Super Idiot~

I thought I have seen the worst of her idiotic face for the past few days.

Didn't know that the worst part (so far) is now. She asked her assistant to call and said she is now running low of stock. Asked to put in order urgently when X'mas is just a day after tomorrow and the supplier is closed for the holiday.

The worst of the worst is she some more dare to ask me for bonus scheme when she knew that she didn't have the chance to extend her contract with us anymore. Can you believe it? Such idiotic person? And yet I still have to smile to her the next time I see her? Bloody hell to the maximum.

Grrrr! And the worst thing is, she ruined the first day of my long holiday. Grrrr! >.< You IDIOT!

Pressure Cooker~

Whatever that I am experiencing now, is nothing new to me. Always, I fall to the same cycle, over and over again, and I cannot help myself out of the trap.

For many people who know me well, they know I am a perfectionist. I set high bars for myself, I want to achieve things that other people think it is impossible, or they couldn't be bothered. I want to prove myself to the world.

For that I have a great price to pay, for all my entire working life so far I am living in a pressure cooker. Depression is not a foreign word to me, I experience it almost everyday. I become persistent, I become over-persistent, I become pushy and in the end, people are afraid of me.

I feel defeated. I know my attitude is going to ruin me one day. I know I am finished if I don't change, but I just couldn't help myself. I feel so stressful if I didn't get to do it when other people don't even have to chase for it. Things just fall nicely for them.

Sometimes I just can't control myself but to feel unfair. The world is never fair, I know this is the real world that I am living in, but I just can't help myself to look at others and then look at myself again.

My ex-boss just called, and the minute I heard his voice, my tears just dropped. He told me I am already doing well, sometimes whatever you do, you may not see the result immediately. He asked me to relax, and really need to let go of myself before things really become worst. I know what he said is true, in fact I knew it myself too, but just it is so difficult to not think about it, to not make my brain work for it.

I know some people may have been afraid of me. I know some people will not tell me anything. I know I am not good enough yet. Thanks boss, for the listening ears. I hope one day I will be a better woman.

Hate~

I hate her.

Although I have forgiven, but I can't forget what happened.
When is this gonna stop?

Self-hatred~

I hate to say this, but I think I have to.

I hate myself, for many things.

12.11.2010~

Today,

I wear a new pair of shoes. The shoes itself is nice but the wearing part is torturing. I got blisters and skin peel off.

I had a drug talk today in one of the hospitals that I cover. Coincidentally I met a man with his sick wife. His wife had used my drug before but didn't seem to respond. So happened that the man saw us having a talk, and he said:

Man: "You still doing this drug?"
Me: "Ya" (smiling)
Man: "I heard a lot of bad news about this drug, esp in lung cancer. The net is saying a lot of bad things about this drug and yet it is so expensive" (hatred expression)
Me: "Hows your wife doing?" (didn't really answer to his last statement)
Man: "Oh no, she is not doing very well" (eyes watery)

Out of the sudden I got a feeling of depression and sadness, especially when I look into his eyes. I don't know how to continue the conversation and don't know what else I can say. I just excuse myself and walked off.

His sorrow expression was imprinted in my heart. His pain of going to lose his dying wife is so immense and infectious. Before I left I had a glimpse of his wife. She looks like my grandfather during his dying age. At that moment I got a feeling to cry out loud.

This afternoon I received a bad news which I pray hard not to receive. But in the end it still makes it way to me. The first moment I saw the message, my heart sank, my tears rolling and yet I have to wear a smiling mask when I see my clients.

Today is a bad day. I spent my evening crying. My heart is still aching, but I have to find my way out eventually, all by myself perhaps.

Currently~

Today I have a lot of things in my mind.

I lost my car ticket while I was on the way out from the hospital. Absent-minded, not because there was nothing in my head, but I guess many of them are unorganized and I have no intention to get them organized.

Besides, I was irritated by the lost car radio antenna. I don't know which freak has stolen it actually and don't know when did it happen. But I got frustrated when I cannot tune to my favorite radio while I was driving.

