Change~

Recalling what happened this time last year, those drastic changes and abrupt movement, I am seeing a repeat of history this year this time.

Seriously sometimes I cannot control whats happening at the macro-environment, but I guess the only thing that I can control is how I am going to face them. Too much of change may not be good, but I cannot deny the fact that change, most of the time is for the better.

It is time to change myself. The mentality of seeing the whole office drama rolling out again. Welcome to the world.

I like who I am~

It has been a long long time ever since I started to care about how others feel about me. But nowadays I find it very tiring to live up to everyone's expectation but myself.

I want to be myself, to do the things I like. Almost, I am not saying 100% yet, everyday I am getting better in caring less of what other people thinking of me. Too time consuming, and too mental torturing. If I am gonna die tomorrow, I hope I will be able to bring along the good memories with me, something that I'd proud of myself, rather than all the sighs and regret.

P/S: It is always at night that I become more sentimental. Hmmmm....

Humanity~

Many people said dog is human's best friend.

I don't know because I am not an animal lover nor did I have any pet before in my life. But recently a friend of mine is suffering greatly from her dog, which is dying of old age.

The dog was with her and her family for more than 16 years and now it is about time to go. I don't know what kind of emotion is that to lose a pet that we have kept company for so long, but I know she is very sad and cannot let go. I remember once when I called her for some business matter, she sounded weird and before I could finish talking she put down the call. I wondered for a while before I received her text and she apologized, because she wasn't in the right mood to talk. Her dog is very sick.

Seeing what she and her family have to go through really makes my mind thinks. Family bonding, love and passion. People feel sad for losing their pets, people feel said for losing their loved ones. All these emotions are evidence that we are still a "human" human.

We aren't completely blinded by money, power and greed yet, although our world is corrupted enough. We still have what makes us human, and that's humanity. I really hope that my friend will be able to go through this. All the best to her.

P/S: Be strong k babe. =)

当压力成为赢家时~

上天对我，其实已经算不话的。

从小到大我都衣食无忧，担心的只是如何考好成绩；担心的只是别人对我的看法；担心的只是一些无谓的小事，谁谁谁喜欢谁，谁谁谁暗恋谁，等等无谓的琐碎事情。出此之外，我可算是一位很幸运的人。

直到我开始工作，我才开始发现这个世界的另外一面，现实的一面，残酷的一面。我渐渐发现原来离开了父母的怀抱，一切都变得很困难。以前以为自己很厉害，到了现实社会才发现原来自己不过如此。

不是说上天已不再眷恋我，而是现在很多时候我都得付出双倍的努力来换取想得到的结果，有时候甚至付出了也未必会有成果。以前是个理想主义者，现在是个现实主义者。

我渐渐发现，其实我很多时候都不如人。很多时候感觉很沮丧，很多时候觉得自己很失败。很多人跟我说压力是自己给自己的。当初我很勇敢的说，压力是我的推动力。但当压力成为赢家时，我就像跌进山谷里的羊，怎么爬也爬不起来。

你们说，我该这么办？

Fork~

I'm at the fork of the road now. Too many things on my plate and I lost control of how to control them. Too many things to consider, and too many things in mind. I stopped asking opinions because that's how other people feel, and they may not be how I feel. I don't want to get myself more confused with the already confusing situation.

I keep asking myself. Am I willing to take the risk? In fact every decision has its risk. Either way I will certainly be facing some regretful moments, thinking of "I should have done this and that". There is no perfect decision, and there is no ideal solution. Either way I will have to sacrifice something, and to be responsible with my decision.

Argh! Lets take a deep sleep and think about it tomorrow again.

P/S: Sometimes it is good to clarify, rather than to keep in the heart and keep thinking why. I hope she will find her answer. I'm happy for you my friend. You've changed so much to becoming a better woman. =)

La La La~

*La La La La La La, Sing a happy song...*

I wonder if all girls do the same, but I definitely is one of them.
I spend 25 minutes in the bathroom reflecting and thinking, then I spend another 2 minutes to shower. Hahaha~ and today I sorta understand myself a little bit more.

