Since when?

Today I got an unexpected call from Roche, a multinational pharmaceutical company saying that I am shortlisted for one of their job positions. I applied for this job few months back, and since there was no response, I thought I was rejected. That is why, when I got the call today, it caught me by surprise.

Almost immediately, they want me to confirm the interview straightaway. But after some negotiations, the latest call would be tomorrow, a YES or NO answer. Suddenly I lost my grip, don't know what to do. This is because I am picking up already, screened almost 100 clinics and have already identified the potential ones. Even, I already met some potential ones and there is a high chance where I can make sales already. The future, at least for the few months to come, is actually positive.

And out of the blue, this Roche thing is forcing itself into my current life equation, mess up with my plans. Actually, it is not a big deal yet, because they only call me for an interview. It is just that, I wanted so much to tell him about this. I text-ed him, and his reply somehow made me feel vulnerable, tears filled my eyes. Not because he has said anything special, it was just my sudden realization. Since when, since when I am so dependent on him, emotionally?

All the while I thought I am a strong woman, independent and able to make the right decision at the right time. But now, I feel so messed up, a bit reluctant to accept the fact that I've fallen once again, and this time, it is very deeply indeed. This feeling makes me feel vulnerable and defenseless, as if I've lost the protective shell that protects my pusillanimous heart.

I remember telling my friend this:

"要爱，就要准备受伤害。"

I think I have to keep this for myself as well. Although eventually, I don't know it is a good thing or bad thing...