To you, from me (2)~

To you:

有时候我也不想想太多，
但是因为在乎，所以才会去想。

因为害怕，所以不敢相信。
因为想保护自己，所以不想未来。

但是，请给我这不想未来的女人，
一点时间。
因为我相信，
Eventually I will have faith with us.

From me.

What happened?

Today morning was a rainy day...
So nice that it shouldn't be a working day...
Trying hard to keep myself awake...
While I didn't pay much attention...
I knocked onto someone's else car in front...
In the middle of traffic jam...
A black Wira...
A very minor one...
But clearly it was my fault... my fault...

It was still drizzling outside...
He came down from his car...
I put on my emergency signal...
And get out of the car....

*Side bumper slightly detached? (red circle)*

I inspected his car...
And snapped some pictures...
His side bumper was slightly detached (red circle)...
Duh~ Don't know how to describe...
But I know is nothing big...

He saw I am a girl...
Thought of threatening me by saying that he wanted to report police...
Asked me to leave my contact number...
He will send his car for repair...
Then he will call for *outside settlement*...
Else he will make police report...

I raised my eyebrow...
Waving my hand phone in my hand...
Saying that I have your car pictures with me...
We can go for outside settlement of course...
But then don't think you can request for hundreds...
You can also go report police...
With this kinda damage I don't think they will layan you...

I know I am at fault...
But don't know why...
He just pissed me...
As if I am a three year old...
So I shot him back...

He then said he was busy...
Then he went off...
I sat back in my car...
With the emergency signal on...
Thinking of what I did just now...
What happened to me?
What bloody hell on earth happened to me?
So careless... and reckless... and rude... @@"

Eventually he called...
Asking for RM40...
Well... At least he knows I am not stupid...

P/S: Initially I didn't want to mention this to you, because I don't want you to worry.
But eventually I think that maybe you should know, because I am not that good actually...

Can't live without YOU~

*My second beloved*

People say...
Too much of coffee is not good for your health...

I say...
A cup of coffee a day...
Keep my sleepy bugs away...
Although they come back after a while... @@"

For now, coffee has become my second beloved, especially Old Town white coffee. Everyday before I go to work, I will get myself a cup of coffee, either I DIY (instant 3 in 1) or I will drop by Old Town to grab one before I go to office. Today while I was sipping my iced coffee, I stared at the water droplets adhering on the plastic cup, I heard my heart saying:"Really can't live without you..." Kekeke...

Not sure if it is really effective but it is more like a habit already, something that I must do almost everyday. But then I hope I can find an alternative la, because over-dosing myself with coffee is not something fun thou.

P/S: Someone said he will try to change my habit. Let see if he can do it. Ngek ngek. ^^

Shanghai, September 09~

It has been a few years back ever since the last time I visited Shanghai. Pudong international airport is still the same, modern, simple and filled with rushing passengers. But this time when I stepped out of the airport, the air is chokingly dusty. *cough cough*

*Construction under the flyover to widen the road*

The first sight of Shanghai city, the sky is full of dust and the air is much more polluted than the last time I came. Construction is almost everywhere in Shanghai, building bridges, flyovers and roads. Some are digging the roads to build underground piping systems. Almost every road is congested. All buildings beside the expressways were repainted, FOR FREE. My aunt said this is because China is preparing for the upcoming International Expo, which will be held next year May, an event that shouldn't be missed.

*Example of apartment that cost 3million RMB per 100 square meter*

In Shanghai, unless you are a billionaire, otherwise the most economic choice for accommodation will be apartment or condominium. However, they can still go by MILLIONs, especially those that located near to the city center. According to my aunt, 100 square meter apartments can easily go up to 3 millions RMB per unit. This is seriously ridiculous. That is why the lifestyle here is very fast paced. In the subway station for instance, you can see everyone rushing from one destination to another. Time is gold, every minute is an earning opportunity.

