2010~

Time flies, two more days and there goes 2010.

Reflection has not been done, as I am too lazy to do so. But I would say 2010 is a year full of blessing and a year of challenges, sweat, blood and tears. Just to list a few:

1) I had a few *minor* car accidents, causing my dad to spend a bomb in fixing my car.
2) I had a few minor/ major breakdown as I couldn't handle my emotion well.
3) I had a lot of blur moments as this is my first official year of work.
4) I had a few strands of white hairs as I am getting older.
5) I have my first long term relationship (more than a year).
6) I have finally upgraded to a professional shopaholic.
7) I had more than 250 cups of coffee.
8) I had more than a dozen of beer.
9) I had spent a lot of time procrastinating.
10) I have finally cut my hair short and dyed.

Regardless, I have to thank God for all the blessing, for keeping all of us safe, happy and healthy. 2011 will be another year of challenge, sweat, blood and tears. I can almost guarantee that. But hopefully it will be another fruitful year.

Wishing all of you Happy 2011.

Cancer~

Cancer is a terrible disease.

I've seen many people, either they are my friends' relatives, or some random patients I met in the hospital, cancer is indeed a very horrifying disease. It doesn't kill you immediately, but letting you dying in a slow process, which you know that there is practically no cure when you are detected at late stage.

Mom's medical report was out. Doctor said that she has a cyst at her right kidney, 55mm. Another cyst at her right ovary, 35mm. Left ovary was undetected (as in cannot detect the organ), which I don't understand why.

Doctor said for the time being the cysts are harmless. Round, well-defined and are relatively small size. But she needs to do check-up regularly to monitor her cysts. I am worried. Being in the oncology field for only a year but the knowledge regarding to this disease and the experiences I have with the cancer patients, I become more paranoid than ever.

Cancer cells are changing every minute, now they are benign but we don't know when they will cross the *barrier* and become cancerous. I told my mom to monitor her check-up closely, at least every 3 months she has to do her check-up, just to be safe.

As for me, I recently took pills that will fluctuate my hormone level like roller coaster. Already I feel the tenderness of my breast and the slight pinching pain of my left breast. I know taking the pills is unavoidable, but this is the last time, I don't wanna take it again. Bear in mind hormones play an important role in driving cancer.

If you said I am a super paranoid I will not deny. I am so scared of dying. Thats what my heart is telling me now.

Hate~

I hate her.

Although I have forgiven, but I can't forget what happened.
When is this gonna stop?

Thanks~

Once a doctor shared with me about his experiences of God.

He said he never personally believe in the existence of God, but somehow he sees how his patients changed in terms of believes when they were diagnosed with cancer. People who do not believe in God, now turn to be a faithful believer. People who believed in God, turn to point their fingers to God and question the unfairness. All sorta people, but all we talk about is God.

Do I believe in God? Yes I do. Honestly I did see how people change when they started believe in God. God to me is not someone with supernatural power who can give us whatever we wish for. But he/ she gives us the energy, the strength and the courage to look for what we want. A wise person once told me this, God creates problems, but at the same time provide solutions. It is through this seeking and problem solving processes that we are able to grow, become stronger and better.

I do, believe in God. For today what I have achieved, besides the people around me who really help me a lot, I would like to send my gratitude to God, thanks for all the blessing. And with this, I will work harder towards my goal. Thank YOU.

Hook or Crook~

9 more days to go,

300k more to do.

By hook or by crook,

Just got to make it happen.



*Go baby go!*

My sister~

Surprise once again.

Didn't know my sis has a blog, until this very moment.
Briefly went through her blog, and I saw maturity.
Once I thought she is just a small kid,
But didn't know she has matured and grown up.
I have been too caught up with myself.
Trapped in my own world,
Until I forgot to care for the people around me.

In one of her posts she mentioned about mom,
I don't even know that she has been through some hard times.
Ignorant? Maybe I am too obsessed with myself.
Enlarge my own problems and I don't see others.

Sad. I feel useless.
My sis has grown up.
Somehow when I read her blog, I feel that she is more mature than me.
Who said maturity is proportional to age?

What happen to me?
Sobs.

Surprise!

Change is the constant of life.
Uncertainty is the foundation.
Stability does not mean absolute,
It only means higher predictability.

Time to get rid of credit cards,
Apply a debit card instead.
Spend money that we have,
Not the future money.

Because future is unpredictable.
Because life is full of surprises,
And shock!

Deal with it.
Bear with it.

Self-hatred~

I hate to say this, but I think I have to.

I hate myself, for many things.

\(' o ')/

Recently I don't leave the house without my calculator, I mean if I go to work.

The reason is because year end is so close, almost every single minute while I am free, my mind is calculating. How much more? Why so slow? How to get more patients? Can or not? etc etc... Looking at the figures now, I can only keep my fingers crossed.

Trying to keep all the positive strength I have. Came across this quote recently, which I found it quite inspiring.

"Do the best, prepare for the worst"

Yo! Aza-Aza! \(' o ')/

何谓快乐？

曾经有人对我说，人生是一场又一场的选择游戏。想要达到梦想，我们必须为梦想而努力。努力，何尝不是一种选择呢？

近来的我很不快乐，在工作上遇到了一些难题，感觉很沮丧。我觉得工作不顺利，一直在想到底我适合这种工作吗？是不是应该另谋一片天地？还是问题原之于我？

因为这些事情而想太多，近来的我好像得了忧郁症。突然间我会哭起来；突然间我会想要逃避一切；突然间我会变得很悲观；突然间我会变得没有信心；突然间我好像老了许多，白头发也长出来了。

觉得自己不可以再这样继续下去，终于狠下心去阅读一本我买了相当久的书，想要去了解到底快乐是什么东西？书还没有读完，但是它忆起了我深深埋藏在心里的记忆。我知道快乐是什么，我知道如何使自己快乐，只是忙碌的工作，繁华的诱惑使我忘了最基本的人生之道。

人生是一场选择游戏，快乐也是一种选择。放眼看看我们的世界，有多少人是一辈子顺顺利利的？不顺心的事十之八九，难道每天都要活在痛苦里面吗？从挫折中寻找希望，从悲伤中寻找快乐。要快乐与否，全掌握在我们的心中。

所以说，快乐原之于心。

12.11.2010~

Today,

I wear a new pair of shoes. The shoes itself is nice but the wearing part is torturing. I got blisters and skin peel off.

I had a drug talk today in one of the hospitals that I cover. Coincidentally I met a man with his sick wife. His wife had used my drug before but didn't seem to respond. So happened that the man saw us having a talk, and he said:

Man: "You still doing this drug?"
Me: "Ya" (smiling)
Man: "I heard a lot of bad news about this drug, esp in lung cancer. The net is saying a lot of bad things about this drug and yet it is so expensive" (hatred expression)
Me: "Hows your wife doing?" (didn't really answer to his last statement)
Man: "Oh no, she is not doing very well" (eyes watery)

Out of the sudden I got a feeling of depression and sadness, especially when I look into his eyes. I don't know how to continue the conversation and don't know what else I can say. I just excuse myself and walked off.

His sorrow expression was imprinted in my heart. His pain of going to lose his dying wife is so immense and infectious. Before I left I had a glimpse of his wife. She looks like my grandfather during his dying age. At that moment I got a feeling to cry out loud.

This afternoon I received a bad news which I pray hard not to receive. But in the end it still makes it way to me. The first moment I saw the message, my heart sank, my tears rolling and yet I have to wear a smiling mask when I see my clients.

Today is a bad day. I spent my evening crying. My heart is still aching, but I have to find my way out eventually, all by myself perhaps.

1st Year~

Welcome 9th November 2010.

This day marks my one year anniversary in Roche. Time flies. Nothing much to shout about. Throughout the year I have seen a lot, heard a lot and experienced a lot. But these are just the tip of the ice berg. A lot more to learn and a lot more to go some more. Personally needed more money to survive. *Laugh Out Laud*

Anyways, just wanna mark this date down. First year with my first permanent job. Congratulation to Stella as well, my colleague who came in together with me. All the best to both of us. =D

Outdated?