Then I practically wasted the whole night online reading articles and catching up with some news. Saw a few clips on Youtube about Selina's (the lovely lady from S.H.E) burn injury. I was shocked and concerned but was at the same time touched to see how her friends and loved ones support her while she is not well. Hope she will recover well.

I don't know how to explain my life now. The current stage of my life. Full of rubbish and concerns and worries and pressure. I am looking forward for 22nd December 2010. But before that, tonnes of work have to be done. Argh!

P/S: Please bear with my broken English.

Single~

Single. Singular. Singularity.

Sometimes I wish to be single again. At least I can have a better control of my tears. At least I don't have to think for somebody else. At least I can live for myself.

Sometimes I wish to be single again. At least if I am stuck in this place, I can just buy a air ticket and go bag pack. At least I can be more irresponsible. At least I can be more happy. Maybe.

Sometimes I wish to be single again.

Blank~

*Blank*

Think is time to empty my mind.
Too much of rubbish.
Clogged.

Nothing in my mind.
Nothing to write.
Thats why I spam my blog.
Who cares.

Flee~

*Flee*

How I wish that,
I will be like her one day.

Freedom.
Stress-free.
Total flexibility.

When life is too stiff,
When there are too many rules to follow,
When pressure has marked its maximum threshold,

Just GO!
FLY!
SCREW EVERYONE & EVERYTHING!

Broke~

*BROKE*

I promised myself to save,
But everytime I am short of cash.

I feel that I am kiam siap enough,
But always I over spend.

Withdrew money again just now,
Balance is pathetic.

How?
I want to save money!

P/S: I wanna be a millionaire, so freaking bad...

Déjà vu~

Is defined as:

The experience of feeling sure that one has witnessed or experienced a new situation previously (an individual feels as though an event has already happened or has happened in the recent past), although the exact circumstances of the previous encounter are uncertain (Wikipedia, 2010).

To me probably it is not a deja vu anymore. I encounter this all the time. Always while I am anticipating something good to happen, there will be some bad things blocking my way. I am going to Singapore for a short vacation this coming Thursday and thought that I can just make my life easier these few working days before my trip. I have done all the work I needed to do the week before and plan to have a more relaxing week.

But in my heart I know something somehow will pop up in the middle of nowhere, which will mess up with my plans. And ya, my prediction is right again. There is this doctor who wanted to see me tomorrow morning at 8am for a briefing on my product, which I think the ROI is freaking hell low.

ARGHHHHHH~ 200% reluctant to see him tomorrow. If I am not going to Singapore this week, perhaps my working spirit will be higher, I wouldn't mind seeing him early in the morning and have to do all the preps I needed to on the world before I see him. WTH...

Blaming again~

Not trying to find fault, but just wanna voice my heart out.
This is my blog anyways, don't like then just get out of here.


Was in the office few days back. As usual having morning meeting with other colleagues and some bosses. One of them voiced out that another company has been head hunting our people over. He said that company is becoming a "little Roche", like to hunt people from our side. Then some laughed, some snorted, some just couldn't be bothered.

Maybe it is the way he expressed it, I raised my eyebrow looking at him in a way. It is as if that company is such a jerk where they only know how to headhunt people from other companies to work for them. Saying as if the only thing they know how to do is to "fish" people from our side.

Well, it is just another blaming game. I wonder if he actually put on his thinking cap before making such judgment. Why people from our company wanna leave and join other companies? Besides better offer (maybe a little increase of salary), why do they leave if they are truly satisfy with the company? Perhaps we should bear some responsibilities as well.

But don't think many of them actually see this. All they do is just to point their fingers to others. What to do? It is too simple to blame.

P/S: A bit of crap. Whatever.

Bleak~

The only word to describe my mood and feeling now, is BLEAK.

It has nothing to do with any movie series or whatsoever entertainment-related stuffs, it is a word as stated by the dictionary. Sorry I think for the rest of the post, it may contain a little vulgarity because I am really not in the mood to make things right and proper.