No doubt China's economic has skyrocketed since they opened up for international trading, but they are still relatively conservative when comes to politics. The government practically blocks all social networking and video sharing sites, to prevent extremities from spreading rebellious activities and influences. Well, this is a PAIN for me thou, because that means I wouldn't be able to blog and access to Facebook for a week. Thats a PAIN, especially when I thought of the possibility of losing contact with him for a week. Luckily msn is working. =P

*All sites blocked!*

With the help of Brian, I spent the whole night trying out different proxy settings with an attempt to crack into Facebook and blogspot. Nonetheless, all attempts failed. I think China people are damn ass smart, they even block the websites that teach us how to unlock Facebook. Duh~ @@"

*North and south directions of LouShanGuan Road*

Next, I found something very interesting about their road signs and direction. Unlike Malaysia, for one single road name, they are split into 4 directions, north, south, east and west. So if you are calling a taxi, better be sure that you know which direction of the road you are heading to. Otherwise there is a high possibility that you will be stranded in some unfamiliar places. And the worst part is, it may take another hour (by car) to go from one direction to another of the same road, thanks to the 24/ 7 jam in Shanghai.

*This showed how much I have shopped... LoLx...*

Next, my recommendation for all shopaholics, the end of summer and the beginning of autumn is the best time to shop for summer clothing in Shanghai, provided you know where to shop of course. They have plenty of most-up-to-date choices with ultra cheap prices. As China is one of the main producers for many branded stuffs around the world, often times you will find branded clothing at a unbelievably cheap price. So, spending is one of the things I did the most during this trip. Kekeke...

According to my aunt, "You will never go hungry in Shanghai." That's pretty true thou, everywhere on the streets, you will see hawker stalls selling local foods, you will see medium to big restaurants offering different cuisines, you will see big hotels offering steak and fine dining. No matter how much money you have in your pocket, there will be a place for you to satisfy your stomach and taste buds.

*China people are generally carnivores. China Carrefour is selling pig's digestive system in
a 4 degree Celsius freezer*

As for me, the food is nice, but it will be better for those who are a meat eater. This is because almost every meal they will have a proportion of 80% for meat, especially fried and grilled. So whats the consequences? I got a bigger tummy and a few days of constipation.

As a whole, Shanghai has given me a brand new experience, a rapidly modernizing city, but it is not a place that I will stay for long term. The pace is too fast and the people are generally more self-defensive and unfriendly. Plus the jam is too terrible and the air condition is too bad. I do like a city which is modern enough but with a moderate pace, friendly people and a lower cost of living.

Till then. Such a long post. @@"

Perhaps~

Blank...
Emotional...
Procrastinating...

Everyday we are constantly changing, changing with our living environment. During the process you may meet some true friends and loved ones, at the same time you may also lost some of those. Life is always as such, people come and go.

At every stage of our life we will meet different people and at the same time, some old ones may be left behind. At one moment you thought you have met a true friend or loved one, you thought this is going to last forever, the next moment you are losing him/ her already. Somehow it is a solid fact, but it is difficult to accept.

Sometimes I will still think back, those happy times we had together. Procrastinating. Flashback. But somehow I know you have done tolerating me, you have done seeing me acting in ways that you dislike or disagree with. So you go on with your own way, you shut the door that connects our hearts. Well, perhaps I started it first, perhaps you are really disappointed with me. Whatever.

Blank. Sigh. Blank.
Somehow I am still the girl living in my wonderland, no matter how much I tried to convince myself that I have walked out from the comfy zone. Perhaps I am not as strong. Perhaps...

Always remember~

Today when I passed by the road...
I suddenly remembered of you...
The night when the accident happened...
Your last moment in the hospital...
The day you rest in peace...
The road became very creepy suddenly...
Silence and unwelcoming...

But I just want to tell you that...
You didn't sacrifice for nothing...
Because I will always remind myself when I am driving...
To always be careful no matter what...
To always be alert of the road condition...
To always stop aside when I am sleepy...

I will also remind myself of my past accidents...
When I dozed off and knocked onto the highway divider...
I will always remind myself...
For how lucky that I am still alive...
For how lucky that I am still able to hold the hand of my loved ones...
I will always remember...
Don't take life for granted...

Dear friend,
No matter where you are now...
Hope you bless us all...
Especially your family...

