many times to find any possible mistakes, to perfect my lines of speech if possible. It is just anxious.

But sometimes even when I have done everything I can, things just don't go my way. People do not know about your situation, and even if they know, not everyone of them care to be bothered. It is fine actually, just that the overwhelming sense of disappointment is strong. So strong that sometimes I feel that there is a lump of tears stuck in my throat, trying to escape. Or maybe, I am trying too hard. Or maybe, this is just one of these days. Or maybe, I did not try hard enough.

Sometimes where there are too many question marks, they tend to drown me into the sea of questions. Like a tsunami coming so unexpectedly and yet lethal. Most of the time I am struggling from the waves of questions, to make sure that I am not drown yet. Not now, it is still too soon to give up. Just that the feelings of helplessness can be so strong sometimes, I feel like I am all alone, no one can actually provide me with solutions. No one is actually wise enough to show me the right way and right thing to do. Many said no one can help us in the end of the day, we have to depend on ourselves. It is a self-determination process. But I am just stuck in the middle of nowhere. I am lost. I need help. I really do.

Just when I thought the worst is over. Dad came back with a bad news. My E72 is now in the ICU, waiting for major operation. The phone's condition is severe, major short circuit due to water penetration. It is all because of me. I should hold full responsibility if in the end of the day, the phone cannot be saved. I am fine with it as well. I know it is my fault. Just that the feeling of losing it slumbered me. So many things, so many bad things, and I have to bear most of the responsibilities. Tiring.

Sometimes I wonder, for people like me who take things for granted, can I be a responsible wife and mother next time? Life is tough, sometimes it really does.

P/S: Life is tough, but I am not giving up yet.