Things have been bad ever since the second quarter of the year. In sales we have 3 quarters per year and second quarters started on May. Sales is down by few hundred thousands and company is having damn lot of politics and conflicts and conspiracies. I don't care who is gonna read this or in the end I am just talking to air, I just wanna let this all out once and for all.

Pressures are from all directions of my life. They are trying their level best to attack me from any possibility that they can ever find and penetrate. I know the market is bad, I know the team is down, I know every negative things that I need, or actually don't need to know. In fact I think I have known too much and I really don't blardy hell wanna know anymore.

What the heck! Then there is this over-doing and under-doing issues which I really don't know how to strike a balance. It is always easier said than done. Who doesn't know the ideal theory? I can give you one thousand and one theories. Whatever shyt theories you wanna know I can tell you, but when put into real life, how many can maintain ideal? You just tell me how many and try to convince me that I am wrong. What the heck!

Sometimes I am really angry with myself. I am such blind that I didn't see things around me. Talk like a nut, do things like a nut and think like a nut as well. In the end maybe I am just a nut who doesn't know what is the right thing to do. I know in the end of the day maybe I am the main source of all pressures, but I seriously don't know how to cut this blardy source out of my way. I am really becoming nuts!

Then there are bad news from the field, from the office and from almost every person that I came accross. When I look at them flushing into me like flash flood, at first I still tried to struggle and run for my life but in the end I just manage to stand still and let the wave flushes me off. I am getting numb, and don't know how to save myself from all these shyt.

Even some stupid indian fella wanna buli me with his dumbass Camry. And I only dared to shout and curse in the car but have no guts to throw stones to his car. At the peak of my madness I actually tore a piece of paper from my notebook and wrote: "Fcuk off! Such uncivilized human beings!". I wrote furiously but I have no guts to slid the note under his bloody windshield. Because I scared he may damage my car, or whatsoever possible damages. In the end of the day the note I flew it onto my dashboard. My colleague said:"Well, now you wrote a fcuk off note to yourself." In the end of the day, I am just a chicken perhaps.

Then there is this stupid flood in Singapore. A real flood that did not happen for more than 15 years. And just 2 weeks before I go for my Singapore vacation and this stupid flood is there to disturb my plan. Really somehow or rather things are just all going in a crooked way. Somehow they just wanna make my hard life to be harder, forcing me to stay in Ipoh long term I guess, in the Tanjung Rambutan hospital. What the fcuk! What the fcuk! What the fcuk!!!

I thought life is full of miracles and indeed I believe in the existence of miracle. But I don't know if miracle ever happens to me? I need a break. Gimme a BREAK!

无力... 无奈~

有时放工回家，一身疲累。坐在电脑面前头脑一片空白。只希望明天是休假，至少可以小休一下，远离是是非非，远离现实。觉得人生有时真的很无奈，现实与梦想好像永远都分开。有人说努力是成功的方程式，但是努力的背后需要有多少的血汗，多少的时间，多少的心机？还要经过多少的失败，多少的沮丧，多少的眼泪，才能达到梦想？而且还要做多少违背自己的心，违背良心的事情呢？

有些时候，当努力过了，但现实依然是现实，梦想依然是梦想的时候，那我们又该如何面对呢？乐观面对？接受事实？从新来过？这些都是易讲不易做的事。

现在的我，只觉得疲累。望着前方，什么都看不到。真的希望可以抛开一切，拿个旅行包包，一走了之。

P/S: 何时的我才可以过着无惧无忧的生活？

Dementia Me~

The other day while chatting with my colleagues, they said structurally, we female have a different brain as compared to male. How different I don't know, since I am not a neuro expert. But then if gender does make a difference to our brain's structure, maybe the same to dementia, or milder case, forgetfulness.

