Change~

Recalling what happened this time last year, those drastic changes and abrupt movement, I am seeing a repeat of history this year this time.

Seriously sometimes I cannot control whats happening at the macro-environment, but I guess the only thing that I can control is how I am going to face them. Too much of change may not be good, but I cannot deny the fact that change, most of the time is for the better.

It is time to change myself. The mentality of seeing the whole office drama rolling out again. Welcome to the world.

Super Idiot~

I thought I have seen the worst of her idiotic face for the past few days.

Didn't know that the worst part (so far) is now. She asked her assistant to call and said she is now running low of stock. Asked to put in order urgently when X'mas is just a day after tomorrow and the supplier is closed for the holiday.

The worst of the worst is she some more dare to ask me for bonus scheme when she knew that she didn't have the chance to extend her contract with us anymore. Can you believe it? Such idiotic person? And yet I still have to smile to her the next time I see her? Bloody hell to the maximum.

Grrrr! And the worst thing is, she ruined the first day of my long holiday. Grrrr! >.< You IDIOT!

Idiot~

This woman that I met today is scary.

I was trying hard to endure her evil and greedy face for almost 2 hours, and all she said was to give her a better offer before come talk to her again.

Throughout the whole conversation all she thinks about is money, profit and how to maximize profit for her organization. Ya I mean, I understand you are one of the shareholders and all you wanted to do is to bring the best interest to your company group.

But seeing her face today really ruined my mood to the maximum. Regardless of what I said, she just wanted me to offer her something better. She as a crucial person in a hospital setup never put patients' priority in the first place but profit always comes first.

Well, this is your choice. Don't come and bug me for drugs when you're running out of stock while I am having holiday. Damn you!

当压力成为赢家时~

上天对我，其实已经算不话的。

从小到大我都衣食无忧，担心的只是如何考好成绩；担心的只是别人对我的看法；担心的只是一些无谓的小事，谁谁谁喜欢谁，谁谁谁暗恋谁，等等无谓的琐碎事情。出此之外，我可算是一位很幸运的人。

直到我开始工作，我才开始发现这个世界的另外一面，现实的一面，残酷的一面。我渐渐发现原来离开了父母的怀抱，一切都变得很困难。以前以为自己很厉害，到了现实社会才发现原来自己不过如此。

不是说上天已不再眷恋我，而是现在很多时候我都得付出双倍的努力来换取想得到的结果，有时候甚至付出了也未必会有成果。以前是个理想主义者，现在是个现实主义者。

我渐渐发现，其实我很多时候都不如人。很多时候感觉很沮丧，很多时候觉得自己很失败。很多人跟我说压力是自己给自己的。当初我很勇敢的说，压力是我的推动力。但当压力成为赢家时，我就像跌进山谷里的羊，怎么爬也爬不起来。

你们说，我该这么办？

Fork~

I'm at the fork of the road now. Too many things on my plate and I lost control of how to control them. Too many things to consider, and too many things in mind. I stopped asking opinions because that's how other people feel, and they may not be how I feel. I don't want to get myself more confused with the already confusing situation.

I keep asking myself. Am I willing to take the risk? In fact every decision has its risk. Either way I will certainly be facing some regretful moments, thinking of "I should have done this and that". There is no perfect decision, and there is no ideal solution. Either way I will have to sacrifice something, and to be responsible with my decision.

Argh! Lets take a deep sleep and think about it tomorrow again.

P/S: Sometimes it is good to clarify, rather than to keep in the heart and keep thinking why. I hope she will find her answer. I'm happy for you my friend. You've changed so much to becoming a better woman. =)

Decision

Sometimes l get myself confused by asking too many opinions. To the extent that other people's opinions have flooded my mind and heart and I can't hear the voice in my heart.

This time around I am just going to forget about how other people think and listen to myself.

Had a quiet moment for myself and I think I have made up my mind. The rest I will just leave it to God. If it is yours it will be yours.

Good night to myself. =)

La La La~

*La La La La La La, Sing a happy song...*

I wonder if all girls do the same, but I definitely is one of them.
I spend 25 minutes in the bathroom reflecting and thinking, then I spend another 2 minutes to shower. Hahaha~ and today I sorta understand myself a little bit more.

I like myself the most when I first joined the company.
That time I know nothing but I am fear of nothing too. =)

Sigh~

Sigh.

I don't know what to say, but no point crying over spoilt milk.
Better get motivated and start thinking of solutions.
Don't give up Joeanne!

Positioning~

When I was talking to a breast surgeon today, he shared with me his experience of my drug, and also my competitor's drug.

He said he has a patient recently who came in as stage 4 breast cancer patient Very severe, he said he once thought it was a "no hope" patient. He referred the patient to an oncologist and together they started treating her with chemotherapy as well as my drug - Hxx.

He said after sometimes patient progressed from the disease. Hxx at that point of time did not seem to help her in controlling the disease in spreading further. Then the oncologist proceed on next line of treatment, to use Txx, which is indicated for 2nd line treatment after progression of Hxx.