Death~

*朋友，一路好走*

Today I received several missed calls from my friends while I was on the plane. I called back thinking that they were planning something for Raya holiday. But then what greeted me was not holiday plans, but the death of my friend.

I was really shocked. Seriously when Feleh told me about this, I didn't know what to say, I didn't know how to respond. There was one second when I was about to cry, not only because of the death of my friend, but I am much more concerned about his sister. She is always a strong girl, a girl who is full of courage and determination. But dealing with death is so not an easy thing, especially when he/ she is your beloved ones. It requires a lot of strength and determination and support. I just wish I could be there to at least give her a patting hand, a hug or even a chance to cry together. Being the eldest daugther and the only child left, sometimes I know she doesn't even have the right to cry, because she has to be strong to support her family. Suddenly, I feel very sad.

This reminded me of my friend who had to deal with her mom's death all alone about a year plus ago. Her mom was diagnosed with cancer and it was spreading uncontrollably. Till the end of her days, she was weak and thin, so unbearable that you wouldn't want to see it anymore. But as the eldest daughter, she had to deal with this, no matter how much she was reluctant to do so. She has to be the supportive one to support her family, her dad and her young brothers. It was very difficult. I remembered meeting her at Secret Recipe after some times of her mother death. She was crying uncontrollably, saying that she could give up everything to exchange for her mother's life. I don't know what else I could do besides sitting beside her and offered her a patting hand. That time was really sad.

Life is short. Life is precious. You will never know what will happen tomorrow. You may not have the chance to say thank you to the people that you care and not have the chance to apologize to the people that you have hurt. I remembered the montage for Grey's Anatomy last episode season 5 (Now or never), when Christina rushed to Owen and expressed her feeling to him, telling him how she also felt the same for him. That moment was really touching and sweet, as she has finally realized that if you love someone, you have to say it, while they can still listen to you, something that we should learn from them. Do it or say it, before it is too late.

*Christina and Owen in Grey's Anatomy*

To my dear friend, I hope you rest in peace.
To my dear friend who has just lost her beloved brother, I hope you can be strong.
Always with love.

P/S: 1st day in Shanghai and I wanted to tell you out loud that I miss you a lot.

(Written on 18th September 2009)

拉锯战~

无意中在网上发现这篇文章，述说着华人在美国的辛酸史。其中有一段作者提到，

"怨愤的心情持续过久就会转化成一种内心“拉锯战”，不断在失落感与决心克服困难、自强不息这两种感情中挣扎。接着有人会感到沮丧、失望，无助、悲伤、前途渺茫之感排山倒海般袭来，他们后悔放弃之前的选择。 有些人会感到身心俱疲、无精打采，这过程通常会持续一段很长的时间，有些人甚至需要在心理医生的指导下才能克服这种心情。"

现在的我正处于这种状况，对于未来非常的不确定。喜欢现在这份工作吗？老实说我还没有很喜欢，感觉压力很大，是不是每个初学者都是这个样子的呢？还是我给自己太多压力了呢？但是内心就是不想放弃，因为努力一向是我的宗旨。可是，硬撑一份自己不是很喜欢的工作，我真的会开心吗？但是，如果现在我放弃了，我会后悔吗？会不会太早下定论了呢？因为没有人可以确保以后的我会不会爱上这份工作。烦。

但是回头想一想，人生不就是这样吗？往往都是需要我们慢慢地去摸索，去发现什么才是最适，才是我们想要和需要的。Life is a process, there is no destination. 嗯，慢慢来吧，加油哦。。。 ^^

P/S: 希望你是我人生过程中能携手相伴，互相勉励的人。=)

H1N1~

Today received a shocking news. My boss told us that our office clerk's son was transmitted with H1N1. From today onwards she will not be coming to work for one week, self-quarantine at home. Since company trip is on this Friday, so means she couldn't be able to make it for the trip already. Suddenly everyone is worried, because we are people who have direct contact with her.

