Bleak~

The only word to describe my mood and feeling now, is BLEAK.

It has nothing to do with any movie series or whatsoever entertainment-related stuffs, it is a word as stated by the dictionary. Sorry I think for the rest of the post, it may contain a little vulgarity because I am really not in the mood to make things right and proper.

Things have been bad ever since the second quarter of the year. In sales we have 3 quarters per year and second quarters started on May. Sales is down by few hundred thousands and company is having damn lot of politics and conflicts and conspiracies. I don't care who is gonna read this or in the end I am just talking to air, I just wanna let this all out once and for all.

Pressures are from all directions of my life. They are trying their level best to attack me from any possibility that they can ever find and penetrate. I know the market is bad, I know the team is down, I know every negative things that I need, or actually don't need to know. In fact I think I have known too much and I really don't blardy hell wanna know anymore.

What the heck! Then there is this over-doing and under-doing issues which I really don't know how to strike a balance. It is always easier said than done. Who doesn't know the ideal theory? I can give you one thousand and one theories. Whatever shyt theories you wanna know I can tell you, but when put into real life, how many can maintain ideal? You just tell me how many and try to convince me that I am wrong. What the heck!

Sometimes I am really angry with myself. I am such blind that I didn't see things around me. Talk like a nut, do things like a nut and think like a nut as well. In the end maybe I am just a nut who doesn't know what is the right thing to do. I know in the end of the day maybe I am the main source of all pressures, but I seriously don't know how to cut this blardy source out of my way. I am really becoming nuts!

Then there are bad news from the field, from the office and from almost every person that I came accross. When I look at them flushing into me like flash flood, at first I still tried to struggle and run for my life but in the end I just manage to stand still and let the wave flushes me off. I am getting numb, and don't know how to save myself from all these shyt.

Even some stupid indian fella wanna buli me with his dumbass Camry. And I only dared to shout and curse in the car but have no guts to throw stones to his car. At the peak of my madness I actually tore a piece of paper from my notebook and wrote: "Fcuk off! Such uncivilized human beings!". I wrote furiously but I have no guts to slid the note under his bloody windshield. Because I scared he may damage my car, or whatsoever possible damages. In the end of the day the note I flew it onto my dashboard. My colleague said:"Well, now you wrote a fcuk off note to yourself." In the end of the day, I am just a chicken perhaps.

Then there is this stupid flood in Singapore. A real flood that did not happen for more than 15 years. And just 2 weeks before I go for my Singapore vacation and this stupid flood is there to disturb my plan. Really somehow or rather things are just all going in a crooked way. Somehow they just wanna make my hard life to be harder, forcing me to stay in Ipoh long term I guess, in the Tanjung Rambutan hospital. What the fcuk! What the fcuk! What the fcuk!!!

I thought life is full of miracles and indeed I believe in the existence of miracle. But I don't know if miracle ever happens to me? I need a break. Gimme a BREAK!