I like myself the most when I first joined the company.
That time I know nothing but I am fear of nothing too. =)

Unconditional Love?

What is unconditional love?

Besides my parents, I haven't seen any.

Positioning~

When I was talking to a breast surgeon today, he shared with me his experience of my drug, and also my competitor's drug.

He said he has a patient recently who came in as stage 4 breast cancer patient Very severe, he said he once thought it was a "no hope" patient. He referred the patient to an oncologist and together they started treating her with chemotherapy as well as my drug - Hxx.

He said after sometimes patient progressed from the disease. Hxx at that point of time did not seem to help her in controlling the disease in spreading further. Then the oncologist proceed on next line of treatment, to use Txx, which is indicated for 2nd line treatment after progression of Hxx.

Luckily for the patient, Txx seems to work on her. She seems to tolerate well with the drug and now she is doing okay, at least not as ill as before. The breast surgeon said he is convinced. I mean, totally convinced.

As a sales person who is selling Hxx, by right I should defend for my drug, probably list down 101 reasons why Hxx may not work. But I didn't, I look at the surgeon and nodded. I am glad that the patient has found a drug that can help her, and I believe regardless of how competitive the market is, every drug has its role, and has its positioning in the market, especially in the oncology market.

Txx is indicated to use after Hxx in HER2+ advanced breast cancer who spread to other sites and organs. I think the oncologist has made the right decision, and I guess this will be the future direction of pharmaceutical sales. We market and promote our products based on positioning. Every drug has it roles at different stages of the disease, and we are here to save patients lives, not to take them away for the sake of our sales.

P/S: This is just my opinion. If you do not agree, just have a good laugh and forget about it. Cheers!

I Eat the Shit I threw~

Opportunities knocked on my door,
Just that I happily let them go.
Thought that others will come soon.
In the end I know this is not true,
If Karma is ever true,
Then I deserve to eat the shit I threw.

P/S: 活该!

Past, Present, Future~

曾经

At different stages of life, I meet different people. Some people were very important to me at some point of times, some people might be just another common person pass by my life. But as the time ticks and I move along, things change again.

People who I thought will be my ultimate partner is now a stranger to me, but to another person, he/ she is now the most important person. People I thought who is not going to cross my life at any point, has now become the most important person in my life.

This is life. Constantly changing and changing is the only constant. So does this mean that people who were once very important to me, is not worth mentioning anymore? So does this mean that people who have come, and now gone is being erased from my life?

To me, for all the people who have come and now left my life, they are still very important to me. Our world is very unique, we value history, we are surrounded by evolutions. Our world has come this far, so do us human. If without our ancestors, then there will be no us. If without evolution, then there will be no us.

So, if without those people who came to my life before, then there will be no me. For those people who were once very important to me, and now moved on to another stage of life, I wish them all the best of luck because I truly believe that to them, I am part of their histories as well.

P/S: Don't deny our past, as they created who we are today.

Mirror and Reflection~

It is such a long holiday, I find myself unable to adjust. Maybe because I am not traveling this time, that's why I find too much of time, but too little things to fill up my time.

Have been rereading some of my motivational books since I have nothing much to do. One of the books talked about the law of expectancy. You are what you think you are. The author encouraged us to look at ourselves at the mirror, and see what we see from the mirror.

Mirror mirror on the wall, show me who am I after all.

For that I stand in front of the mirror and started examining myself. The overall figure, the face expression. What I saw is a tired and plain looking me. Not that I didn't have enough sleep, the tiredness is because I am slowly aging with time. I am slowly out growing my current stage, and moving towards another. I see a face which is lack of inner confidence. There is no radiance in the face I saw. It is like a standing ghost. Quite horrible I would say. Mirror and reflection, maybe that's who I am.