People said I am outdated.

Just because I don't keep myself so hooked up with Facebook 24/7, and just because I don't stalk your page all the time, I was said to be outdated and living in my own world. Haha~ I can only laugh when I saw those kinda comment. No doubt I may be full of myself but I still look around and read the newspapers.

Haha~ Whatever.

Eat, Pray, Love~

I still remember the science.

When we are cold, our hairs stand to trap air, because air is warmer than our body so they can protect us from getting hypothermic (too cold).

That's how our body responses when we are too cold. What about our heart? When our heart shivers, is there any ways to prevent it from getting too cold? I saw forest burning the other day while on the way back. Dark, thick smoke was gushing out, traveling very rapidly along with the wind. People didn't seem to bother. "Who cares what happen, I am busy enough dealing with my own life." Human nature.

I saw terrible accidents happened along the highway. Reminded me of the bus tragic a few weeks back. Looking at the injured victim lying on the road waiting for the ambulance, my heart shivers. I saw on Discovery channel about young kids under starvation. No clean water, no food and their retarded growth, my heart shivers.

I saw documentary about plane crash, about disappearing ships and human trafficking; I read about how people struggle to survive when they were diagnosed with cancer; I read through some magazines describing how a Iranian lady reconstructed her face due to injury from massive suicidal bombing, and the list goes on.

I live in a gigantic world. My life and encounters are merely a blink among trillions of human on this Earth. My heart shivers when I read about others. If there is a chance, I wanna be like Elizabeth Gilbert, travel around the world to find peace, to widen my vision, and to cleanse my soul.

*Worth reading*

Currently~

Today I have a lot of things in my mind.

I lost my car ticket while I was on the way out from the hospital. Absent-minded, not because there was nothing in my head, but I guess many of them are unorganized and I have no intention to get them organized.

Besides, I was irritated by the lost car radio antenna. I don't know which freak has stolen it actually and don't know when did it happen. But I got frustrated when I cannot tune to my favorite radio while I was driving.

Then I practically wasted the whole night online reading articles and catching up with some news. Saw a few clips on Youtube about Selina's (the lovely lady from S.H.E) burn injury. I was shocked and concerned but was at the same time touched to see how her friends and loved ones support her while she is not well. Hope she will recover well.

I don't know how to explain my life now. The current stage of my life. Full of rubbish and concerns and worries and pressure. I am looking forward for 22nd December 2010. But before that, tonnes of work have to be done. Argh!

P/S: Please bear with my broken English.

P for procrastination~

Found out one thing about myself today.

I talk more than I listen.
I talk more than I observe.
I follow my heart more than my brain.
I follow gut feelings more than analysis.

In the end, people don't really get what I want, and I don't really know why I talk so much and talk so fast.

P/S: I need the strength to stay optimistic. Current procrastinating...

Bleak~

Finally ESMO was over.

With much anticipation and hope, I am waiting for good news released from this medical oncology event. But before I heard about any good news, bad news comes first.

There was a data presented during the event, which could possibly shatter the confidence of the doctors in using my drug. What most funny is that the presentation was putting a question mark on one of our most established indications, which I couldn't help myself but to LOL. How worst a situation can be?

Of course, just based on one email I cannot determine how large and how severe is the damage. But with some other problems that we are facing now, I guess it is safe to say that my product is gonna face a challenging future.

Looking at the current situation, I don't know how much I can do, and how much I can help. But in the field that I am working, I believe besides rapport and sponsorship and other related help and services, the most important sales-factor is still our product data.

Honestly speaking, I don't know what is going to happen next, but I wish I am positive and strong enough to stay on. Gambateh!

Stressful life~

So freaking stress!

I don't wanna work can? Sobs I hate myself for being over stressing myself, but I just can't help it! Argh! How? I really don't know what to do. I hate to see the figures! I don't know what else I can do to push more and more and more. People said we should work smart not work hard but I have tried to try both but still I am far behind. How lar?

P/S: Stress level freaking high.

DIY Miracle~

Often time I think and think and think. Analyze analyze and analyze.

I like to spend time in the toilet while showering. I feel the calmness when the steaming hot water pour onto my body. I feel relax and my mind starts to think better. I reflect the activities of my day, what have I done, what have I said, and reflect how people react to my words as well as to my actions.

Sometimes I am able to find the link between one person to another, sometimes I get to understand the person more under the hot water. I feel that my mind is clearer under the hot water. I think, and think and think. I analyze, and analyze and analyze.

I feel that I am a director, sitting on one side of the scene, rolling the camera while watching the actors come into life. I see them play, and I see myself a few hours ago playing as one of the actors. I see my customers and how they react to my play. I see our interactions and our conversations and I realize that there are still a huge room for improvement.

It hasn't been easy to be a sales person. Talent is one thing, but effort is a big thing that leads to its success. Looking at myself now, I know that I am still not good enough. But I want to prove it to myself that I can do better than I think I can.

I don't need a solution, I need a miracle. And I have to create one.

The sense of Gratitude~

Life...

At this point of time, is not perfect, but is good enough.

Thank God for all the blessings, and thank you everyone who make it together with me. Thanks to my family, my parents, my beloved one, my colleagues and friends. There are still a lot of stress, undone work, unfulfilled dreams ahead, but at this point of time I am contented and happy.

P/S: Maybe because of that, someone said I have gained weight. =P

Love~

Was browsing through my friend's photo album in Facebook. He went to Paris and London with his girlfriend. Some of the pictures were nicely taken and among them, one of them really touched my heart.

It is simple, but it shows the love among the two of them, which makes me feel that our world is still a place with love.
(If you see this please don't get mad for taking your pic without permission. Hehe)

Actually in life, regardless of how far you fly, how much you have earned, the ultimate person that you wanted to spend your life with, is your family and your loved ones. Many of us living in today's society, we are too busy going forward. We tend to forget people around us, those that care, and those that love us more than we do.

Sometimes it is good to slow down and look back. Maybe the happiness that we are looking for all these while, is just right behind of us, waving at us. Life, is actually simple if you want it to be and I am happy that at this stage of my life, I have someone to depend on when I am in trouble. Appreciate that. =)

Its HOLIDAY!

Finally, its HOLIDAY!

I know it is weird to say that now, since I am working already. But the feeling is just great! The anticipation for a long weekend after such a long long time. =D

Work has been more or less the same. But there are still a lot more to do, to learn and to improve. Besides, there are some abrupt changes in the company, which created a lot of speculations. To me I know there is nothing much that I can do, nothing much to worry about. If I am in the list, then fine. I will pack and go. After all I have tried my best.

But regardless, lets not talk about work anymore, as this post should be a happy one. Finally! There is a short holiday waiting for me! Holiday doesn't mean that I have to spend all my days in vacation. It can also mean that I just spend more time resting my brain and my body. Thinking of it alone makes me happy. Hehe~ It has been a long long time.

Nonetheless, wish all my Muslim friends a Happy Hari Raya and Aidilfitri, and all non-Muslim friends a Happy holiday! Lets ENJOY! =D

Single~

Single. Singular. Singularity.

Sometimes I wish to be single again. At least I can have a better control of my tears. At least I don't have to think for somebody else. At least I can live for myself.

Sometimes I wish to be single again. At least if I am stuck in this place, I can just buy a air ticket and go bag pack. At least I can be more irresponsible. At least I can be more happy. Maybe.

Sometimes I wish to be single again.

Not giving up~

*Not giving up yet*

Today's assessment was like a knife stabbed onto my egoistic heart, excruciatingly painful.

What my boss said is very true. I came in as a mirror rep, I have the tendency to live under the shadow of another person. I am fear of facing difficulties, I am comfortable with my comfort zone. I let the other person do the big thing, while I relax and chicken behind thinking that I can sail through smoothly.

