Are we better off?

Recently I saw a video clip on Facebook which said that women are exposed to more than 500 types of chemicals in a day. From shampoo to facial wash to toner to body lotion and comestic products, every beauty product that we use today contains at least 10 types or more harmful chemicals.

Maybe this isn't new to most us as we are well aware of the role of *chemical* in our daily products. But as we are living in a society that is overwhelmed with chemicals, can we live without them? In fact we are consuming them everyday, even in the water that we drink.

When I was thinking about this, something pops into my mind. How about those women who lived in the ancient world? They did beautify their features as well but they did not heavily depending on chemicals. And yet from most historical records, they are described as beautiful and charming figures. Some of them even changed the destiny of a dinasty, if you know what I am saying.

So, are we better off with so many chemicals applied onto us?

P/S: Just some craps.

Loneliness~

Ever since I started working with Roche, travelling has become part of my job. Besides the usual visiting to hospitals in KL and PJ areas, I have to travel to Ipoh and Taiping once a month, to cover some of the doctors there.

Outstation has always been fun. At least it is "sorta" an escape from pressure and figures. But only sometimes. Nowadays I don't really enjoy anymore, besides the increasing pressure from the doctor, I am actually struck by loneliness.

This isn't the first time I travel alone to Ipoh, but this time the feeling of being lonely was very strong. I met a local rep when I was in Ipoh GH today. He told me that working outstation is actually a boring task. He was once needed to cover Sarawak, and each time he went, he had to be there for 2 weeks. Initially it was fun but when you get used to the environment there, things that were initially interesting has now become boring and normal. Nothing special. And you will start to feel lonely and bored after work.

Kinda true. I started to feel bored travelling alone. When I was wandering around in Jusco just now looking for mineral water and green tea, suddenly I thought of my boyfriend. He always said that regardless of what happens, I can always buzz him. Anytime anything anywhere. He will always be there for me, although he may not be physically able to. Somehow he is very supportive, and always wants to be with me, and will be the first who come for me if something happens.

I smile from the bottom of my heart once again. Perhaps thats the power of love?

P/S: Don't worry for me, I will be fine. Love you.

Old Time Memories~

Yesterday I was telling my boyfriend about my close friends in highschool. There are four of us who always hanged around together. We knew each other for many many years and in class we used to sit in a clump of four. Two of us were librarians and another two were ordinary students. We went to the same tuition centers, we went to the same college and university. We were always the top four in class where a lot of our classmates during that time, thought we were inseparable, so did I.

But things change in time, including friendship. In Chinese we have this idiom called "天下没有不散之筵席", meaning that there is always an end for every gathering. In other words, regardless of how many years, separation among people is very common. Whether it is due to human activities, natural events (born, old, sick and die) or natural disasters.

So I think the same has applied to our friendship. I remember the last time the four of us gathered together was the time where we were anxiously waiting the sms from the government, whether we are selected for National Service or not. I remember some of our classmates were there as well, as if it was the last gathering before all of us parted into different routes in life.

Well, in the end of the long waiting, I would have to say that I was the only ''fortunate'' one that got selected for National Service. Others were "unfortunately" escaped. With that I have to fulfill my responsibility as a "rakyat" and went into camp for 3 months. The three of them then continued their journey by taking pre-university program together at the same college.

Sometimes when you have too much complains and grumbles in your heart, you tend to get explode very easily. This was what happened to the three of them during my 3 months service with the government. Things changed, from sweet to sour, from good to bad, from appreciation to blame. It is always like that, we tend to blame others when things don't do well, cause it is easier that way.

In the end of the day, our gang splitted into 2 and never talk to each other anymore. Some even delete the contacts from handphone and other social networks. Although it has been years now and I am still close with all of them, but the possibility of having the 4 of us to gather together is slim, maybe close to zero.

Sometimes I would spend sometimes alone, to think of what has happened to me over the past few years. What have I done and what have I not. It is a moment of reflection and to readjust my position in life, where do I wanna go, and whether I am working towards that direction. When I think about our long lost friendship, sometimes I can only sigh.

P/S: Happy Friendship to everyone.

Am I, am I not?

I am losing my confidence slowly.

The incidence is so obvious that even I myself, have noticed the change in myself. The lost of confidence when facing someone who I presumed to be more professional and knowledgeable than me. The feeling of myself holding back things that I wanna say but dare not to say because I am afraid of the consequences of saying them all out. Customers may look at me in a different way. Bosses may look at me in a different way.

In the end of the day, I realized that I am trying to push myself to live in others' expectations. To be someone who they think have the quality to succeed. It is so obvious that, I am actually feeling it. I feel that I am changing in their directions, I am losing my own self. I don't know who I am. For your information, the aforementioned are the features of a low self-esteem person. They are people who unable to fill their own cup of fulfillment and satisfaction. They are people who depends on others to define whether they are a success or a failure. They are people who live to please others, so that they feel accepted.

Am I one of them? Sometimes I can be. I am living in a society where people are valuing highly of others' perceptions. How others see you define whether you are a good breed or a bad breed. How your bosses see you define whether you have a chance of promotion or not. How your friends see you define whether you are a good friend or not. How your partner sees you defines whether you are loved, or have the right to love or not. In the end of the day, we are doing things to please others. We loss ourselves, and sometimes, I really feel like one of them.