Have been arguing over many things with my loved one. Different perceptions different opinions, but same level of stubbornness and selfishness. Nobody wants to give way, nobody wants to change. Nobody wants to give without a guarantee of return. In the end it is a suffer from both sides. Sometimes I wonder why things can change so drastically. Sometimes I just wonder...

Opportunity~

A lot of time in life, when you miss the opportunity then thats it.


How many times have you missed an opportunity?

&

Why we missed these opportunities?

Self Worth~

Sometimes I will ask myself, how much do I worth?

But come to think about it, what do I want to know? How much do I worth in the eyes of others? Or how much do I worth in the eyes of myself? Always people live by the standard of others. For example, I have to do this and do that because this is the standard of society. But how about ourselves?

Sometimes we think that we can count on our loved ones for self value because they are the people who are closest to us. Be it our family members, boyfriend or husband. But what if one day these people moved on or leave for another world? When that happens who are we going to depend on?

In the end we can only depend on ourselves. If there is no self value in ourselves, then we will never feel secured. Never have enough confidence to pursue our dreams, because we look at others before we take actions.

It is fine if today you don't value me as much as before. I value myself.

It is a matter of choice~

Mum brought back a bad news. My grandma was suffering from kidney failure. Only 25% of her kidney is left fighting for her body, the rest has died over time. She is now 89 years old, doctor doesn't recommend any treatment.

Sitting next to my mum listening to her calling all the siblings and asked them to prepare, I know she is not happy, can see from her red teary eyes. Me too. I am not very close to my grandma, but somehow I still feel very sad for her.

How long can a person live? Average of 80 years. It is just a blink of an eye and time flies. The next blink of eye we will see ourselves moving towards the other stage of life, maybe heaven or hell, maybe we are left with bone and dust. Wonder if I will regret things that I have done, sacrifices that have been made when I was young?

My boyfriend told me that we can only live once. Bad times are inevitable. It is a matter of choice whether we want to be happy or not. It is a matter of choice, whether I want to be the victim or not.

P/S: 过于执着只会让自己困在死角，叫天不灵叫地不应。

Short Sighted-ness~

I remember my chemistry teacher once shared her story with us. She said her son was a naughty little brat, wanted to try everything that comes to his touch. She once tried stopping him from playing with the switch, but he never listened.

In the end my teacher stopped trying to stop him. In fact, she let him play with it. Her theory is that, her little boy will not listen to her if he didn't know the consequences of playing with those switches. So one fine day, when he was happily playing with the switch again, he was mildly electro-shocked. His finger was numbed for a while, and then the pain came. He cried.

After that incidence, my teacher never see her son going near to the switch anymore. That is even more effective than continuous bugging and scolding!

For the past one week I was like her son, eager to try out other opportunities and possibilities. And I found out that I am happier with what I am doing right now. I realize I am a short sighted person. I wanted to be rich fast, and retire young. I almost wanted to give up when I face difficulties in my job. How sure am I that things will not repeat if I change a different working environment?

A successful person is able to strive even in tough situation. Persistence is one thing, patience is another thing. I'm asking myself, "how much bullets do I have right now?" Be patience, be determined. Set a goal and direction, never give up so easily.

P/S: A friend of mine said that I am a person who give RM1 and expecting RM10 in return. Do you think so?

Troubled~

Wow, it has been almost 6 months since I last blogged!
At first I thought I would have just given up blogging, but recently life has been a little bit too sucky and I think I have to blog my feelings out again.

Sigh~ I'm going to move to new house soon. Well, it is suppose to be a good thing but things don't always be good. Mom and dad have been quarreling over some issues, which to an extent where my mum is literally not listening to anyone anymore. She is sorta isolating herself from other people, and just wants other people to follow her way, before she starts making threats like she is not moving with us if things are not sorted out her way.