Luckily for the patient, Txx seems to work on her. She seems to tolerate well with the drug and now she is doing okay, at least not as ill as before. The breast surgeon said he is convinced. I mean, totally convinced.

As a sales person who is selling Hxx, by right I should defend for my drug, probably list down 101 reasons why Hxx may not work. But I didn't, I look at the surgeon and nodded. I am glad that the patient has found a drug that can help her, and I believe regardless of how competitive the market is, every drug has its role, and has its positioning in the market, especially in the oncology market.

Txx is indicated to use after Hxx in HER2+ advanced breast cancer who spread to other sites and organs. I think the oncologist has made the right decision, and I guess this will be the future direction of pharmaceutical sales. We market and promote our products based on positioning. Every drug has it roles at different stages of the disease, and we are here to save patients lives, not to take them away for the sake of our sales.

P/S: This is just my opinion. If you do not agree, just have a good laugh and forget about it. Cheers!

End Points~

Sometimes I wonder, in the world of medicinal research when treating cancer is concern, which endpoint is more important?

Progression Free Survival (PFS) means how long can a patient survive without the cancer getting worst. Overall survival (OS) means how long can a patient survive before the patient dies of the cancer, or dies of disease complications.

I've come about this issues quite many times, when the professionals often asked, "Do you think your drug works, when it only shows a fairly good enough PFS but not OS?". Ultimately we are talking about prolonging the lives of the patient.

Yes I agree. Ultimately we are talking about prolonging the lives of cancer patients. To me I guess both endpoints are appropriate, and whether PFS is better or OS, I guess it is also depending on the prognosis of the disease type itself.

For example, a patient is diagnosed with advanced breast cancer, which comparatively have a better life span as compared to a patient who is diagnosed with advanced prostate cancer. For cases where patients can potentially live longer with the disease, PFS is more important to testify the efficacy of the drug, because chances are, patients would have many lines of treatment in the future.

How long a patient can survive is no longer just confined to one type of treatment, or one type of drugs. With the advancement in oncology, patients are now able to live longer with better drugs, and live longer to undergo many lines of treatment, and thus overall survival may not be relevant to see how effective is a particular drug.

But for disease which progresses very rapidly, OS is a good endpoint because chances of patients living long enough for many lines of treatment are low, and thus OS is a good indicator of how effective is the drug given.

I am not a professional to say whether what I said is absolutely correct or wrong. But to certain extent, when a patient comes to a see a doctor with advanced diseases, we know that prolonging survival is ideal, but providing a better quality of life to the patient is also of ultimate importance. And I believe, my drug can certainly achieve this.

Pray for all the surviving patients out there, and hope one day more patients can get access to good drugs. =)

Short Sighted-ness~

I remember my chemistry teacher once shared her story with us. She said her son was a naughty little brat, wanted to try everything that comes to his touch. She once tried stopping him from playing with the switch, but he never listened.

In the end my teacher stopped trying to stop him. In fact, she let him play with it. Her theory is that, her little boy will not listen to her if he didn't know the consequences of playing with those switches. So one fine day, when he was happily playing with the switch again, he was mildly electro-shocked. His finger was numbed for a while, and then the pain came. He cried.

After that incidence, my teacher never see her son going near to the switch anymore. That is even more effective than continuous bugging and scolding!

For the past one week I was like her son, eager to try out other opportunities and possibilities. And I found out that I am happier with what I am doing right now. I realize I am a short sighted person. I wanted to be rich fast, and retire young. I almost wanted to give up when I face difficulties in my job. How sure am I that things will not repeat if I change a different working environment?

A successful person is able to strive even in tough situation. Persistence is one thing, patience is another thing. I'm asking myself, "how much bullets do I have right now?" Be patience, be determined. Set a goal and direction, never give up so easily.

P/S: A friend of mine said that I am a person who give RM1 and expecting RM10 in return. Do you think so?

Pressure Cooker~

Whatever that I am experiencing now, is nothing new to me. Always, I fall to the same cycle, over and over again, and I cannot help myself out of the trap.

For many people who know me well, they know I am a perfectionist. I set high bars for myself, I want to achieve things that other people think it is impossible, or they couldn't be bothered. I want to prove myself to the world.

For that I have a great price to pay, for all my entire working life so far I am living in a pressure cooker. Depression is not a foreign word to me, I experience it almost everyday. I become persistent, I become over-persistent, I become pushy and in the end, people are afraid of me.

I feel defeated. I know my attitude is going to ruin me one day. I know I am finished if I don't change, but I just couldn't help myself. I feel so stressful if I didn't get to do it when other people don't even have to chase for it. Things just fall nicely for them.

Sometimes I just can't control myself but to feel unfair. The world is never fair, I know this is the real world that I am living in, but I just can't help myself to look at others and then look at myself again.

My ex-boss just called, and the minute I heard his voice, my tears just dropped. He told me I am already doing well, sometimes whatever you do, you may not see the result immediately. He asked me to relax, and really need to let go of myself before things really become worst. I know what he said is true, in fact I knew it myself too, but just it is so difficult to not think about it, to not make my brain work for it.