Nowadays I am very forgetful and disorganized. Early morning when I go to work, my car is quite clean and tidy. But by the time I reach home, my car is in a mess. Used scrambled tissue papers, toll tickets, smart tag, petrol receipts, pens, bag, note book, and etc. They are everywhere in my car.

What worst is that nowadays I am seriously forgetful. This minute I have a to-do-list in my mind, the next minute I can forget half of them already. Today I even left my important document in the hospital (the place I work) and now I only hope that somebody will note it and keep it. What most important is that I hope nobody from the same line notices my folder, otherwise I will be in dead shit.

Why la? What happen to my brain? o.O

Once upon a time~

*Shame of myself*

Once upon a time, I was environmental friendly. Leading a bunch of green people trying to raise awareness on environmental protection.

But look at what I am doing now, I think this is what they call the Maslow's Hierarchy of needs. When basic needs are not satisfied, we are not motivated or driven to do something beyond.

Once upon a time, I thought I would be different, but now I realize that I am merely another human living in this suffocating world, and unable to escape from reality.

Stalker~

*Stop stalking me!!!*

You stalker!
Yes I am saying YOU!
Don't stalk me anymore!
Have your own life!
>.<

Guilty Pleasure~

Today Flyfm was having a discussion about guilty pleasure. What you know you shouldn't be doing but you enjoy doing it secretly. This topic was open for public discussion and many people called up to *confess* their guilty pleasures. It was indeed a fun topic for discussion. While listening to others, I thought of my guilty pleasures as well. Lolx.

Well, I don't think watching porns counts. Because it is not a secret anyways and I've stopped watching for quite some times as they bored me. Lolx. Then what is my latest guilty pleasure? I think it has to do with my *greediness* in some particular issues, which I don't think it is wise to disclose it here (don't wanna spoil my reputation, muahaha).

I enjoy the process even though I know I am playing fire. I know if I continue, it is just the matter of time before I fall into the many *traps* that I have set earlier. Eventually I may be the victim of my own greediness. But somehow I think my wild side is just too hard to be tamed. Somehow the wildness of me has surmounted my sense of rationality. I know I am bad, but just couldn't help it.

And the worst point is, I still don't seem to learn from my past experiences. I am repeating the mistake and I know I will regret later. It is like a drug addiction. I know it is bad but I just couldn't help myself.

So whats my guilty pleasure? I think some people may know and for those who don't know what I am talking about, just forget about this. No point killing your brain cells to think about stupid question like this. LOLx. =P

Imagination~

Just to clear things out.
Sometimes don't think too much.
Things can be very simple and straight forward.
No point complicating stuffs based on your IMAGINATION.

You know the truth is A.
But you twist and turn it into B.
What is the point?
So what if people believe in the B story?
How long can a lie last?
How big can a snow ball be before it smashes into pieces?

So please clear your mind.
Stop putting in rubbish,
As it tends to generate rubbish too.
Just keep everything simple and nice.

You will know if it is real.
You don't have to IMAGINE it to be real.
Control yourself.
It is time to move out from your wonderland.
Bear this in mind.
IMAGINATION does not equivalent to reality.

I wonder.
How long does it take to make you grow?

3 words, 8 letters, say it and I am yours~

*Chair = Chuck + Blair*

I am 23.
But I still fall for guys like Chuck Bass.
Just in case you don't know.
He is the hottest guy in Gossip Girl (GG).
To me at least.
Yea GG may have no nutrient.
Some said it is a waste of human and capital resources.
But who cares?
It is not a shame to still fall for hot guys.
Especially someone like Chuck Bass.

He may be a bad guy.
I don't care how many one night stand he has.
When he lost his virginity and to whom.
I guess he himself doesn't know.
But who cares?
I just know that he loves Blair.
And is willing to do anything to protect her.
Even if that involves to lie to himself.
And to quit the triangle love.
Yea, pretty boring even for an American drama.
But once again who cares.

I just want to shout out loud.
I have fallen.
For Chuck Bass in GG.
But not for Ed Westwick in real life.

Can't wait for season 3. =P