So far I am feeling okay, just abit tired. Now just pray hard that nothing went wrong, everyone is healthy. Because I am going to Shanghai this coming Friday too, to meet up with my family there. They will be going one day earlier to my aunty's place in Shanghai. I hope the KK trip history is not going to repeat itself. This time the air ticket is much more expensive man. Oh God, please don't do that to me.

Anyways, the trip is still not the most important reason, although I will be very 心疼 if I couldn't make it, I am more concern about him. Either I cannot meet up with him this Thursday (to avoid the possibility of transmitting to him) or I risk him to get transmitted. Both are not something that I wish to happen. Well, nothing much I can do now, lets just pray hard that my body immune system is strong enough to fight against these stupid flu viruses. @@"

P/S: This is a realistic world, learning to control temper.

To you, from me~

Yesterday was a great day. Get to meet his sister and we talked a lot more about ourselves. When I looked at him and saw his serious nodding face, I am happy because I know I found someone who is willing to listen, even though it is not about something fun. Thanks dear, I really appreciate that.

To you:

" When I said I don't know what will happen in the future, what I mean is I cannot predict the future, but that doesn't mean I wanted to quit or so. Never in my heart I wanted to let you go, but just that, I can only say I will try my best to walk this path together with you, no one knows what may happen in the future, but we try work things out for the future. Is that okay? And, don't give yourself too much pressure. Always love you. "

From me.

P/S: For those who are reading this post, hope you guys don't find it too geli, just a bit of self-expression only. Kekeke... =P

1st OT Experience~

Today was a long long day. Met up with my senior at 7.30am and then head straight to Damansara Height to attend one major surgery with my boss. This was a big one, with 3 oral surgeons together with an anesthetist and a few nurses who are damn hell bossy.

The moment we stepped into the medical centre with all our stuffs, the so-called head of nurse came over and asked:"Who are you? What are you doing here?" In a very rude way. Shit her. Then because I am still new, the so-called head of nurse, lets give her a name, how about goblok? So this goblok came to talk to my boss, she said *her* operating theatre (OT) is very small, she doesn't want unproductive people to be inside *her* OT. As if she owns the medical centre. Then my boss said I am there to learn and assist. She said she knows everything already, no need assistance. But then too bad my boss knows her boss too well, so I got a chance to scrub in. Muahaha~ But then she wasn't very happy and kept shooting me with her annoying look. Duh~ As if I care.

But then this goblok is seriously piece of shit. I hope the patient won't get any infection later in time as we were using *contaminated* instrument thanks to this lovely goblok. After the first part of the surgery, this goblok asked me to pack and clear everything with my company's logo and get out of *her* operating theatre. That time my boss asked me to clean the surgical set so I thought we have done our part. So I started packing and cleaning and get dressed.

Manatau later on I was told that we still need to stay for the second part of the surgery as the doctors still need our stuffs for second stage surgery. But then, I have packed everything and they are no longer sterile. Then I looked at the goblok, she got no words to say. But then since autoclave needs another 1.5hours, so without choice they just wiped the handpiece with alcohol swab, hoping to kill the bacteria. But please la, I am a science student man, I know this is impossible. But then since the goblok so smart, let her do la. @@"

Then something even more ridiculous. Before the start of the second stage surgery, she came over and talked to my senior. Something like this:

Goblok: You all doing implant one is okay, I am in the surgery side so I am very fussy. You see the way I wash my hand and the way I wear glove, is different from you all right?
Senior: No ah, is the same.
Kakaka~ Damn funny, then she is speechless again and walked away. Seriously ridiculous man.

Nonetheless, overall this was a real great experience. First the OT is damn hell cold, as if it is used to store corpse. @@" Next the surgeons are working under high pressure, even unproductive people like me, could feel the tension. Each time they finished one part of the surgery, they will go for a 10 minutes coffee break. One doctor even went out to smoke. It is not hard to imagine their tension thou, as they are dealing with life and death. There is no room for mistake. Even a small one can kill.

So overall, damn freaking tired. But since tomorrow is Saturday and I am going to see him, then it is okay la. Muahaha~ =P

*In the prep room, waiting for the surgery to start.*

Heart Breaking~

Really disappointed when I see your post. So now I know, this is how you see me.