I know some people may have been afraid of me. I know some people will not tell me anything. I know I am not good enough yet. Thanks boss, for the listening ears. I hope one day I will be a better woman.

What goes around comes around~

Last week was a disastrous week.

For all the wrong deeds that I've done, I think I have suffered from the consequences. For being lazy and un-focus, I think my boss have seen it clearly with her eyes.

I am not ragging, nor that I complain anything. Whatever I've done, now it is just the consequences of my wrong deeds. Damage is done, the only thing right now is just to control the damage.

It is okay. Not a problem, I will work on the problems and areas that I am weak at. Gambateh!

Love is in the Air~

At every stage of my life,
There are something exciting waiting for me to explore.

At this stage of my life,
I feel the love is in the air. Many of my friends are getting married, many of them have met the special someone who they can see as a future husband/ wife. Some of them are preparing to be a mother, some of them just started to be a mother. I am happy, because I see the smiles on their faces.

All the best wishes to all of them.

Hook or Crook~

9 more days to go,

300k more to do.

By hook or by crook,

Just got to make it happen.



*Go baby go!*

\(' o ')/

Recently I don't leave the house without my calculator, I mean if I go to work.

The reason is because year end is so close, almost every single minute while I am free, my mind is calculating. How much more? Why so slow? How to get more patients? Can or not? etc etc... Looking at the figures now, I can only keep my fingers crossed.

Trying to keep all the positive strength I have. Came across this quote recently, which I found it quite inspiring.

"Do the best, prepare for the worst"

Yo! Aza-Aza! \(' o ')/

何谓快乐？

曾经有人对我说，人生是一场又一场的选择游戏。想要达到梦想，我们必须为梦想而努力。努力，何尝不是一种选择呢？

近来的我很不快乐，在工作上遇到了一些难题，感觉很沮丧。我觉得工作不顺利，一直在想到底我适合这种工作吗？是不是应该另谋一片天地？还是问题原之于我？

因为这些事情而想太多，近来的我好像得了忧郁症。突然间我会哭起来；突然间我会想要逃避一切；突然间我会变得很悲观；突然间我会变得没有信心；突然间我好像老了许多，白头发也长出来了。

觉得自己不可以再这样继续下去，终于狠下心去阅读一本我买了相当久的书，想要去了解到底快乐是什么东西？书还没有读完，但是它忆起了我深深埋藏在心里的记忆。我知道快乐是什么，我知道如何使自己快乐，只是忙碌的工作，繁华的诱惑使我忘了最基本的人生之道。

人生是一场选择游戏，快乐也是一种选择。放眼看看我们的世界，有多少人是一辈子顺顺利利的？不顺心的事十之八九，难道每天都要活在痛苦里面吗？从挫折中寻找希望，从悲伤中寻找快乐。要快乐与否，全掌握在我们的心中。

所以说，快乐原之于心。

12.11.2010~

Today,

I wear a new pair of shoes. The shoes itself is nice but the wearing part is torturing. I got blisters and skin peel off.

I had a drug talk today in one of the hospitals that I cover. Coincidentally I met a man with his sick wife. His wife had used my drug before but didn't seem to respond. So happened that the man saw us having a talk, and he said:

Man: "You still doing this drug?"
Me: "Ya" (smiling)
Man: "I heard a lot of bad news about this drug, esp in lung cancer. The net is saying a lot of bad things about this drug and yet it is so expensive" (hatred expression)
Me: "Hows your wife doing?" (didn't really answer to his last statement)
Man: "Oh no, she is not doing very well" (eyes watery)

Out of the sudden I got a feeling of depression and sadness, especially when I look into his eyes. I don't know how to continue the conversation and don't know what else I can say. I just excuse myself and walked off.

His sorrow expression was imprinted in my heart. His pain of going to lose his dying wife is so immense and infectious. Before I left I had a glimpse of his wife. She looks like my grandfather during his dying age. At that moment I got a feeling to cry out loud.

This afternoon I received a bad news which I pray hard not to receive. But in the end it still makes it way to me. The first moment I saw the message, my heart sank, my tears rolling and yet I have to wear a smiling mask when I see my clients.

Today is a bad day. I spent my evening crying. My heart is still aching, but I have to find my way out eventually, all by myself perhaps.

1st Year~

Welcome 9th November 2010.

This day marks my one year anniversary in Roche. Time flies. Nothing much to shout about. Throughout the year I have seen a lot, heard a lot and experienced a lot. But these are just the tip of the ice berg. A lot more to learn and a lot more to go some more. Personally needed more money to survive. *Laugh Out Laud*

Anyways, just wanna mark this date down. First year with my first permanent job. Congratulation to Stella as well, my colleague who came in together with me. All the best to both of us. =D

P for procrastination~

Found out one thing about myself today.

I talk more than I listen.
I talk more than I observe.
I follow my heart more than my brain.
I follow gut feelings more than analysis.

In the end, people don't really get what I want, and I don't really know why I talk so much and talk so fast.

P/S: I need the strength to stay optimistic. Current procrastinating...