Sigh~ Dad is kinda given up. From what I know, he will do his way as well, and I am the person left to be the peace maker. Need to talk to mum and maybe let her know that things may be better if we see it from another perspective. But looking at my mum, my mouth is zipped. I don't know how to communicate with her. So difficult, don't even know how to start.

Have been very troubled by this matter. I really don't know how to get this thing solved. Sigh~

2010~

Time flies, two more days and there goes 2010.

Reflection has not been done, as I am too lazy to do so. But I would say 2010 is a year full of blessing and a year of challenges, sweat, blood and tears. Just to list a few:

1) I had a few *minor* car accidents, causing my dad to spend a bomb in fixing my car.
2) I had a few minor/ major breakdown as I couldn't handle my emotion well.
3) I had a lot of blur moments as this is my first official year of work.
4) I had a few strands of white hairs as I am getting older.
5) I have my first long term relationship (more than a year).
6) I have finally upgraded to a professional shopaholic.
7) I had more than 250 cups of coffee.
8) I had more than a dozen of beer.
9) I had spent a lot of time procrastinating.
10) I have finally cut my hair short and dyed.

Regardless, I have to thank God for all the blessing, for keeping all of us safe, happy and healthy. 2011 will be another year of challenge, sweat, blood and tears. I can almost guarantee that. But hopefully it will be another fruitful year.

Wishing all of you Happy 2011.

Cancer~

Cancer is a terrible disease.

I've seen many people, either they are my friends' relatives, or some random patients I met in the hospital, cancer is indeed a very horrifying disease. It doesn't kill you immediately, but letting you dying in a slow process, which you know that there is practically no cure when you are detected at late stage.

Mom's medical report was out. Doctor said that she has a cyst at her right kidney, 55mm. Another cyst at her right ovary, 35mm. Left ovary was undetected (as in cannot detect the organ), which I don't understand why.

Doctor said for the time being the cysts are harmless. Round, well-defined and are relatively small size. But she needs to do check-up regularly to monitor her cysts. I am worried. Being in the oncology field for only a year but the knowledge regarding to this disease and the experiences I have with the cancer patients, I become more paranoid than ever.

Cancer cells are changing every minute, now they are benign but we don't know when they will cross the *barrier* and become cancerous. I told my mom to monitor her check-up closely, at least every 3 months she has to do her check-up, just to be safe.

As for me, I recently took pills that will fluctuate my hormone level like roller coaster. Already I feel the tenderness of my breast and the slight pinching pain of my left breast. I know taking the pills is unavoidable, but this is the last time, I don't wanna take it again. Bear in mind hormones play an important role in driving cancer.

If you said I am a super paranoid I will not deny. I am so scared of dying. Thats what my heart is telling me now.

Thanks~

Once a doctor shared with me about his experiences of God.

He said he never personally believe in the existence of God, but somehow he sees how his patients changed in terms of believes when they were diagnosed with cancer. People who do not believe in God, now turn to be a faithful believer. People who believed in God, turn to point their fingers to God and question the unfairness. All sorta people, but all we talk about is God.

Do I believe in God? Yes I do. Honestly I did see how people change when they started believe in God. God to me is not someone with supernatural power who can give us whatever we wish for. But he/ she gives us the energy, the strength and the courage to look for what we want. A wise person once told me this, God creates problems, but at the same time provide solutions. It is through this seeking and problem solving processes that we are able to grow, become stronger and better.

I do, believe in God. For today what I have achieved, besides the people around me who really help me a lot, I would like to send my gratitude to God, thanks for all the blessing. And with this, I will work harder towards my goal. Thank YOU.

Surprise!

Change is the constant of life.
Uncertainty is the foundation.
Stability does not mean absolute,
It only means higher predictability.

Time to get rid of credit cards,
Apply a debit card instead.
Spend money that we have,
Not the future money.

Because future is unpredictable.
Because life is full of surprises,
And shock!

Deal with it.
Bear with it.