"Keep it beside when I need it; Keep it aside when I don't need it."

Darling we have been friends for so many years. It is really heart breaking when you said something like that. Our life is composed of many things, and friendship is one of them. But then they are not the only one. There are times when you see other things more heavily than the others, but it doesn't mean that I don't treat you as my close friend anymore or so called to dump you aside when I don't need you.

Remember those days when you cried over the phone? Remember those days when you called from UK? Remember those day I used to call you and talk about nonsense? Remember how I would laugh no matter how hard you scold me? Remember those days when we shared our problems in the Metrobus after tuition? I am not procrastinating, I just want to let you know, all of these are part of my life, and I hope they are part of yours too.

It is really hurtful when you said you would slap me if I am not Joeanne Wong, if I am not you old old friend. I was like, why? It is true that nowadays we didn't hang out that often, it is true that someone has a greater priority in my life now, but that doesn't mean I don't treat you as friend now. What do you want me to do? That day after talking to you, I stared at my cell blankly, wonder who have changed. You or me? or we both have changed?

Oh, why he is not my boss? >.<

Today I went for my monthly orthodontic checkup after work, around 6pm. Initially planning to skip the appointment and tried making another one as I was too lazy to see doctor again. But then I remembered I just skipped one recently as it clashed with my weekend trip. So no choice, I went and guess what, I saw an interesting drama. ^^

It was 6pm++. The clinic was left with 2 patients including me. Nurses started to grumble. They wanted to go back early and no one wanted to work over time. There was this senior pretty nurse, she started to show her busuk face to the doctor, slamming the drawers and talked very loudly and rudely. From another room, she shouted to the doctor saying that she wanted to go home already. At that time doctor was attending me while she and some other nurses were attending the other patient.

Then doctor said please handle the patient for a while, he will be coming after he was done with me. The doctor said don't leave the patient unattended. The doctor was saying in a gentle way, almost pleading her to stay for another while. Then something interesting happened. The senior nurse marched over to our room and started crying. Below was the conversation as I recalled:

Nurse: This is your job, you have to do it! Not me!
Doctor: Yea I know, but please help me to attend the patient for a while.
Nurse: It is 6pm already! I want to go home!
Then she started crying.
Nurse: I am taking your salary but this is not the way of working!
Nurse: I don't want your OT money, I have enough to eat and spend.
Doctor: Okay okay, you don't cry in front of me. You go home first I will do the rest.
Nurse: If you continue like this I will quit this job!
Doctor: Okay okay you go home first.

I was like... Whoa! First the doctor was getting a bit emotional and I am worried that he might mess up with my teeth. Muahaha~ Second thing is, how can the nurse be so rude to the doctor? And how come the doctor is enduring her like a queen? I was thinking maybe they are relatives? or maybe because the doctor is depending on her. To train someone is not easy though. =P But still... It was abit over lor... How come my boss is not like him one? @@"

Oh btw, one good news of the day. If nothing goes wrong, I will be braces-free in 2 months time. Muahaha~ Yay! ^^

Gambateh!

Ever since I started working, things have changed from ultra busy to very free sometimes. For the entire August I was bombarded with implant surgeries almost everyday or prosthetic procedures once in a while. Overall it was a very busy month. The momentum however, is moving towards plateau. Not that there is nothing else to learn anymore, but just that they are now expecting something from me already. Like how to arrange appointments with doctors and etc.

For people who work in the sales line, it is always not a good idea to stay in the office for too long, because your job is to get sales for the company. Meeting clients and building a better relationship with the clients are much more important than staying in the office. As according to my senior, September is a low season as this is the month of Ramadan and Hari Raya. Most of the people will not choose to operate their mouth during fasting and festive seasons. Therefore when there are less surgeries on hand, the next thing to do is clinic visit or to arrange appointment with doctors.

Being a newbie I have to admit that there are still a lot of difficulties for me. Manager is advising me to follow my seniors more often, no matter what they are doing. Either case discussion or even delivering stuffs to the dental lab, etc. Of course being a freshman I am eager to learn as much as I can and hope that I can get use to my working environment as soon as possible. But sometimes human is just human.