I think I am a balloon. Continuously pumping myself with air without knowing that one day it may burst. The first impression is always impressive, because I have a shiny appearance that can hide the inner me. I acted as if I can, and I am capable to, but I know sometimes I can't.

Of course, how long can a balloon last if we keep feeding it with gas? It will burst one day, when the elasticity has reached its max. Thats me now. Left alone to handle a bigger port folio, suddenly I feel that I am helpless. I have almost nothing to prove to my boss that I can handle it as good as my predecessor. I have no confidence that I can do better than her.

Sigh~ There are a lot of times where I wanted to quit, telling myself that maybe I am not a sales material. But the other side of my heart is still fighting, they don't see the point of giving up so easily. I am easily panicked nowadays when I have to see important customers. The confidence level is low, or maybe more precisely my self-esteem is low. I am afraid that I am not tactful enough to say things in the correct way, which has been proven many times with all the troubles I have with my customers.

The remnants of my confidence, they are seemingly disappearing with time. But I know, I have a warrior in me. I will not give up. No! and Never! I know the situation is changing fast, so fast that I don't even have enough time to learn before the next Tsunami strikes. It is okay. I adapt to changes. I alter my approach. I learn, and I will prove to you, you and YOU as well as myself that I can.

I am not giving up. Not giving up. Not giving the bloody hell up!

朋友~

这些年一个人
风也过雨也走
有过泪有过错
还记得坚持甚麽

真爱过才会懂
会寂寞会回首
终有梦终有你在心中

朋友一生一起走
那些日子不再有
一句话一辈子
一生情一杯酒
朋友不曾孤单过
一声朋友你会懂
还有伤还有痛
还要走还有我

While I was on my way back today, I was listening to one of the old CDs that I got from my father. This is an old song, I believe many of us are quite familiar with. I sang along with the singer, and my mind was thinking of my partner.

Thinking of the changes that are coming so soon, my tears were dropping again. I will definitely miss her. The days where we hang around together, the hard days where we let our mind went crazy with figures and adrenaline. We were once comrade, but we will be friend for a very long time.

I will miss you. Wish you all the best.

Change~

Change is the only constant in life.

I guess this is very much the fact of life. From the first day I joined Roche until now, it is only barely a year. Maybe about 10 months or less, so many people have left, and so many people at the same time joined the company.

I joined Roche as a mirror rep, meaning that I am the mirror for another person for the same product and at the same areas. The purpose is to increase coverage and penetrate the market more in depth, since the product that I cover is the company's block buster.

The first time when I met my partner, I sorta chicken out in a way because she looked cool and cold. She is like one of those hard-to-approach type as she didn't talk much the first time we met. Also she was a bit reserved and only chose certain things to talk about.

I thought I was disliked. Maybe because I am not so interesting or maybe because we weren't just at the same channels. But as time goes by, we have become close partner. At least now we can bitch about something/ someone else, at least now we can talk about personal stuffs, at least if she goes today, I will definitely miss her.

Indeed, she is gonna be promoted really soon. Maybe at the end of this month, as a product manager. I am happy for her, seriously I am. From the start I already think that she is the manager material. It is just the matter of time. But I will miss her, seriously I will, in fact I am already.

When we were having dinner together just now. I was casually saying that this Friday may be her last day on field already as a rep. The feeling was a bit sad thou, as in there will be less chances where we can go yam cha in the afternoon, or morning before we start work.

Change is the only constant in life. When I just about to get comfortable with her, and she is now promoted. And I have to adapt to changes again. Boss said they will hire another new person to take over her place, and he jokingly said that I am now a senior already.

It is just barely a year, and there is so much more to learn and yet I have to bear the responsibility as a senior already. Although I dislike my big boss for being judgemental, but I really hope that I can hit my target.

Anyways, wish her all the best. I am really glad for her. =)

P/S: I remember a few months back I went outstation with another colleague of mine, which was also the last field work as a rep before his promotion. This feeling is back again, but it is much stronger now. All the best babe.

5 symptoms~

Five symptoms that a guy is leaving you

1. He replies your message late. Sometimes didn't pick up your call.

2. He always find excuses to avoid seeing you.

3. Even when he sees you, he is always busy with his own stuffs. Not paying attention to you.

4. He doesn't care much about your stuffs and life anymore. He talks more about other people.

5. He wants more personal space.

It is just ironic sometimes. When he loves you, he tells the world's sweetest story. How much he loves you, how much he is willing to sacrifice anything for you. But when love comes to an end, these are the things some guys are doing (I am not saying all).

I mean, no one can guarantee that every relationship works. In fact we wouldn't know until the very end of our life. But, if you know that this relationship is not going towards the direction that you want, then just be frank to your partner. Avoidance is always the worst thing to do.

P/S: I am just spamming my blog.

W508~

Dear E72,

I am really sorry. Your survival rate has drastically reduced to 3 months under my care. And without much mourning, I have now embraced another phone, and it is your competitor. I am really sorry to say that. But I still love you, k? I really do. Sobs.

New phone on board, W508!
Due to previous bad experiences, I think for the time being I will just go for a normal phone instead of those hi-tech and expensive phone. I do not want them to all end up having the same faith as my E72. So before I actually learn how to protect my phone well, and make sure that they survive long enough, I will stick to this phone.

*W508*

Basic function. Cool design. Handy and slim. Thats more than enough for me already. =D

Blank~

*Blank*

Think is time to empty my mind.
Too much of rubbish.
Clogged.

Nothing in my mind.
Nothing to write.
Thats why I spam my blog.
Who cares.

Flee~

*Flee*

How I wish that,
I will be like her one day.

Freedom.
Stress-free.
Total flexibility.

When life is too stiff,
When there are too many rules to follow,
When pressure has marked its maximum threshold,

Just GO!
FLY!
SCREW EVERYONE & EVERYTHING!

Broke~

*BROKE*

I promised myself to save,
But everytime I am short of cash.

I feel that I am kiam siap enough,
But always I over spend.

Withdrew money again just now,
Balance is pathetic.

How?
I want to save money!

P/S: I wanna be a millionaire, so freaking bad...

Ouch!

*SLAP!*

Today I got a big fat slap, again...
Pain, excruciatingly pain.

Thought of giving up,
Not that I can't live without.

But my mind is too stubborn,
I don't wanna become a chicken.

I will find a way,
A solution.

Gotto prove everyone wrong,
Gotto prove to myself that I can.

Its time to hold responsibility,
Its time to face consequences.

The growth hormone~

Today I went to the saloon to cut my hair. Felt so much better after the hair cut, as in my head is much lighter now, although the style is ugly.

This woman who cuts my hair has a small body frame with a short spiky hair with a flaring red dye. She looks young for a mid 40 lady, and trendy. But maybe her daughter has inherited her husband's genes or due to growing environment, her daughter is rather big size.

We chatted quite a bit when she was cutting my hair. I asked her some stupid questions on hair treatment and how to take care of our hair, which most of the times I don't register what she said. Just wanted to keep the conversation going. After awhile somehow we have diverted our conversation to growing hormone.

She said that people nowadays age faster, die faster. At the age of 30s to 40s, some of her customers have got cancer. She said look at her so small size, but her daughter is so big size. Indirectly saying that her daughter has been taking too much of meat. More precisely, meat injected with over-dose of growth hormone.

Somehow I look at myself. Hey I eat a lot of meat too, but my boobs still small, my body frame still small. Although no doubt the fats are accumulating at my thigh, but I don't think they are due to over dosed of growth hormone. Haha~

Well, what she said can be true thou.

Sucky day~

Today was a sucky day.

Sometimes I don't know if this is the worst day of my life, because I don't know what is going to happen tomorrow. Let just say that today is one of those days where I feel like retreating myself to one corner and stay away from everyone I know. It is one of those days that I will wanna spend the time on my own, and heal my own wound.

Maybe I am too emotionally attached. Sometimes my heart throbs crazily while waiting to see a difficult doctor, or a doctor who I have not been seeing for ages. The feeling is as if I am meeting my long lost beloved person. It makes me nervous and anxious. Mentally I rehearsed my speech many times to find any possible mistakes, to perfect my lines of speech if possible. It is just anxious.