I hate the feelings when I lost my confidence. I know I can do better than this, but there are always these invisible hands that pull me from behind. Too many considerations: "what if", "how about", "if I don't...", ''but", "I am scared" and etc. In the end of the day, I am working like a dog to preserve my image. The image of fake-confidence, the image that I thought could help me to succeed. But does it? No it does not. In fact the image is like a mask, it masks my potential of being who I am.

I know I am a person with confidence, just that there are times where my confidence are easily shattered, because I have this self-doubt in myself. For a minute I can be confidently telling you that this is the right information, but the next minute when you throw me a doubtful look, I will straightaway chicken out, started to think and consider, am I giving the right information? Am I doing the right thing? Am I giving the right suggestion?

In the end of the day, I am still worrying about others' perception on me. How they view me define my happiness. That's the main feature of low self-esteem. I don't want to be like this. I want to change. I want to live for myself.

I remembered my boss telling me this when he had his 2nd assessment with me. He said:"The first time I worked with you, seriously I was very impressed with your level of confidence. But now, I felt so different. As if you have changed to another person. Is there anything that block your way?" Yes it is. I am afraid of rejection. I am afraid of screwing up things. That is why I took extra caution in doing things, and this at the same time shaken my self confidence. I am no longer who I am, I am someone who I think I should be, to minimize rejection.

Seriously the basic training has given me a lot of insights about myself. Where do I stand right now in my life. What is my strength and weaknesses? My boss has once told me this before, "You will be there (as a manager) one day." Ya, I want to be there one day. I really want to. As said is easier than done, I think its time to set some small and achievable goals. Things that I can do to get closer to my goal in my career. One step at a time.

For the time being,

1) I want to be a responsible sales representative. Not only do my job well, but do more than others. Keep track of things that I need to and make sure that I read enough.

2) I want my customers to trust me. When they want help, they will think of me. When they want to put in order, they will think of me. When they think of my product, they will think of me.

3) I want to be more observant in work. Things change everyday in the working field. I am sometimes too focus-minded that I miss out some minute information that may turn out to be of great information.

For the time being, I want to achieve this 3 goals by the end of this year.

P/S: Intention --> Goals --> Mechanism

Emo Nemo~

Tonight is really an emo night.

Mind was mentally blocked. Everyone is telling me what is the right thing to do. But I am done with inputs, please just leave me alone. I just want a night with a blank mind, am I asking for too much? Sorry I am not gonna care anymore. I am done with overly constraining myself.

Dropby one of my friend's FB wall, he passed away 7 months ago due to a horrible accident. Saw many people still dropping posts on his wall, the feelings are very strong. Can he read in heaven? Or wherever place that he is in now? Can he feel the love and warmth from his family and friends? If I am gone today, are you gonna still dropby my wall and keep me updated with your life? Will you still remember me in 10 years, 20 years, 30 years, 40 years, 50 years... or till the day you catch your last breath?

P/S: Today is the 5th anniversary of Kenny Sia's dad passing too.
http://www.kennysia.com/archives/2010/05/its-been-5-year.php

Joeanne Wong~

Below reflects how others are seeing me right now.

Joeanne Wong

1. Straightforward
2. Silent killer
3. Very helpful and a great team player
4. Helpful and can be very direct
5. Friendly and good to talk with
6. Great personality and helpful
7. Hardworking
8. Very helpful and easy to chat
9. Inquisitive and curious about life
10. Hardworking, passion in work and humble

How true is this? Can have a rating?

Pros and Cons~

As a sales person, every now and then I am dreaming for more new patients to use my drug so that I can hit my budget at the end of the day. I was actively talking about this topic over the dinner just now with my family.

My aunt was there too. She was diagnosed with ovarian cancer (stage 3) few years back. Although she has completed recovered now and leads a normal life, I suppose the experience of going through chemo and all that depression still haunted her until today. She was telling me this: "If you want more sales means you want more people to kena cancer?" In business sense, she is not wrong. But in ethical sense, I feel very wrong. Sigh~ The pros and the cons.

A day of reflection~

While I was driving home today, my mind was spinning with thoughts. Some people said attitude is acquired, but I think to certain degrees, attitude is born. I am a person who wanna strive the best for myself.

Nonetheless often times when I wanna prove my ability and effort, I ended up doing the opposite things that showed the inferior side of me. I remember having a severe stage fright during my high school time. I would be the last to talk if I have to, and if I were given a choice, I will choose to be the silencer. I am a supporter, I seldom voice out my opinion, I have no confidence to stand on the stage, I am afraid of public attention.

My ex Leo president actually said this to me once. "You are there all the time, but... ya, you are just there." I was very much impacted by what he said, and think he was in fact very right. I must start talking, I must be more vocal, if I wanna be notified in a group of people. That was when I started to be very active in Leo club, grabbed all the opportunities to talk in the public, to build my confident level. Eventually, I've made it.

The same goes to my work. Every time I tried too hard to prove myself, I set too high a standard where I cannot reach at the moment. In the end it shatters my confident level, and I am back to the timid cat that scared of rejection, scared of questions and scared of public attention.

That is why I think for the future, I am just gonna be myself. As long as I am prepared, I don't have to overdo things to prove myself. Just let the inner energy flows, and I believe I will regain my confidence. =)