There are times when my seniors refused to bring me out. They said they are not doing something important. Sometimes the excuse could be as lame as this: "I don't want you to wake up so early, that's why I didn't tell you about the morning appointment lor". As if if he didn't call me, I don't have to go back to the office in the morning.

Somehow I see the other side of human nature. Being in the same line doing the same thing, we are competitors even if we work under the same company, covering different areas. Because when working, performance is the one that matters. Regardless of your academic background, employers assess you based on how you perform and your capability to contribute to the company. That is one of the reasons why most of the time they don't want me to follow when they have appointment for case discussion. Because the soft skill of how to deal with doctors is much more important than the technical skills. Human are self-protecting beings. I understand.

But, I am not giving up. Not now. Dad was asking if I am learning something from this job. Else may as well don't waste time anymore. Maybe it would be better to look for another job. I know he is worrying about me. Like I have to travel alot and stuffs like that. But to me now, I am at the steepest point of the learning curve. This is the time to learn, to explore and even to get hurt or to get sacked. Because it is through experiences that I can become better and smarter. Learning is a gradual process, it takes a lifetime. Therefore at this point, I am still motivated and wish to learn as much as I can.

A quote from my friend Sharon,

"To accomplish great things, we must not only act, but also dream; not only plan, but also believe".

P/S: I miss him... =P

Blue~

Refreshed. After 10 hours of sleep, finally I don't look like someone who didn't sleep for days. Yesterday makeup was horrible (thanks to the makeup artist from the studio), I look more like a panda than anything. A thin version one anyways. @@. But then what welcomed me in the afternoon was blue mood. Blue Blue Blue.

Trying hard not to think of many things. Those unnecessary things. But sometimes just couldn't help it. Brain is functioning on its own, it refuses my control. Probably I just don't have the confidence, perhaps I am just a coward chicken. I am scared. I afraid that I may not be good enough for him. I worried. I think too much...

But then, I know I will not quit, as long as I still have him in my heart. Love is a strong word and it energizes me. No point thinking too much then. Just be the best for him and for myself.

P/S: Trying to gain weight. @@

On the Road~

Had a pleasant conversation with my friend. He said,

"Everyone will be passing through their first job. Am I up for this? Am I fated for this? Do I like this? Is this what I want? What am I learning? Will this help in my next job? All this questions will be appearing, no matter where you go. You just have to be strong and get through it. No matter how much you doubt yourself, no matter how much you think to quit, to find a new job, to rest or whatever, till that day you're getting paid by your company, please contribute and make yourself worth the pay you're getting" (Vearn, 2009).

Something very true and worth thinking twice. If a person can become a surgeon, why I cannot become a professional dental technician and sales person? Everything in this universe is built from the smallest element, and slowly they expand from there. The formation of earth for example, took billions of years before it is inhabitable. The construction of the tallest building for instance, starts from laying a strong foundation first. No matter where we go, we always start from the ground before we can make our way to the top.

*Traffic jam*

Like the traffic jam today. There was an accident on the road that I used to travel home. This led to a major chaos to the traffic flow. Almost stagnant. From the opposite direction, I saw drivers wearing the same old expression as me, bored, tired and worn out. Some were merely expressionless and numb.

*Stuck in the jam; Bored, tired and worn out*

Although I took 2 hours to reach home, but I was just about time to witness the sunset, which was beautiful. If I wasn't stuck in the jam for so long, perhaps I wouldn't be able to see such beautiful scene. It is just life. No point complaining, just be tough and go through it. You will be a betterman eventually.

*Sunset; taken from Bandar Country Homes =P*

So for now, it is okay if I do not have that much of working experience, it is okay to make mistake, as long as I don't repeat it next time. It is okay to ask stupid questions sometimes, rather than keeping everything to ourselves. It is even okay to be nervous. Life is as such. We have to fall before we can learn how to stand up again and be stronger. Just keep the attitude right and learn as much as we can. Be confident, be passionate and be more attentive.

Life is still great after all huh... ^^ Gambateh!!!