Past, Present, Future~

曾经

At different stages of life, I meet different people. Some people were very important to me at some point of times, some people might be just another common person pass by my life. But as the time ticks and I move along, things change again.

People who I thought will be my ultimate partner is now a stranger to me, but to another person, he/ she is now the most important person. People I thought who is not going to cross my life at any point, has now become the most important person in my life.

This is life. Constantly changing and changing is the only constant. So does this mean that people who were once very important to me, is not worth mentioning anymore? So does this mean that people who have come, and now gone is being erased from my life?

To me, for all the people who have come and now left my life, they are still very important to me. Our world is very unique, we value history, we are surrounded by evolutions. Our world has come this far, so do us human. If without our ancestors, then there will be no us. If without evolution, then there will be no us.

So, if without those people who came to my life before, then there will be no me. For those people who were once very important to me, and now moved on to another stage of life, I wish them all the best of luck because I truly believe that to them, I am part of their histories as well.

P/S: Don't deny our past, as they created who we are today.

Mirror and Reflection~

It is such a long holiday, I find myself unable to adjust. Maybe because I am not traveling this time, that's why I find too much of time, but too little things to fill up my time.

Have been rereading some of my motivational books since I have nothing much to do. One of the books talked about the law of expectancy. You are what you think you are. The author encouraged us to look at ourselves at the mirror, and see what we see from the mirror.

Mirror mirror on the wall, show me who am I after all.

For that I stand in front of the mirror and started examining myself. The overall figure, the face expression. What I saw is a tired and plain looking me. Not that I didn't have enough sleep, the tiredness is because I am slowly aging with time. I am slowly out growing my current stage, and moving towards another. I see a face which is lack of inner confidence. There is no radiance in the face I saw. It is like a standing ghost. Quite horrible I would say. Mirror and reflection, maybe that's who I am.

Have been arguing over many things with my loved one. Different perceptions different opinions, but same level of stubbornness and selfishness. Nobody wants to give way, nobody wants to change. Nobody wants to give without a guarantee of return. In the end it is a suffer from both sides. Sometimes I wonder why things can change so drastically. Sometimes I just wonder...

Opportunity~

A lot of time in life, when you miss the opportunity then thats it.


How many times have you missed an opportunity?

&

Why we missed these opportunities?

Dream~

When I was younger, I mean REALLY younger, I dreamed of becoming a tailor, with a small little shop, in the time of war.

I imagined myself being the diligent tailor, helping others to sew and make new clothing and at the same time earn a living. I imagined myself falling in love with a young soldier, who later died in the war.

I believe most of us young ladies, we do have that kind of dream before. The prince charming who come rescue us from our miserable live. Haha it has been so long since I dreamed.


P/S: "You raised me up". Suddenly the song was in my mind.
A nice song that I liked so much, but never really listen to it these days.

This series was one of my favorites when I was young, and that was when I dreamed. =)
Enjoy!

Self Worth~

Sometimes I will ask myself, how much do I worth?

But come to think about it, what do I want to know? How much do I worth in the eyes of others? Or how much do I worth in the eyes of myself? Always people live by the standard of others. For example, I have to do this and do that because this is the standard of society. But how about ourselves?

Sometimes we think that we can count on our loved ones for self value because they are the people who are closest to us. Be it our family members, boyfriend or husband. But what if one day these people moved on or leave for another world? When that happens who are we going to depend on?

In the end we can only depend on ourselves. If there is no self value in ourselves, then we will never feel secured. Never have enough confidence to pursue our dreams, because we look at others before we take actions.

It is fine if today you don't value me as much as before. I value myself.

It is a matter of choice~

Mum brought back a bad news. My grandma was suffering from kidney failure. Only 25% of her kidney is left fighting for her body, the rest has died over time. She is now 89 years old, doctor doesn't recommend any treatment.

Sitting next to my mum listening to her calling all the siblings and asked them to prepare, I know she is not happy, can see from her red teary eyes. Me too. I am not very close to my grandma, but somehow I still feel very sad for her.

How long can a person live? Average of 80 years. It is just a blink of an eye and time flies. The next blink of eye we will see ourselves moving towards the other stage of life, maybe heaven or hell, maybe we are left with bone and dust. Wonder if I will regret things that I have done, sacrifices that have been made when I was young?

My boyfriend told me that we can only live once. Bad times are inevitable. It is a matter of choice whether we want to be happy or not. It is a matter of choice, whether I want to be the victim or not.

P/S: 过于执着只会让自己困在死角，叫天不灵叫地不应。

Intoxicating Hot!

Today the weather was so hot. This reminded me of The Book of Eli.

Protect our Earth! @@

Short Sighted-ness~

I remember my chemistry teacher once shared her story with us. She said her son was a naughty little brat, wanted to try everything that comes to his touch. She once tried stopping him from playing with the switch, but he never listened.

In the end my teacher stopped trying to stop him. In fact, she let him play with it. Her theory is that, her little boy will not listen to her if he didn't know the consequences of playing with those switches. So one fine day, when he was happily playing with the switch again, he was mildly electro-shocked. His finger was numbed for a while, and then the pain came. He cried.

After that incidence, my teacher never see her son going near to the switch anymore. That is even more effective than continuous bugging and scolding!

For the past one week I was like her son, eager to try out other opportunities and possibilities. And I found out that I am happier with what I am doing right now. I realize I am a short sighted person. I wanted to be rich fast, and retire young. I almost wanted to give up when I face difficulties in my job. How sure am I that things will not repeat if I change a different working environment?

A successful person is able to strive even in tough situation. Persistence is one thing, patience is another thing. I'm asking myself, "how much bullets do I have right now?" Be patience, be determined. Set a goal and direction, never give up so easily.

P/S: A friend of mine said that I am a person who give RM1 and expecting RM10 in return. Do you think so?

Pressure Cooker~

Whatever that I am experiencing now, is nothing new to me. Always, I fall to the same cycle, over and over again, and I cannot help myself out of the trap.

For many people who know me well, they know I am a perfectionist. I set high bars for myself, I want to achieve things that other people think it is impossible, or they couldn't be bothered. I want to prove myself to the world.

For that I have a great price to pay, for all my entire working life so far I am living in a pressure cooker. Depression is not a foreign word to me, I experience it almost everyday. I become persistent, I become over-persistent, I become pushy and in the end, people are afraid of me.

I feel defeated. I know my attitude is going to ruin me one day. I know I am finished if I don't change, but I just couldn't help myself. I feel so stressful if I didn't get to do it when other people don't even have to chase for it. Things just fall nicely for them.

Sometimes I just can't control myself but to feel unfair. The world is never fair, I know this is the real world that I am living in, but I just can't help myself to look at others and then look at myself again.

My ex-boss just called, and the minute I heard his voice, my tears just dropped. He told me I am already doing well, sometimes whatever you do, you may not see the result immediately. He asked me to relax, and really need to let go of myself before things really become worst. I know what he said is true, in fact I knew it myself too, but just it is so difficult to not think about it, to not make my brain work for it.

I know some people may have been afraid of me. I know some people will not tell me anything. I know I am not good enough yet. Thanks boss, for the listening ears. I hope one day I will be a better woman.

What goes around comes around~

Last week was a disastrous week.

For all the wrong deeds that I've done, I think I have suffered from the consequences. For being lazy and un-focus, I think my boss have seen it clearly with her eyes.

I am not ragging, nor that I complain anything. Whatever I've done, now it is just the consequences of my wrong deeds. Damage is done, the only thing right now is just to control the damage.

It is okay. Not a problem, I will work on the problems and areas that I am weak at. Gambateh!