But sometimes even when I have done everything I can, things just don't go my way. People do not know about your situation, and even if they know, not everyone of them care to be bothered. It is fine actually, just that the overwhelming sense of disappointment is strong. So strong that sometimes I feel that there is a lump of tears stuck in my throat, trying to escape. Or maybe, I am trying too hard. Or maybe, this is just one of these days. Or maybe, I did not try hard enough.

Sometimes where there are too many question marks, they tend to drown me into the sea of questions. Like a tsunami coming so unexpectedly and yet lethal. Most of the time I am struggling from the waves of questions, to make sure that I am not drown yet. Not now, it is still too soon to give up. Just that the feelings of helplessness can be so strong sometimes, I feel like I am all alone, no one can actually provide me with solutions. No one is actually wise enough to show me the right way and right thing to do. Many said no one can help us in the end of the day, we have to depend on ourselves. It is a self-determination process. But I am just stuck in the middle of nowhere. I am lost. I need help. I really do.

Just when I thought the worst is over. Dad came back with a bad news. My E72 is now in the ICU, waiting for major operation. The phone's condition is severe, major short circuit due to water penetration. It is all because of me. I should hold full responsibility if in the end of the day, the phone cannot be saved. I am fine with it as well. I know it is my fault. Just that the feeling of losing it slumbered me. So many things, so many bad things, and I have to bear most of the responsibilities. Tiring.

Sometimes I wonder, for people like me who take things for granted, can I be a responsible wife and mother next time? Life is tough, sometimes it really does.

P/S: Life is tough, but I am not giving up yet.

The sense of danger~

The sense of danger.

Comparing a normal human with a hungry leopard, which one do you think is more dangerous? The first answer that comes to mind will be leopard, at least for most of the people. Ya it is true, the leopard is a hunter in nature. With its strength and sharp teeth, we will be no doubt torn into pieces if we happen to be its prey.

But I think human is much more dangerous. We claimed to be the smartest. Because we have a big brain, which claimed to be more developed and more complex. But sometimes I think it is safer to be with animals. At least their actions are predictable. Leopards are hungry, thats why they hunt. The cause and effect relation. But sometimes it does not apply to human.

But human is good at hiding their emotions. We can fake, manipulate, cheat and lie. We can produce an image that we want others to perceive us as. There is about 97% of our brain which is not developed. We do not know what is hiding inside that huge part of our brain that is waiting for a chance to manifest and control us.

Human is dangerous. Much more dangerous. Beware.

P/S: I should be a neuro-psychiatrist.

My E72~

I didn't know if I got a thing with toilet bowl.

Years ago when I was in National Service camp, I accidentally dropped my hand phone onto a squat type toilet bowl. But that time was forgivable because the public toilet was dark. I needed to use the phone as a torch light so that I could see and not knock on something and fell straight to the floor.

This time around. I dropped my hand phone to the toilet bowl again. What makes a difference is that it was with a bowl of shyt, and also because I just wanted to play around with the phone in the toilet while shitting and accidentally slipped and dropped into the toilet bowl.

What happened next was fast. Without my mind started to process what to do, my reflex reaction already ordered my hand to pick up the phone from the toilet bowl, immediately turned my back and washed with running water from the tap. The entire process took less than a minute. But it was enough to permanently leave scar to my phone.

I spent hours trying to blow dry the phone. Dissemble all the parts and blow with full blast of hot air. But it didn't seem to work. I tried to use the phone after about an hour, but it didn't seem to function. In the end I had no choice but to tell my dad. He was mad and upset, as anticipated. Saying that I didn't bother to take care of things which I didn't have to pay for. Taking things for granted. I was speechless actually, couldn't find a word/ phrase to defend myself because what he said was what I am doing. I got a backup phone from him eventually, seeing all the hidden 18++ messages between my sister with an anonymous guy/ girl/ tomboy or whosoever.

The next morning my *drowned* phone was unexpectedly working well. Throughout the whole morning I was fiercely texting my boyfriend, my boss and my colleagues. Things just seem to get back on track, the phone seems to work again. But in the afternoon it started showing signs like "sim card lost" and automatically turned my phone into offline mode.

Immediately I know that I have to send for repair for sure already. The phone is only 3 months old, but with my torture it looks like a 3 years old gadget. As if it has been slashed, dumped, pressed, kicked, thrown and whatever abusive actions that you can think of.

In the end of the day, it is all about responsibility. I didn't appreciate the things that I have. I never bother to take good care of it. Always taking things for advantage. Shame of myself. Really really shame of myself.

The Trust Issue~

Can guys can still be trusted?

While I was waiting for doctor just now, I grabbed a magazine on the rack and started flipping through. Saw a Q&A article in the relationship section and that really got me thinking again.

Skip the long winded story. The thing that I focus on is, there is this guy who told the other girl (A) that he misses her a lot and at the same time holding the hand of his girlfriend (B). A is doubtful of what he said. She reminded him of his girlfriend. He said this is just spices of life. We can once a while be a little naughty without telling our other half.

A hesitated. She wonders if this is the right thing to do. That is why she wrote to the magazine and asked for advice. Even though I am not an expert in love, but from the story I already know that the guy is merely a piece of shyt. Selfish. Irresponsible. And yet he claims that he loves B and at the same time misses A.

We always claimed to be the smartest animals on this planet. But at the same time we are the most down graded beings. We cheat. We lie. We hurt others to seek temporary happiness.

The lesson of the day:
Get away from irresponsible guys/ girls.

People come and go~

I remember having this kinda feeling some times back. Final semester was going to end and I was just about to get close with a bunch of friends. The friendship bond had just been made, and it was time to say goodbye again. The feeling is like two balls rolling at the different directions and finally there is a point where they cross the line and interact with each other. But the balls did not stop rolling. The interaction is just a transient process, the balls continue to roll towards different directions again.

Today I experienced this kinda feeling again. A colleague of mine has decided to resign and join another company. The first feeling I got after hearing the news was unbelievable. I thought she was joking. I really thought she was joking. However the news struck me as true, and she is really going to leave the company soon.

Of course I am happy for her as she found a job offering better stability and revenues. But the feeling of her leaving the company kinda sadden me. Seeing her in my eyes I recalled the time we spent together. Although we don't work together often but there are times where we shared our laughter, concern and many more.

People come and go. It is this time where I thought I started to get close with her, and she has decided to leave. Thinking about this made me emotional. Nobody will stay forever. This is just another fact of life.

Anyways, all the best for her. Hope she found what she wants. =)

Negligence~

I have a story to tell.

There is this little boy who is very cute and smart. Maybe not book smart but he is a street smart boy. From young everyone likes him a lot, and he is his eldest sister's favorite sibling. The day when he was sent home from the hospital after delivery, his eldest sister gingerly touched his subtle forehead, the feeling of love is so strong. The connection between the siblings is strong. But, things change.

As they both grow up, the focus has changed. The sister has many other things to focus, and the little brother has seem to be a confirmed existence. As if he will always be there. He will not change. Negligence. Ignorance. Naive.

But when the little boy grows up, he faces different environments. He isn't happy with schooling, doesn't understand the subjects, fails several important units, sleep in the class. From bad to worst. He does everything without telling his parents, not even his sisters. Maybe to him, his family does not care anymore.

Parents are busy building a new house, thinking of other people's problems, socializing. Sister is too engross with her own problems, career, relationship, friendship, etc. Seems like family has not been in her equation for a long period of time. Negligence. Ignorance.

He may feel that nobody is there to help him, he turns his attention to his friends. The influence of peers, or some other things, they are all better than his family. Eventually the bubble bursts and the ugly side reveals. And the reality shocks everyone of them, including his eldest sister.

