I am losing my confidence slowly.
The incidence is so obvious that even I myself, have noticed the change in myself. The lost of confidence when facing someone who I presumed to be more professional and knowledgeable than me. The feeling of myself holding back things that I wanna say but dare not to say because I am afraid of the consequences of saying them all out. Customers may look at me in a different way. Bosses may look at me in a different way.
In the end of the day, I realized that I am trying to push myself to live in others' expectations. To be someone who they think have the quality to succeed. It is so obvious that, I am actually feeling it. I feel that I am changing in their directions, I am losing my own self. I don't know who I am. For your information, the aforementioned are the features of a low self-esteem person. They are people who unable to fill their own cup of fulfillment and satisfaction. They are people who depends on others to define whether they are a success or a failure. They are people who live to please others, so that they feel accepted.
Am I one of them? Sometimes I can be. I am living in a society where people are valuing highly of others' perceptions. How others see you define whether you are a good breed or a bad breed. How your bosses see you define whether you have a chance of promotion or not. How your friends see you define whether you are a good friend or not. How your partner sees you defines whether you are loved, or have the right to love or not. In the end of the day, we are doing things to please others. We loss ourselves, and sometimes, I really feel like one of them.
I hate the feelings when I lost my confidence. I know I can do better than this, but there are always these invisible hands that pull me from behind. Too many considerations: "what if", "how about", "if I don't...", ''but", "I am scared" and etc. In the end of the day, I am working like a dog to preserve my image. The image of fake-confidence, the image that I thought could help me to succeed. But does it? No it does not. In fact the image is like a mask, it masks my potential of being who I am.
I know I am a person with confidence, just that there are times where my confidence are easily shattered, because I have this self-doubt in myself. For a minute I can be confidently telling you that this is the right information, but the next minute when you throw me a doubtful look, I will straightaway chicken out, started to think and consider, am I giving the right information? Am I doing the right thing? Am I giving the right suggestion?
In the end of the day, I am still worrying about others' perception on me. How they view me define my happiness. That's the main feature of low self-esteem. I don't want to be like this. I want to change. I want to live for myself.
I remembered my boss telling me this when he had his 2nd assessment with me. He said:"The first time I worked with you, seriously I was very impressed with your level of confidence. But now, I felt so different. As if you have changed to another person. Is there anything that block your way?" Yes it is. I am afraid of rejection. I am afraid of screwing up things. That is why I took extra caution in doing things, and this at the same time shaken my self confidence. I am no longer who I am, I am someone who I think I should be, to minimize rejection.
Seriously the basic training has given me a lot of insights about myself. Where do I stand right now in my life. What is my strength and weaknesses? My boss has once told me this before, "You will be there (as a manager) one day." Ya, I want to be there one day. I really want to. As said is easier than done, I think its time to set some small and achievable goals. Things that I can do to get closer to my goal in my career. One step at a time.
For the time being,
1) I want to be a responsible sales representative. Not only do my job well, but do more than others. Keep track of things that I need to and make sure that I read enough.
2) I want my customers to trust me. When they want help, they will think of me. When they want to put in order, they will think of me. When they think of my product, they will think of me.
3) I want to be more observant in work. Things change everyday in the working field. I am sometimes too focus-minded that I miss out some minute information that may turn out to be of great information.
For the time being, I want to achieve this 3 goals by the end of this year.
P/S: Intention --> Goals --> Mechanism
The incidence is so obvious that even I myself, have noticed the change in myself. The lost of confidence when facing someone who I presumed to be more professional and knowledgeable than me. The feeling of myself holding back things that I wanna say but dare not to say because I am afraid of the consequences of saying them all out. Customers may look at me in a different way. Bosses may look at me in a different way.
In the end of the day, I realized that I am trying to push myself to live in others' expectations. To be someone who they think have the quality to succeed. It is so obvious that, I am actually feeling it. I feel that I am changing in their directions, I am losing my own self. I don't know who I am. For your information, the aforementioned are the features of a low self-esteem person. They are people who unable to fill their own cup of fulfillment and satisfaction. They are people who depends on others to define whether they are a success or a failure. They are people who live to please others, so that they feel accepted.
Am I one of them? Sometimes I can be. I am living in a society where people are valuing highly of others' perceptions. How others see you define whether you are a good breed or a bad breed. How your bosses see you define whether you have a chance of promotion or not. How your friends see you define whether you are a good friend or not. How your partner sees you defines whether you are loved, or have the right to love or not. In the end of the day, we are doing things to please others. We loss ourselves, and sometimes, I really feel like one of them.
I hate the feelings when I lost my confidence. I know I can do better than this, but there are always these invisible hands that pull me from behind. Too many considerations: "what if", "how about", "if I don't...", ''but", "I am scared" and etc. In the end of the day, I am working like a dog to preserve my image. The image of fake-confidence, the image that I thought could help me to succeed. But does it? No it does not. In fact the image is like a mask, it masks my potential of being who I am.
I know I am a person with confidence, just that there are times where my confidence are easily shattered, because I have this self-doubt in myself. For a minute I can be confidently telling you that this is the right information, but the next minute when you throw me a doubtful look, I will straightaway chicken out, started to think and consider, am I giving the right information? Am I doing the right thing? Am I giving the right suggestion?
In the end of the day, I am still worrying about others' perception on me. How they view me define my happiness. That's the main feature of low self-esteem. I don't want to be like this. I want to change. I want to live for myself.
I remembered my boss telling me this when he had his 2nd assessment with me. He said:"The first time I worked with you, seriously I was very impressed with your level of confidence. But now, I felt so different. As if you have changed to another person. Is there anything that block your way?" Yes it is. I am afraid of rejection. I am afraid of screwing up things. That is why I took extra caution in doing things, and this at the same time shaken my self confidence. I am no longer who I am, I am someone who I think I should be, to minimize rejection.
Seriously the basic training has given me a lot of insights about myself. Where do I stand right now in my life. What is my strength and weaknesses? My boss has once told me this before, "You will be there (as a manager) one day." Ya, I want to be there one day. I really want to. As said is easier than done, I think its time to set some small and achievable goals. Things that I can do to get closer to my goal in my career. One step at a time.
For the time being,
1) I want to be a responsible sales representative. Not only do my job well, but do more than others. Keep track of things that I need to and make sure that I read enough.
2) I want my customers to trust me. When they want help, they will think of me. When they want to put in order, they will think of me. When they think of my product, they will think of me.
3) I want to be more observant in work. Things change everyday in the working field. I am sometimes too focus-minded that I miss out some minute information that may turn out to be of great information.
For the time being, I want to achieve this 3 goals by the end of this year.
P/S: Intention --> Goals --> Mechanism
1 comment:
Is there any other wishes for the time being? Hehehe...
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