He failed his subjects terribly, he hide his sister's mp3 and lied that he did not. When confronted, he said this is a revenge. When accused, he pointed his finger to his mother and said please do not disturb, you are a disturbance. He shouted to his mother, asking her to shut up. His eldest sister is there too during the confrontation. She shouted as well, couldn't believe what her beloved little brother has done, partly also to cover her shock. What has happened? Why he change so much? Negligence. Because all the while they don't care, and now they don't know how they can care anymore.

The scenario is heart breaking. Painfully heart breaking. The eldest sister started crying during the confrontation, trying to save her little brother from fire. But he has been in the fire for so long and nobody cares. How can she save her by just scolding and tell him what is the right thing to do? And how she knows this is the right thing to do anyways?

The moral of the story:
Our eyes are narrow-sighted most of the time. We only see and magnify our problems, engross into them and spend most of the time self-pitying and blaming others for the unfairness. Negligence. Denial. Ignorance. We have eventually forgotten our closest family, forgot about other things. Negligence. When the truth reveals, it will just take you by surprise.

When you still can, please do not ignore your family members. Take responsibility as part of the family member.

Déjà vu~

Is defined as:

The experience of feeling sure that one has witnessed or experienced a new situation previously (an individual feels as though an event has already happened or has happened in the recent past), although the exact circumstances of the previous encounter are uncertain (Wikipedia, 2010).

To me probably it is not a deja vu anymore. I encounter this all the time. Always while I am anticipating something good to happen, there will be some bad things blocking my way. I am going to Singapore for a short vacation this coming Thursday and thought that I can just make my life easier these few working days before my trip. I have done all the work I needed to do the week before and plan to have a more relaxing week.

But in my heart I know something somehow will pop up in the middle of nowhere, which will mess up with my plans. And ya, my prediction is right again. There is this doctor who wanted to see me tomorrow morning at 8am for a briefing on my product, which I think the ROI is freaking hell low.

ARGHHHHHH~ 200% reluctant to see him tomorrow. If I am not going to Singapore this week, perhaps my working spirit will be higher, I wouldn't mind seeing him early in the morning and have to do all the preps I needed to on the world before I see him. WTH...

Blaming again~

Not trying to find fault, but just wanna voice my heart out.
This is my blog anyways, don't like then just get out of here.


Was in the office few days back. As usual having morning meeting with other colleagues and some bosses. One of them voiced out that another company has been head hunting our people over. He said that company is becoming a "little Roche", like to hunt people from our side. Then some laughed, some snorted, some just couldn't be bothered.

Maybe it is the way he expressed it, I raised my eyebrow looking at him in a way. It is as if that company is such a jerk where they only know how to headhunt people from other companies to work for them. Saying as if the only thing they know how to do is to "fish" people from our side.

Well, it is just another blaming game. I wonder if he actually put on his thinking cap before making such judgment. Why people from our company wanna leave and join other companies? Besides better offer (maybe a little increase of salary), why do they leave if they are truly satisfy with the company? Perhaps we should bear some responsibilities as well.

But don't think many of them actually see this. All they do is just to point their fingers to others. What to do? It is too simple to blame.

P/S: A bit of crap. Whatever.

Dreams~

Long long time ago,
When I was still a nerdy kiddo,
I dreamed of many things.

Sometimes they are so unrealistic, they make me laugh when I think back once a while. But I remember a friend of mine told me this before. We are who we are when we first born. Our characters, our desires, they are all at their purest stage.

But when we are getting older, things start to change with our growing environment. Dad said it is wrong if we don't study hard; Mom said it is bad if we don't get a good job, etc etc. Eventually we do things by taking into account of other factors, by considering others' expectations on how we are suppose to behave. Whether we are success or not is predefined by the society setting. Eventually we no longer dream anymore. How sad.

But I still dream occasionally. I think it is a temporary getaway and sometimes when I think of my dreams, they make me smile again. While I was on my way home from dinner just now, I dream of my future life. Do I need to work in the future? I hate being a employee but it is not easy to start my own business. The best way is that I have a husband who earns a decent salary, which is sufficient to survive and have extra for saving and investment. Then I do not have to work anymore, or I work leisurely. Keke~

I also dream of my future house. I am not a greedy person who likes big giant mansion. To me a compact and unique house will do. I just want a place where I can call home. Spacious, comfortable, peaceful, safe and sweet. Simple interior design, ergonomic furniture, airy with good ventilation, modern and clean.

I dream to have 2 kids in the future. One boy and one girl. The boy is a macho little boy, although younger than his sister, he tends to always be the one who leads and protects his sister if someone coming near her with any bad intention. He is young, energetic and smart. He is our family hero, but sometimes can be a little hyperactive.

I dream of my daughter. She is an obedient little girl but at the same time very independent. She loves cooking and cross stitch, things that he mother is not good at. She is very talented and love musics. In the future she want to be a musician and tour around the world to share good music with all the people that she comes across.

I love shopping actually. But in the future I hope I can offer a place where people can satisfy their shopping desire but at the same time don't have to burn a hole in their pocket. I wish to see their satisfying face after coming to my shop. I want to open a boutique in the future with a specific theme. Working attires for example? They are so expensive in the market and usually the designs are more or less the same. I want to open a boutique where my clothing are well designed, reasonable price and comfortable quality. I dream...

I dream of being a speaker occasionally as well, voluntary basis. There are many people out there who do not know about the importance of nutrition. Kids as young as 2-3 years old they may be so malnourished that they look like a old haggard man/ woman. Incidence as such is avoidable, if they know what is the right thing to eat. I wish I can give some speeches someday to the poor rural area people, in their dialect and really convey the message to their hearts. I wish all human beings will have a better quality of life...

It is so good to just dream sometimes. Although it may sound silly, but I feel good after dreaming. Will they come true one day? I wish... =)

The blaming game~

Somehow I find that blaming is the nature of human being.

It is always easier to blame others rather than to hold responsibility for an incident/ accident. By pointing our finger to others we can get ourselves protected. A way to show others and ourselves that we are not in fault, we aren't the one who need to change. For that, we can continue to laze in our comfort zone.

Today while I was lining up for a fitting room, I saw an aunty dragging a little girl walking very fast passed by me. Probably she is eager to grab the cheap deal she did not realize a small wooden partition jerking out near the fitting room. The small little girl was innocently dragged by her mother (I assumed) and obviously she did not have a chance to avoid the wooden partition as well. As a result, her small little head hit onto the partition and I heard a very loud *bang*.

Although I wasn't hurt at all, but seeing the incident happened in front of me I feel that my heart ached a bit, as if I can feel the excruciating pain as well. Immediately the small girl cried, the mother turned her head and finally realized the small partition. She went to check on the girl's forehead and said it is fine, don't cry.

Then she started saying: "Next time must see properly okay? Don't simply knock onto something. How can you be so careless?". When I heard that conversation I was actually looking at that woman in surprise. I mean, how can you blame the small kid while it was you who dragged her so quickly and didn't notice the wooden partition? The girl was so young and all she can do is just to follow someone she can trust. In fact she wasn't given a choice since she was dragged most of the time.

I can only sigh when I look at the small girl. Once again this showed that blaming is part of our nature. When bad things happen, it is almost a spontaneous reaction to blame others. Have a look at our world histories, blaming was part of the war, part of conflicts, part of misunderstanding. But seems like not many people actually learn the lesson from our past.

P/S: Something that I recalled learning from my self-improvement course. When things turn bad, don't blame others nor you blame yourself. Just hold responsibility of things that happen.

Home Sweet Home~

It has been almost a week since I last stepped into my house.

Nothing has changed but the feeling of being at home is really good. Long hour of traveling from South to North, staying in a budget hotel with uncomfortable pillow and frayed bed sheet and curtain, eating oily and heaty outside food, working under the hot sun and the list goes on. With all that going home is actually a blessing, the comfort zone where I can take a deep breath, let my shoulder melts down, relax my jaw and ease for a moment. It is a place where I can temporary forget about my to-do list, about pressure and figures.

It is always good to go home. =)

Bleak~

The only word to describe my mood and feeling now, is BLEAK.

It has nothing to do with any movie series or whatsoever entertainment-related stuffs, it is a word as stated by the dictionary. Sorry I think for the rest of the post, it may contain a little vulgarity because I am really not in the mood to make things right and proper.

Things have been bad ever since the second quarter of the year. In sales we have 3 quarters per year and second quarters started on May. Sales is down by few hundred thousands and company is having damn lot of politics and conflicts and conspiracies. I don't care who is gonna read this or in the end I am just talking to air, I just wanna let this all out once and for all.

Pressures are from all directions of my life. They are trying their level best to attack me from any possibility that they can ever find and penetrate. I know the market is bad, I know the team is down, I know every negative things that I need, or actually don't need to know. In fact I think I have known too much and I really don't blardy hell wanna know anymore.

What the heck! Then there is this over-doing and under-doing issues which I really don't know how to strike a balance. It is always easier said than done. Who doesn't know the ideal theory? I can give you one thousand and one theories. Whatever shyt theories you wanna know I can tell you, but when put into real life, how many can maintain ideal? You just tell me how many and try to convince me that I am wrong. What the heck!

Sometimes I am really angry with myself. I am such blind that I didn't see things around me. Talk like a nut, do things like a nut and think like a nut as well. In the end maybe I am just a nut who doesn't know what is the right thing to do. I know in the end of the day maybe I am the main source of all pressures, but I seriously don't know how to cut this blardy source out of my way. I am really becoming nuts!

Then there are bad news from the field, from the office and from almost every person that I came accross. When I look at them flushing into me like flash flood, at first I still tried to struggle and run for my life but in the end I just manage to stand still and let the wave flushes me off. I am getting numb, and don't know how to save myself from all these shyt.

Even some stupid indian fella wanna buli me with his dumbass Camry. And I only dared to shout and curse in the car but have no guts to throw stones to his car. At the peak of my madness I actually tore a piece of paper from my notebook and wrote: "Fcuk off! Such uncivilized human beings!". I wrote furiously but I have no guts to slid the note under his bloody windshield. Because I scared he may damage my car, or whatsoever possible damages. In the end of the day the note I flew it onto my dashboard. My colleague said:"Well, now you wrote a fcuk off note to yourself." In the end of the day, I am just a chicken perhaps.

Then there is this stupid flood in Singapore. A real flood that did not happen for more than 15 years. And just 2 weeks before I go for my Singapore vacation and this stupid flood is there to disturb my plan. Really somehow or rather things are just all going in a crooked way. Somehow they just wanna make my hard life to be harder, forcing me to stay in Ipoh long term I guess, in the Tanjung Rambutan hospital. What the fcuk! What the fcuk! What the fcuk!!!

I thought life is full of miracles and indeed I believe in the existence of miracle. But I don't know if miracle ever happens to me? I need a break. Gimme a BREAK!

Random thoughts of the day~

1. While removing makeup, I saw my worn out face on the mirror. Suddenly I am asking myself, since when makeup has become part of my daily routine?

2. Looking at the daycare chemo board, I saw few patients on my competitor's drug and none on mine. Suddenly I am asking myself, was all my effort going down the drain?

3. Have been raining almost the whole day. Suddenly I am asking myself, is the rainy season coming already?

4. Highway is suppose to be express, with the money that we are paying everyday. But I took one and a half hour to reach home. Highway was clogged with cars. Suddenly I am asking myself, is highway = expressway anymore? Why am I paying so much every month?

5. When I was talking to a doctor today, he was repeating a story he told me before. But my mind has no memory of the story at all. Suddenly I am asking myself, since when I am so numbed with the conversations I had at work?

6. From 8am to 7.30pm today I only had a cup of coffee, a toasted garlic bread and a hotdog bun. Suddenly I am asking myself, am I gonna screw my stomach?

7. Today I miss Sam a lot. He is one of the best managers I ever met. I wonder why he has to go to other company? Suddenly I am asking myself, can he come back and save our product? Please?

8. Have been procrastinating. I miss the old days where I don't have much to worry about. I miss my aunty gang. I miss Leo club. I miss reports. I miss lab session. I miss all of them.

9. I miss him, terribly. *sobs*

Shame of Myself~

Something embarrassing happened today.

I was happily talking about my product to a doctor in a hospital today. Full of passion, as I always do. But then she came to ask me a simple question, the data that I should know inside out by now, the data that should be at my finger tips by now.

When she asked, unfortunately to say my mind was blank. I forgot the data, I don't exactly remember the smaller details. Embarrassed, I told her that I will get back to her as soon as possible. In a way I am lucky because she is still a relatively junior doctor, I am lucky because this did not happen in front of some specialists, and I am lucky because I was not working with any of my bosses.

Sigh~ Not that I didn't read my data, just that I didn't memorize the data inside out. Nowadays I feel that I am super disorganized. Things are all scattered around my table. I don't have a to-do list to keep my progress on track. My selling tools (clinical papers and some promotional materials) are running low since weeks ago, and yet I still havent get my ass up to go get more from the office. Last Ipoh trip I kinda went empty handed, I just did with what left in my car. @@"

This Saturday is my dad birthday and yet my boyfriend remembers better than me. Argh! Need some help.

Are we better off?

Recently I saw a video clip on Facebook which said that women are exposed to more than 500 types of chemicals in a day. From shampoo to facial wash to toner to body lotion and comestic products, every beauty product that we use today contains at least 10 types or more harmful chemicals.

Maybe this isn't new to most us as we are well aware of the role of *chemical* in our daily products. But as we are living in a society that is overwhelmed with chemicals, can we live without them? In fact we are consuming them everyday, even in the water that we drink.

When I was thinking about this, something pops into my mind. How about those women who lived in the ancient world? They did beautify their features as well but they did not heavily depending on chemicals. And yet from most historical records, they are described as beautiful and charming figures. Some of them even changed the destiny of a dinasty, if you know what I am saying.

So, are we better off with so many chemicals applied onto us?

P/S: Just some craps.

Loneliness~

Ever since I started working with Roche, travelling has become part of my job. Besides the usual visiting to hospitals in KL and PJ areas, I have to travel to Ipoh and Taiping once a month, to cover some of the doctors there.

Outstation has always been fun. At least it is "sorta" an escape from pressure and figures. But only sometimes. Nowadays I don't really enjoy anymore, besides the increasing pressure from the doctor, I am actually struck by loneliness.

This isn't the first time I travel alone to Ipoh, but this time the feeling of being lonely was very strong. I met a local rep when I was in Ipoh GH today. He told me that working outstation is actually a boring task. He was once needed to cover Sarawak, and each time he went, he had to be there for 2 weeks. Initially it was fun but when you get used to the environment there, things that were initially interesting has now become boring and normal. Nothing special. And you will start to feel lonely and bored after work.

Kinda true. I started to feel bored travelling alone. When I was wandering around in Jusco just now looking for mineral water and green tea, suddenly I thought of my boyfriend. He always said that regardless of what happens, I can always buzz him. Anytime anything anywhere. He will always be there for me, although he may not be physically able to. Somehow he is very supportive, and always wants to be with me, and will be the first who come for me if something happens.

I smile from the bottom of my heart once again. Perhaps thats the power of love?

P/S: Don't worry for me, I will be fine. Love you.

Old Time Memories~

Yesterday I was telling my boyfriend about my close friends in highschool. There are four of us who always hanged around together. We knew each other for many many years and in class we used to sit in a clump of four. Two of us were librarians and another two were ordinary students. We went to the same tuition centers, we went to the same college and university. We were always the top four in class where a lot of our classmates during that time, thought we were inseparable, so did I.

But things change in time, including friendship. In Chinese we have this idiom called "天下没有不散之筵席", meaning that there is always an end for every gathering. In other words, regardless of how many years, separation among people is very common. Whether it is due to human activities, natural events (born, old, sick and die) or natural disasters.

So I think the same has applied to our friendship. I remember the last time the four of us gathered together was the time where we were anxiously waiting the sms from the government, whether we are selected for National Service or not. I remember some of our classmates were there as well, as if it was the last gathering before all of us parted into different routes in life.

Well, in the end of the long waiting, I would have to say that I was the only ''fortunate'' one that got selected for National Service. Others were "unfortunately" escaped. With that I have to fulfill my responsibility as a "rakyat" and went into camp for 3 months. The three of them then continued their journey by taking pre-university program together at the same college.

Sometimes when you have too much complains and grumbles in your heart, you tend to get explode very easily. This was what happened to the three of them during my 3 months service with the government. Things changed, from sweet to sour, from good to bad, from appreciation to blame. It is always like that, we tend to blame others when things don't do well, cause it is easier that way.

In the end of the day, our gang splitted into 2 and never talk to each other anymore. Some even delete the contacts from handphone and other social networks. Although it has been years now and I am still close with all of them, but the possibility of having the 4 of us to gather together is slim, maybe close to zero.

Sometimes I would spend sometimes alone, to think of what has happened to me over the past few years. What have I done and what have I not. It is a moment of reflection and to readjust my position in life, where do I wanna go, and whether I am working towards that direction. When I think about our long lost friendship, sometimes I can only sigh.

P/S: Happy Friendship to everyone.

Am I, am I not?

I am losing my confidence slowly.

The incidence is so obvious that even I myself, have noticed the change in myself. The lost of confidence when facing someone who I presumed to be more professional and knowledgeable than me. The feeling of myself holding back things that I wanna say but dare not to say because I am afraid of the consequences of saying them all out. Customers may look at me in a different way. Bosses may look at me in a different way.

In the end of the day, I realized that I am trying to push myself to live in others' expectations. To be someone who they think have the quality to succeed. It is so obvious that, I am actually feeling it. I feel that I am changing in their directions, I am losing my own self. I don't know who I am. For your information, the aforementioned are the features of a low self-esteem person. They are people who unable to fill their own cup of fulfillment and satisfaction. They are people who depends on others to define whether they are a success or a failure. They are people who live to please others, so that they feel accepted.

Am I one of them? Sometimes I can be. I am living in a society where people are valuing highly of others' perceptions. How others see you define whether you are a good breed or a bad breed. How your bosses see you define whether you have a chance of promotion or not. How your friends see you define whether you are a good friend or not. How your partner sees you defines whether you are loved, or have the right to love or not. In the end of the day, we are doing things to please others. We loss ourselves, and sometimes, I really feel like one of them.

I hate the feelings when I lost my confidence. I know I can do better than this, but there are always these invisible hands that pull me from behind. Too many considerations: "what if", "how about", "if I don't...", ''but", "I am scared" and etc. In the end of the day, I am working like a dog to preserve my image. The image of fake-confidence, the image that I thought could help me to succeed. But does it? No it does not. In fact the image is like a mask, it masks my potential of being who I am.

I know I am a person with confidence, just that there are times where my confidence are easily shattered, because I have this self-doubt in myself. For a minute I can be confidently telling you that this is the right information, but the next minute when you throw me a doubtful look, I will straightaway chicken out, started to think and consider, am I giving the right information? Am I doing the right thing? Am I giving the right suggestion?

In the end of the day, I am still worrying about others' perception on me. How they view me define my happiness. That's the main feature of low self-esteem. I don't want to be like this. I want to change. I want to live for myself.

I remembered my boss telling me this when he had his 2nd assessment with me. He said:"The first time I worked with you, seriously I was very impressed with your level of confidence. But now, I felt so different. As if you have changed to another person. Is there anything that block your way?" Yes it is. I am afraid of rejection. I am afraid of screwing up things. That is why I took extra caution in doing things, and this at the same time shaken my self confidence. I am no longer who I am, I am someone who I think I should be, to minimize rejection.

Seriously the basic training has given me a lot of insights about myself. Where do I stand right now in my life. What is my strength and weaknesses? My boss has once told me this before, "You will be there (as a manager) one day." Ya, I want to be there one day. I really want to. As said is easier than done, I think its time to set some small and achievable goals. Things that I can do to get closer to my goal in my career. One step at a time.

For the time being,

1) I want to be a responsible sales representative. Not only do my job well, but do more than others. Keep track of things that I need to and make sure that I read enough.

2) I want my customers to trust me. When they want help, they will think of me. When they want to put in order, they will think of me. When they think of my product, they will think of me.

3) I want to be more observant in work. Things change everyday in the working field. I am sometimes too focus-minded that I miss out some minute information that may turn out to be of great information.

For the time being, I want to achieve this 3 goals by the end of this year.

P/S: Intention --> Goals --> Mechanism

Emo Nemo~

Tonight is really an emo night.

Mind was mentally blocked. Everyone is telling me what is the right thing to do. But I am done with inputs, please just leave me alone. I just want a night with a blank mind, am I asking for too much? Sorry I am not gonna care anymore. I am done with overly constraining myself.

Dropby one of my friend's FB wall, he passed away 7 months ago due to a horrible accident. Saw many people still dropping posts on his wall, the feelings are very strong. Can he read in heaven? Or wherever place that he is in now? Can he feel the love and warmth from his family and friends? If I am gone today, are you gonna still dropby my wall and keep me updated with your life? Will you still remember me in 10 years, 20 years, 30 years, 40 years, 50 years... or till the day you catch your last breath?

P/S: Today is the 5th anniversary of Kenny Sia's dad passing too.
http://www.kennysia.com/archives/2010/05/its-been-5-year.php

Joeanne Wong~

Below reflects how others are seeing me right now.

Joeanne Wong

1. Straightforward
2. Silent killer
3. Very helpful and a great team player
4. Helpful and can be very direct
5. Friendly and good to talk with
6. Great personality and helpful
7. Hardworking
8. Very helpful and easy to chat
9. Inquisitive and curious about life
10. Hardworking, passion in work and humble

How true is this? Can have a rating?

Pros and Cons~

As a sales person, every now and then I am dreaming for more new patients to use my drug so that I can hit my budget at the end of the day. I was actively talking about this topic over the dinner just now with my family.

My aunt was there too. She was diagnosed with ovarian cancer (stage 3) few years back. Although she has completed recovered now and leads a normal life, I suppose the experience of going through chemo and all that depression still haunted her until today. She was telling me this: "If you want more sales means you want more people to kena cancer?" In business sense, she is not wrong. But in ethical sense, I feel very wrong. Sigh~ The pros and the cons.

A day of reflection~

While I was driving home today, my mind was spinning with thoughts. Some people said attitude is acquired, but I think to certain degrees, attitude is born. I am a person who wanna strive the best for myself.

Nonetheless often times when I wanna prove my ability and effort, I ended up doing the opposite things that showed the inferior side of me. I remember having a severe stage fright during my high school time. I would be the last to talk if I have to, and if I were given a choice, I will choose to be the silencer. I am a supporter, I seldom voice out my opinion, I have no confidence to stand on the stage, I am afraid of public attention.

My ex Leo president actually said this to me once. "You are there all the time, but... ya, you are just there." I was very much impacted by what he said, and think he was in fact very right. I must start talking, I must be more vocal, if I wanna be notified in a group of people. That was when I started to be very active in Leo club, grabbed all the opportunities to talk in the public, to build my confident level. Eventually, I've made it.

The same goes to my work. Every time I tried too hard to prove myself, I set too high a standard where I cannot reach at the moment. In the end it shatters my confident level, and I am back to the timid cat that scared of rejection, scared of questions and scared of public attention.

That is why I think for the future, I am just gonna be myself. As long as I am prepared, I don't have to overdo things to prove myself. Just let the inner energy flows, and I believe I will regain my confidence. =)

I am not a clubber nor a drinker~

I used to enjoy clubbing quite a lot, with the alcohol, musics and the people around, you just can't stop your body from moving. It is a good way to temporarily forget about your problems, flirting around and enjoying the chill of having fun with random people. But that's once upon a time.

Too much of alcohol can kill. I started drinking quite a lot ever since I started working. The amount of input may be more than all the inputs I had over the years. I know I may be a paranoid, but my tummy don't feel well every time I started drinking, it aches a bit. Maybe I think too much, maybe it is a warning, to stop me from drinking too much before I become a habitual drinker.

Plus, in the club most of the people don't be their usual selves. In fact it is a good chance for clubbers to become someone else, someone that they yearning to be but may not have the chance due to social constraint. People started to get wild in the club, molestation, sexual harassment, harmless flirting, alcohol abuse and even drug abuse. In the end of the day, we may not know what we are doing.

Just find a day if you are in a club, try to be abit observant and look at the people around you. I don't know if this applies to everyone, but I feel abit disgusted. People become soulless, they become someone that you do not know. Some of them spent hundreds on beers and hard liquor, but in the end they vomitted out all the alcohol, drunk and wasted. Then whats the purpose?

Perhaps I have passed the age of clubbing. A few drinks once in a while still okay, but no longer a *kiap-kiap* kaki... XD

Love fades with time?

Recently I know a friend who has married for 7 years. He is now 28 years old, and ya... He married when he was 21 years old. I don't know how he actually sees his marriage with his wife, but from our conversation I can wildly guess that he is still wild, still looking for fun, seeking something interesting outside of his wife and son, looking for more spices for his life.

When he was excitedly telling me his story, my eyes were looking into his, smiling and nodding. But my brain was thinking, analyzing this guy in front of me. There must be some reasons that caused him to make the decision to get into marriage at the age of 21, and I suppose there must be some LOVE elements in his decision. Nonetheless, when I looked at him now, I don't see any or at least I don't feel the LOVE anymore. So, is this what people said love fades with time?

When we were young we were told about the fairy tales, the Happily-Ever-After ending. But most of the time when we look at the reality, often times we only see the opposite. Husbands abuse their wives and kids, some even murder their family members; high divorce rate in most of the developed countries, not many people actually see the value of marriage anymore. If I like, I get married; and if I don't like, I can just divorce. Is this the world that I am living right now?

Maybe at the end of the day I still do not have the ability to change the world to the version that I prefer, but to the minimum I will do what I can to make a difference. Having him at my side is a God bless. Although I am not sure where is our destination at the end of the day, but at least during the process I have tried my best. =)

* Be positive*

Today~

Today, 12. 04. 2010...

I felt like I was back to my younger age, during my primary time. I was sitting at a room with a bunch of nerdy students, everyone of us was sweating in our palms, wondered when was our turn for "the punishment". The punishment for not getting 100% for the maths homework.

Unfortunately it was not a good day for all of us, everyone was punished. I remembered she had a big fat cane in her tuition room, and everyone of us got to taste it very often, including this time. I still remembered her expression, the face of disappointment when she looked at me. I was not a good maths student but most of the time I worked hard to score okay. But I was really bad in mathematical division as I never got to understand the concept behind. So in the end, I screwed up my maths homework, and was canned.

Today I felt the same. Boss was having some sorta expectation on me, but I didn't turn out to be at his level of expectation. He said I acted differently, and he preferred the me when I was first joined. The level of confidence, the eagerness to learn, and the passion. I cannot deny what he has said, because they are true. My confidence was shattered quite a bit when I was on field, and the longer I deal with people, the more rejections I received, the more careful I am. Because I don't want customers to hate me. But this at the same time, I become a timid, I dare not to express myself clearly. I was blurred and scared. This time around, I can also see the face of disappointment in him.

Somehow or rather, I've found this trend quite a repetitive in me. At least in many aspects of my life. Wonder if I am gonna let it repeat or find some ways to stop it from happening again?

P/S: Currently in severe migraine. Sorry for all the grammar and vocab mistakes.

God Mummy~

There was a person who said this to me some times ago,

As long as you believe,
Our sun will never stop shining,
Even after a dreadful thunderstorm.
Just don't give up.

I believe in God, not because I wanna go to heaven. I believe in God because I believe that She will not abandon us. As if she is the sun over the universe, she will protect us along our journey of growth, the journey in seeking of self-realization.

She always remind her people to work hard, work smart, to be a better person for the world. Try to find our own way to success, try to find our way to make this world a better place. She gives us motivation, energy and strength to move forward, to not give in to defeats, to stand straight even when we are hit with problems and obstacles. That's what God is to me. She is my motivator, because I know she will be there watching, and blessing everyone of us, regardless whether you believe in her existence or not.

Love you god mummy, I will work hard, and work smart. =)

简单的幸福~

有时简单就是幸福。

有位云吞面大叔正勤奋地准备面条，他的老婆在旁帮忙打包。他们身边有个可爱的小女孩在静静地做功课，不时吵着爸爸妈妈要他们来看看她的功课。只见大叔边准备面条边对着小女孩说：“等下爸爸来看啊。。。”

云吞面大叔一家人可能不是很有钱，但是他们却很快乐。

幸福有时可以很简单，只要有心即可。

P/S: 以上情节是我昨天打包云吞面时所看到的。

The Book of Eli~

*The Book of Eli*

I happened to watch this movie with my colleague when I was in Ipoh last week. Although we had to ciaoz in the middle of the movie, it actually impacted me quite a bit.

The movie started with a ruined world, due to a nuclear war 30 years ago. The world has totally changed, what left was a bunch of mutated survivals who are willing to do anything to survive, this including to eat human flesh. They have become so mutated that their hands shake due to over eating of human flesh, drinking human blood, or simply, due to living under a nuclear-contaminated environment. Disgusting.

Eventually when I think about it. This story was based on bible study where Jesus has already predicted what will happen to us in the end of the day. We are not ruined by natural disasters or other catastrophic events, but we are all killed by our own hands. We created the war, we exploited our mother's natural resources, we contaminated our own home. If we die today, it is all because of us. No other reasons.

I would say this is a movie of reflection. In fact nowadays there are increasingly more and more movies with this kinda theme, natural disasters, the end of the world, a new world, etc. All of these bring the same message, that our earth is changing, slowly but noticeably.

Just be more observant and look around. Our world was used to be very peaceful a few decades ago, but now natural disasters are everywhere around us. Just 2009 alone, we are struck by earthquake, winter storm, flood, tsunami, wildfire, and many more. How many people died and how many lost their homes and loved ones? When everyone is focusing on saving the victims and how other countries tried to help, who actually see the other side of the picture? Who, who on Earth caused all these to happen? Can we blame our mother? Or we should point the finger to ourselves?

Besides, how about global warming? Can anyone feel the extremely hot weather nowadays? How about the exploitation of natural resources? How about population expansion? Do we have enough clean water and food and land to support this much of people? What happen when we do not have enough resources to keep everyone survive? I seriously cannot imagine.

As an individual, I dare not say that I have done alot for the environment. But I hope that at least all the people living on this planet, we have the courtesy to really think for our mother, to have the basic awareness of what is going to happen if we do not do anything right now.

Clock is ticking, earth is slowly evolving, don't ruin it with our hands. God bless.

Change~

Change is the only constant in life.

I guess this is very right. Recently there are a few changing of staffs in my company. Some of them have been working for the company for a couple of years, and the sudden decision to leave really gave me a shock. Some have been promoted, which I think it is something happy, because he deserves.

Somehow or rather I think changes always happen around us. Perhaps, my heart is slowly changing too. Who knows?

A night of reflection~

Attended a talk last night, all I can say is that it is inspirational. It was like a soul digger, force me to look into myself, think about what I have done for the past 24 years, and foresee what I am going to do for the coming future. A lot of reflection, I would say.

A nice night for sharing. I almost shed my tears when I thought about my family. All the while we have been in average relationship, with my dad especially, I always find it hard to communicate. Have you told your parents that you love them? For the past 24 years, I don't think I have said once I love you to them. Just feel it is awkward and uncomfortable.

Parents are important for me, that is why I care how much they see me. Hopefully before I registered for the training, I will have their full support. =)